From misterw@sirius.com Thu, 24 Aug 2000 20:06:50 +0000 Date: Thu, 24 Aug 2000 20:06:50 +0000 From: Wonderful Labs misterw@sirius.com Subject: [WonderfulLabs] Tester laika -- Information Warrior "And if you ask a lot of questions and all that it reveals is the best choice we're given is the best of two evils. Then can you tell which side you're on?" -Naked Raygun * New address! No new information... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html * Expand your e-mail mind with the absurdly named YoYoMail! http://www.yoyomail.com/cgi-bin/a?referral=Wonderful ________________________________________________________ 1stUp.com - Free the Web Get your free Internet access at http://www.1stUp.com From misterw@sirius.com Thu, 24 Aug 2000 22:33:17 +0000 Date: Thu, 24 Aug 2000 22:33:17 +0000 From: Wonderful Labs misterw@sirius.com Subject: [WonderfulLabs] Test Again, I say, Test -- Information Warrior "And if you ask a lot of questions and all that it reveals is the best choice we're given is the best of two evils. Then can you tell which side you're on?" -Naked Raygun * New address! And some useless changes... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html * Expand your e-mail mind with the absurdly named YoYoMail! http://www.yoyomail.com/cgi-bin/a?referral=Wonderful ________________________________________________________ 1stUp.com - Free the Web Get your free Internet access at http://www.1stUp.com From misterw@sirius.com Thu, 24 Aug 2000 22:57:21 +0000 Date: Thu, 24 Aug 2000 22:57:21 +0000 From: Wonderful Labs misterw@sirius.com Subject: [WonderfulLabs] test against sufferance -- Information Warrior "And if you ask a lot of questions and all that it reveals is the best choice we're given is the best of two evils. Then can you tell which side you're on?" -Naked Raygun * New address! And some useless changes... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html * Expand your e-mail mind with the absurdly named YoYoMail! http://www.yoyomail.com/cgi-bin/a?referral=Wonderful ________________________________________________________ 1stUp.com - Free the Web Get your free Internet access at http://www.1stUp.com From misterw@sirius.com Fri, 25 Aug 2000 21:34:10 +0000 Date: Fri, 25 Aug 2000 21:34:10 +0000 From: Wonderful Labs misterw@sirius.com Subject: [Wonderful Labs] Wonderbirds Are Go! Okay, y'all - Roll up for the mystery tour... This is a test run of the new Mister Wonderful Answers All Mailing List and Revue. We're trying out the new features, the bells, whistles and other geegaws that have come down the pipe. Aren't you lucky? First off, if there are any people signed on to this list that don't want to be signed on to this list and, in fact, haven't wanted to read Mister Wonderful's 100% Fact Free Advice (tm) for some time now, you were just too embarrassed to write in and ask to be removed for fear of the mocking and castigation that would ensue, please point your webbiness at http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs . You'll be able to do a bit of self-removal, you poor, twisted soul that knows not the joy of life. You can also write to me or the List Bozos and we will do it for you. The official address of the list is WonderfulLabs@pairlist.net, but if you send things there, you'll just get a message back saying that your post is being held for review. That is because you are not Mister Wonderful. It's my list, I get to hold the floor. We're currently debating setting up another list to let you chucklemonkeys send messages to each other. Mister Dark is winning the debate, six falls to four. Replying to a message from the list should send the mail directly to me here at the Labs. That sort of thing will be processed in the old manner. If you send a reply or comment to the list and it winds up in the admin box it may just get through, depending on how lazy the Administrative Dragon is feeling that day. This would also cut down on those damned Comments Columns. We'll see. Other doohickