Lawyer-Bashing Through the Ages After their car broke down on a lonely country road, three men sought a night's shelter at a farmhouse. The farmer, poor but eager to help them, said that he only had two beds so one of the three would have to sleep in the barn. Immediately, one of the travelers, a polite Hindu mathematician, agreed and left for the barn. A short while later he returned and apologetically explained that there were cows in the barn and for religious reasons he could not sleep there. Another of the guests, a conservative rabbi, volunteered, picked up his bedding and left for the barn. It wasn't long before he returned complaining that the pig in the barn made it impossible for him to sleep there. The last of the stranded trio, a lawyer, sighed and grudgingly picked up his bag and shuffled off to the barn. Soon, there was another knock at the door. When the farmer answered it, there were the cows and the pig. * * * "I used to be a lawyer, but now I am a reformed character." --Woodrow Wilson * * * Q: Why have scientists begun to use lawyers instead of lab rats for research? A: Two reasons: first, they are more plentiful than rats, second, the researchers don't get as attached to them. One problem, though, is that no one has been able to extrapolate the test results to human beings. * * * Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down a street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred-dollar bill. Who gets it? A: The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. * * * "A man who dies without a will has lawyers for his heirs." --Anonymous +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ Lawyers as Liars "A good lawyer is a great liar." --Edward Ward * * * Q: What do lawyers do after they die? A: They lie still. * * * One juror overheard saying to another..."You'll notice that neither the prosecutor or defense attorney swore to tell the truth!" * * * Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other." "Okay, you first," replied the other. That was the end of the discussion. * * * A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Billy, you be first," she said. "What does you mother do all day?" Billy stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher, "What about your father, Tim?" Tim proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Tim's house and rang the bell. Tim's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Tim's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?" * * * How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? His lips are moving. +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ Lawyers as Ambulance Chasers "Everybody in my family follows the medical profession," said John. "They're all lawyers." * * * Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident? An ambulance backed up suddenly. * * * Two lawyers met at a cocktail party. "How's business?" asked the first. "Rotten," replied the other. "Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there was already another lawyer hanging on to the bumper." * * * An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards." +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ Doctors and Lawyers A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. "Aren't you going to have a drink yourself?" asked the doctor. "Sure, after the police leave," replied the attorney. * * * An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, "We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years." "I'll take the lawyer's heart," said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. "It was easy," the patient replied. "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used." * * * A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?" "I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill." The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer. * * * Three surgeons were discussing their favorite type of patients. The first said: "I like artists. When you cut them open, they are awash with color inside." The second doctor said: "I much prefer engineers. When you cut them open, everything is orderly and numbered." "Nonsense," said the third doctor. "The easiest are attorneys. They have only two parts, their ass and their mouth and those are interchangeable." * * * As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?" "There's a big fire across the street," the doctor replied. "We didn't want you to think the operation was a failure." +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ Outrageous Fees A lawsuit has been called a method of extracting half of a debt by demanding double the payment. * * * An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney's office as his lawyer handed him his will. "Your estate is very complex," said the lawyer, "but I've made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500." Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said "$500," the old man wrote out his check and left. When she got off the phone and realized the old man's mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. "Oh well," she said to herself, "$500 for one hour's work isn't bad." * * * A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, "In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they'll have something to spend over there." They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300. * * * Human one: I'm beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money. Human two: Why do you say that? Human one: Listen to this from his bill: 'For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00'. * * * Some American academics, discussing the Six Day War with an Israeli general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly. "Well," said the general, "we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers and accountants. When the time came we ordered them to charge--and boy, did they know how to charge." * * * A famous lawyer found himself at heaven's gates confronting St. Peter. He protested that it was all a mistake: he was only 49 and far too young to be dead. "That's odd," said St. Peter, "according to the hours you've billed you're 119 years old." * * * Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer? You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours. * * * A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, “Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.” And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime. +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ Lawyers Obfuscate the Law Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog. One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, "Where are we?" The man yells back, "About a half mile from town." Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, "He must have been a lawyer." The other says, "A lawyer! How do you know that?" The first says, "That's easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant." * * * If builders built buildings the way lawyers write laws, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization. * * * A young lawyer with her first big case held forth to the jury hour after hour, straying far from the point of the case. When she finally sat down, her more experienced adversary rose and, turning to the jury, said, "I'll follow the example set by my learned opponent and submit this case to you without argument." * * * "It is hard to say whether the doctors of law or of divinity have made the greater advances in the lucrative business of mystery." --Samuel Goldwyn * * * "Lawyers: persons who write a 10,000 word document and call it a brief." --Franz Kafka * * * A young attorney who had taken over his father's practice rushed home elated one night. "Dad, listen," he shouted, "I've finally settled that old McKinney suit." "Settled it!" cried his astonished father. "Why, I gave that to you as an annuity for life." * * * "The minute you read something you don't understand, you can be almost sure it was drawn up by a lawyer." --Will Rogers * * * "Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first." --A lawyer speaking to a judge * * * Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you can't understand. +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ Justice for None A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney wired the firm, "Justice prevailed." The senior partner replied in haste, "Appeal immediately." * * * Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic. * * * When asked "What is a contingent fee?" a lawyer answered, "A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don't win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing." * * * "Lawyers have been known to wrest from reluctant juries triumphant verdicts of acquittal for their clients, even when those clients, as often happens, were clearly and unmistakably innocent." --Oscar Wilde * * * "When there are too many policemen, there can be no liberty; When there are too many soldiers, there can be no peace; When there are too many lawyers, there can be no justice." --Lin Yutang * * * "I was never ruined but twice-once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I gained one." --Voltaire * * * "Litigation is a machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage." --Ambrose Bierce * * * "In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls." --Lenny Bruce +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ Lawyer Defined A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose was the oldest profession. The doctor asserted that, of course, a physician removed Adam's rib to create Eve. The engineer disagreed and said, "Of course, an engineer had to have constructed the Garden of Eden." "I have you both beaten," the lawyer gloated. "Before Adam and Eve, before the Garden of Eden, before all creation, there was a state of chaos, and who but lawyers could have created that?" * * * Q: How do you define double jeopardy? A: When a lawyer calls in her partner. * * * Q:What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? A: One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger. The other is a fish. * * * Q: What is the definition of a lawyer? A: A mouth with a life-support system. * * * Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement? A: A whine cellar. * * * Q: Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are "avocat" in French) A: Both have hearts like stones. * * * Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons? A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever. +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ Lawyers in Court A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, "Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense." * * * A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. "Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer. The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested. "Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge." * * * A lawyer who had a trial scheduled walked into the courtroom and saw her opponent. "Are those people over there your witnesses?" her opponent asked. When the lawyer said yes, the other replied, "Then you win. I've used those witnesses twice myself." * * * A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed. The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days." * * * A lawyer cross-examined the adversary's main witness. "You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards' house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?" "Objection, your honor," shouted the other lawyer. There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it. "So," the first lawyer continued, "Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?" "Nothing," said the witness. "No one was home." * * * The Judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?" "I do." "Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?" "Sure," said the witness. "My side will win." +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ Lawyers as Beasts, Birds and Insects Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a tick? A: A tick drops off you when you die. * * * Q: What is the difference between a poisonous snake and a lawyer? A: You can make a pet out of the snake. * * * Q: What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common? A: Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth. * * * A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, "you're soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit." The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said "you're slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a lawyer." * * * A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses." Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up: "Mister, watch what you say. You're in horse country." * * * Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer? A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do. * * * The judicial process is like a cow. The public is impaled on its horns, the government has it by the tail, and all the while the lawyers are milking it. * * * Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it? A: A porcupine has pricks on the outside. * * * Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop? A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers. +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ The Miseducation of Lawyers "There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law. No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth." --Jean Giradoux * * * After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father's activities and be introduced to his father's clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately helped to set it up. The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer-a rough-hewn man with calloused hands who was dressed in workman's clothing. He said, "Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Gonzales has died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows." The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was obviously a landowner. He said, "My name is Gonzales and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows." The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" After the client left, the lawyer's son could not help but express his concern. "Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concerning these cows." "DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!" the lawyer said. "The cows will be ours!" * * * A blizzard struck one February evening, and the next morning the streets were impassable. One student who lived two miles from the campus and who normally commuted by elevated railway heard on the radio that the el was not running. Dutifully he trudged through the snow-filled sidewalks, arriving twenty minutes late for his Contracts class. There at the podium the professor was holding forth to an audience of one. Instead of taking his regular assigned seat, the student slipped into the seat next to the other fellow. The new arrival listened to the lecture and after a while leaned toward the other student. "What's he talking about?" he whispered. "How should I know?" came the reply. "I got here five minutes before you did." --David Levin * * * A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer. Each was asked this question during their interview: "How much is two plus two?" The mathematician answered immediately, "Four." The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, "Four, plus or minus one." Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, "How much do you want it to be?" * * * Two smart, attractive, well-educated young law graduates, Sally and Edith, were competing for a prestigious job. As part of the job interview each was asked why she wanted the job. Edith answered that she wanted to work for a firm with a reputation of being concerned with truth and justice. When it was her turn, Sally simply opened her purse, took out a rather thin wallet and laid it on the senior partner's desk. "I want to fatten it up as fast as possible," she said. Sally got the job. * * * Between grand theft and a legal fee, There only stands a law degree. * * * The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'" * * * The reason law schools have been described as "a place for the accumulation of learning" is that first-year students bring some in, third-year students take none out--and so knowledge accumulates. +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ Lawyers as Dummies A diminutive lawyer, appearing as a witness in one of the courts, was asked by the opposing attorney, who was a giant 6'8", what he did for a living. The witness replied that he was a lawyer. "You? A lawyer?" said the huge attorney. "Why, I could put you in my pocket." "Very likely you could," replied the other. "But if you did, you'd have more law in your pocket than you ever had in your head." * * * A lawyer discussing trial strategy with his partner said, "When I address the jury, I'll plead for clemency." "Nothing doing!" shouted his partner. "Let Clemency get his own lawyer." * * * Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months. * * * A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totalled. "My BMW! my BMW!" he sobbed. A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "sir, sir, you're bleeding-my god, your left arm is gone!" The lawyer, horrified, screamed "my Rolex! my Rolex!" * * * A lawyer's job is secure-who would build a robot to do nothing? +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ Lawyers as Crooks, Cheats, and Felons A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put 'here lies an honest lawyer.'" "But that won't let people know who it is," protested the lawyer. "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim 'That's Strange!'" * * * A group of professional men had finished a day's hunt and were relaxing around the fire. Their hunting dogs occupied a clearing nearby. One of the men observed that it was remarkable how the dogs had acquired the traits of their owners. The musician's dog was softly howling strains of the Moonlight sonata. The engineer's dog was using his paw to perform calculations in the dust. The lawyer's dog was screwing all the rest. * * * A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. "It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us." The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers-we had $100 when we broke in!" * * * Out of towner: Any criminal lawyers in this town? Local: Yes. But none of them are in jail. * * * Q: Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working? A: Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer. * * * A former lawyer applied to a government contractor for a job. The contractor asked him what he could do. "I'll be a consultant," the lawyer said. "We have enough consultants," the contractor said. "I know all about what's going on in government," the lawyer said. "I'll be an advisor." "We have enough advisors," the contractor said. By now the lawyer was becoming a little desperate. "Look," he said, "I'm not overly proud. I'll help you with paperwork, sort of like a clerk." "Sorry," said the contractor. "We have more than enough clerks. With that the lawyer got upset. Jumping to his feet, he turned toward the door and shouted, "Well, to work for you, I'd have to be a low-down, double-dealing SOB anyhow." "You didn't say you were a lawyer!" exclaimed the contractor. "Do sit down." +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ Lawyers in Love A lawyer trying to get tickets to the rage of the day, Phantom of the Opera, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance. When the exciting night arrived, the woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused. The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it. The woman asked him if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat. He replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral." * * * A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare disease and had only six months to live. "Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient. "Marry a lawyer," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life." * * * A young man struck up a communication with a young lass in a singles bar. All went well until he admitted he was a dentist, at which point she lost interest. The next evening and again the next, pretty much the same thing happened. Finally on the fourth night the bartender, who had overheard much of what had transpired, took the dentist aside and explained that this was primarily a lawyers' hangout and most of the women patrons seemed to prefer them. The dentist took the hint and told the next young woman he found attractive that he was a partner at Babble, Grabble and Scrabble. She was enthusiastic and before long he happily found himself testing the softness of her feather bed. As he gave way to the delights of the moment he thought "Hey, this is great. I've only been a lawyer for an hour and a half and I'm already screwing someone." * * * For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." * * * She: You just don't care anymore! He: You're just upset. Why don't I buy you something to make you feel better? She: Like what? He: How about a trip to Europe? She: No. He: What about a new Jaguar? She: No. He: Well, what DO you want? She: A divorce. He: (Pause) I wasn't planning on spending that much. * * * How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer? She has an extreme craving for baloney. * * * Q: What's a good wedding present for a lawyer who marries a snake? A: Towels marked Hiss and Hiss. +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ Lawyers on Vacation A lawyer went on vacation to a western dude ranch. Awed by the scenery, she went for a twilight stroll among the cattle. Suddenly, she stepped in something soft. "Honey!" she shouted to her husband. "I'm melting!" * * * A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two. One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors. One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears--a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuits from his friend's family. He just had to save his friend. Luckily, the bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male. The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. "What did you do that for?!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other bear!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?" * * * After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old hometown. He crossed the deck, seized the fellow's hand and said: "Hello, Pete. I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?" "I'm practicing law," whispered Pete. "But don't tell mother. She thinks I'm still a pimp." * * * A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?" The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds." The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?" * * * Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort? A: Because they're used to doing all of their lying indoors. +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ The Odd Fellowship of Lawyers A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40 years by his bedside. "Jack, I've got to confess. I've been sleeping with your wife for 30 years and I'm the father of your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, I've been stealing from the firm for a decade." "Relax," says Jack, "and don't think another thing about it. I'm the one who put arsenic in your martini." * * * Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that stuck to it was a second $100 bill. Immediately the ethical question arose in the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?" * * * Two lawyers when a knotty case was o'er, Shook hands, and were as friendly as before. Said the client, "Tell me how You can be friends, who fought just now." "Thou fool!" said one. "We lawyers, though so keen, Like shears, ne'er cut ourselves, but what's between." --Burl Ives * * * Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters? He started swimming toward the far-off shore, wondering how he could make it safely. As he was swimming, the sharks seemed to make way for him, helping him reach shore safely. We suspect it was professional courtesy. * * * The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up from the table and said, "I have to go back to the office-I forgot to lock the safe!" "What are you worried about?" asked the other. "We're both here." +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ Lawyers Compete in Sports Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy--you'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you." * * * What's the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee? A boxing referee doesn't get paid extra for a longer fight. * * * Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them. * * * A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain. "I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000." "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'." "I'll take it!," the attorney said. * * * A lawyer drags in from a day on the golf course looking wasted. His wife asks, "What's the matter?" "My partner, Henry, dropped dead on the fifth green," the lawyer replied. "That's terrible," said his wife. "You'd better believe it," the lawyer said. "After that it was nothing but hit the ball and drag Henry. Hit the ball and drag Henry...." * * * Q: What's the difference between baseball and law? A: In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out. +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ Nobody Loves a Lawyer... A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. "What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'" * * * A man came across a striking brass rat in an antique store and decided it would look great on his desk. He paid $100 for it but was surprised when the proprietor insisted it was non-returnable. He said, "It's been returned twice already, and I don't want to see it again." Leaving the store, the man saw a couple of rats scurrying around the corner; several more were near his car. As he drove, rats appeared from the gutters and side streets until he was nearly overwhelmed. In panic, he threw the brass rat over a bridge railing into a river, and witnessed the army of live rats follow into the depths. The man hurried back to the store, but the owner cut him short, saying, "Look, I told you there would be no returns." The man quickly replied, " Oh no, that's fine. I was just wondering if you had a brass lawyer." * * * A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a well-traveled road. The bill of fare is as follows: * Sautéed Tourist $10 * Braised Reporter $12 * Fried Diplomat $15 * Barbecued Lawyer $110 A customer, noticing the great price differential, asked why lawyers cost so much. The headhunter replied, "if you had ever tried to clean one of those devils, you would understand." * * * Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A: A Doberman pinscher. * * * Q:What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion? A:You cry when you cut up an onion. * * * If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? * * * Q: What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement? A: Not enough cement. * * * A true story from a reader, who writes that it occurred during her stint of jury duty: I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do." +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ Lawyers and the Devil A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. "That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." "Shut up," barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?" * * * A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party: "What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked. "Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?" The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but I said instead 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go." * * * A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash. "Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement." * * * Having passed on, the lawyer found himself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each clock turned at a different speed and was labeled with the name of a different occupation. After examining all the clocks, the lawyer turned to the devil and said, "I have two questions. First, why does each clock move at a different speed?" "They turn at the rate at which that occupation sins on earth," replied the devil. "What's your second question?" "Well," said the lawyer. "I can't seem to find my occupation. Where is the lawyers' clock?" Puzzled, the devil scanned the room. "Oh, yes!" he finally exclaimed. "We keep that clock in the workshop and use it for a fan." * * * The devil visited a young lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you," the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls and their children's souls must rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment and said, "What's the catch?" * * * Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell? A: Another lawyer. +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ Lightbulbs and Vultures How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb? 54. Eight to argue, 1 to get a continuance, 1 to object, 1 to demur, 2 to research precedents, 1 to dictate a letter, 1 to stipulate, 5 to turn in their time cards, 1 to depose, 1 to write interrogatories, 2 to settle, 1 to order a secretary to change the bulb, and 28 to bill for professional services. * * * Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford? * * * What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer? The vulture eventually lets go. * * * What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer? The vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer Miles. * * * Q: How was copper wire invented? A: Two lawyers were arguing over a penny. +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ The Wacky World of Law and Lawyers... Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it. * * * Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches. +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ Prisoner - "Judge, I don't know what to do." Judge - "Why, how's that?" Prisoner - "I swore to tell the truth but every time I try some lawyer objects." +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ Lawyer - "Now that we have won, will you tell me confidentially if you stole the money?" Client - "Well, after hearing you talk in court yesterday, I am beginning to think I didn't." +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ A burlesque comedian was once a witness in a suit for slander, and the opposing counsel in the courtroom said: "You are a burlesque comedian, I believe?" "Yes." "Is that not a low calling?" "I don't know; but it's so much better than my father's that I am rather proud of it." "What was your father's calling, may I ask?" "He was a lawyer," said the burlesque comedian. +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ "I couldn't serve as a juror, Judge. One look at that fellow convinces me he's guilty." "Sh-h! That's the district attorney!" +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ The judge decided that certain evidence was inadmissible. That attorney took strong exceptions to the ruling, and insisted that it was admissible. "I know, your Honor," said he, warmly, "that it is proper evidence. Here I have been practicing at the bar for forty years, and now I want to know if I am a fool?" "That," quietly replied the court, "is a question of fact, and not of law, so I won't pass upon it, but will let the jury decide." +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ Lawyers They had reached a juncture in the trial when the court advised the attorney to withdraw with his client and give him the benefit of the best advice he could think of. After fifteen minutes he returned to the court-room without his client. "Where's the prisoner at the bar?" asked the judge. "He's skipped," replied the lawyer. "That's was the best advice I could give him." +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ Lawyers A celebrated lawyer once said that the three most troublesome clients he ever had were a young lady who wanted to be married, a married woman who wanted a divorce, and an old maid who didn't know what she wanted. +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ Lawyers Attorney Blank was examining a witness in court the other day. "Have you ever been arrested before?" he asked the man. "No, sir!" the witness answered emphatically. "Have you ever been in this court before?" "No, sir!" "Are you sure of that?" "Yes, sir!" "Your face looks very familiar - very familiar. Where have I seen you before?" "Well, sir," the witness calmly answered, "I am a bartender in the saloon across the street from here." +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ He Lacked Storage Space Congressman John K. Hendrick of Kentucky, now deceased, was notoriously soft hearted. He was sitting in a courtroom one day when a young and struggling member of the local bar, who was not especially renowned for mental brilliancy, undertook to read a petition in a divorce suit and speedily got himself badly tangled up in a confused maze of legal phrases. The judge sought to set the young lawyer right, but the only result was to tangle him worse than ever. The judge was showing signs of losing his temper when Col. Hendrick arose. "I hope, your Honor," he said, "that you will bear patiently with our young friend here. He is doing his best." "I know that, Col. Hendrick," said the judge, somewhat testily, "and I intend to bear patiently with him. I am merely trying to give Mr. So-and-So an idea." "Your Honor," said Col. Hendrick, "don't do it. He's got no place to put it." +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ Lawyers A man walking along a city street fell through an open sewer hole and broke his leg. He engaged a famous attorney, brought suit against the city for two thousand dollars and won the case. The city appealed the case to the Supreme Court, but again the lawyer won the decision. After the claim was settled the lawyer sent for this client and handed him a dollar bill. "What's this?" asked the man, looking at the dollar. "That's your damages, after deducting my fee, the cost of appeal and other expenses," replied the attorney. The man looked at the dollar again, turned it over and carefully scanned the other side. He then looked up at the lawyer and said: "What's the matter with this dollar? Is it counterfeit?" Judge-"How could you swindle people who trusted in you?" Prisoner-"But, Judge, people who don't trust you can not be swindled." The judge pointed with his cane at the prisoner before him. "There's a great rogue at the end of this stick." The prisoner smirked, "At which end, Your Honor?" +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ Lawyers "Are you positive," demanded counsel, "that the prisoner is the man who stole your car?" "Well," answered the witness, "I was until you cross-examined me. Now I'm not sure whether I ever had a car at all." For the fourth time, the corporation lawyer conducting the cross- examination led the witness to the accident. "You say that after the care passed, the man was seen lying on the ground with his scalp bleeding? Did the car hit him?" "Naw," replied the exasperated witness, "The conductor leaned out and bit him as he went by." A young lawyer was once making his first effort, andhad thrown himself on the wings of imagination into the seventh heaven, and was preparing for a higher ascent when the judge struck his rule on the desk once or twice, and exclaimed to the astonished orator: "Hold on, my dear sir, don't go any higher, you are already out of the jurisdiction of this court." Bursting open the door marked "Private," the butcher confronted the local lawyer. "If a dog steals a piece of meat from my shop, is the owner liable?" he asked the man behind the desk. "Certainly," replied the lawyer. "Very well, your dog took a piece of steak worth half a dollar about five minutes ago." "Indeed," he returned smoothly. "Then if you give me the other half,that will cover my fee." +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ "And what is a contingent fee?" asked a clerk of a lawyer. "A contigent fee to a lawyer means if I don't win your suit I get nothing. If I do win it you get nothing. See?" "What did you have at the first saloon you stopped?" asked a lawyer of a witness in an assault and battery case. "What did we have? Four glasses of beer, sir." "What next?" "Two glasses of whiskey." "Next?" "One glass of brandy." "Next?" "A fight." Two attorneys, one decidedly glum of countenance, met on the street. "Well, how's business?" the first asked of the dismal one. "Rotten!" the pessimist replied. "I just chased an ambulance twelve miles, and found a lawyer in it." "Your office is as hot as an oven," said a client to a lawyer. "So it ought to be. I make my bread here." +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ Engineers and Lawyers An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ An attorney was on his deathbed in the hospital. When a friend came to visit, he found the lawyer frantically leafing through the Bible. "What are you doing?" the visitor asked. The sick lawyer replied, "Looking for loopholes." +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ Three paramedics were boasting about improvements in their respective ambulance team's response times. "Since we installed our new satellite navigation system," bragged one, "we've cut our emergency response time by ten percent." "Not bad," the second paramedic commented. "But by using a computer model of traffic patterns, we've cut our average time by 20 percent." "That's nothing!" said the third paramedic. "Since our ambulance driver passed the bar exam, we've cut our emergency response time in half!" +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ Question: Why are lawyers buried 12 feet deep when they die instead of the normal six feet? Answer: Because deep down, they really are good people. +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ Ambulance Chasing Lawyers An ambulance chasing lawyer picked up a lady who had been knocked down by a Washington streetcar. "Here's my card,lady," he said, "I'll get you damages." "Don't be an idiot," snapped the lady as she dusted herself off. "I don't need no more damanges. What I need now is repairs." +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ The Lonely Lawyer A doctor, an accountant and an attorney were stranded on a deserted island. One day, a bottle was swept to shore and all three were there to pick it up and open it. A Genie popped out (naturally) and declared, "I can grant three wishes for my release from the bottle, since there are three of you, I will grant one wish to each of you. The doctor spoke up first. "I miss my home and my family, I wish I was back home in New York." He disappeared immediately. The accountant becomes so excited, he jumps up and down and yells, "I miss my home, and all my friends, too - I wish I was back home in Los Angeles." He also disappeared. The attorney is is just standing in a daze looking a bit glum. The Genie urges him, "Look, I've been in that bottle 200 years, I'm ready to get going. What is it that you want?" The attorney, still in a daze slowly replies, "Aww, gee. I really miss those guys already. I sure wish they were back here with me." +-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+ -+ ~~~ Do unto others... ~~~ A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!" "Well, It's ultimately in the judge's hand's," said the lawyer. "Would it help if you sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no!" replied the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But I did send them. That's how we won the case." "What?" gasped his client. "I don't understand!" He shrugged, "I also enclosed the plaintiff's business card." <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Real Things Heard in US Courtrooms Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys? Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth. Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution. Juror: That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too. Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it. Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer. Judge: And why is that? Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn't interested in my case. Judge: (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the defendant's motion? Public Defender: I'm sorry, Your Honor. I wasn't listening. Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkeness. Have you anything to say in your defense? Defendant: Habitual thirstiness? From a defendant representing himself... Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse? Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse. Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance. Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant? Defendant: No, sir, I'm the guy who stole the chickens. Judge: I know you, don't I? Defendant: Uh, yes. Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you? Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you? Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me. Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie. <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> A Meaningful Interview A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yeah. I want to get one of those day-vorces." The attorney asked, "Well, do you have any grounds?" The farmer replied, "Yeah. I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. Do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere." The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yeah, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No, sir, I mean do you have a suit?" The farmer said, "Yes, sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays." The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" The farmer said, "No, sir, we both get up about 4:30." Finally, the attorney asked, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?" And the farmer replied, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her!" <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> You're Attending The Wrong Law School If... Materials needed for Torts 101 include a baking sheet and apron. Morely Safer and his camera crew are on campus more often than you are. If you last the entire eight weeks, Sally Struthers personally signs your diploma. Admission test, found on back of a matchbook, requires you to draw Marcia Clark's briefs. Faculty recruited from the exercise yard. The Dean once failed to get James Earl Jones acquitted on a charge that he "talks like a sissy." Professors always accept 5th Amendment as an excuse for not turning in homework. Every question answered with, "You can't handle the truth!" Two words: Dean Wapner Three hours a day of chasing a little metal ambulance around a dog track. In mock trials, the judge always sentences you to a spanking. Today's lecture: "Fight for Your Right to Party," by visiting professor Adam "The King Ad Rock" Horovitz. Your roommate is on a "John Gotti Scholarship." Can't see the blackboard over Axl Rose's hair. The white wigs and black robes may be a tradition, but there's no explaining the lipstick, garter belts, and high heels. <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<> Waking Up A lawyer awoke in a hospital bed after a complicated operation, and found that the curtains were drawn around him. "Why are the curtains closed?" he asked. "Is it night?" A nurse replied, "No, it is just that there is a fire across the street, and we didn't want you waking up and thinking that the operation was unsuccessful." <>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<><>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>*<>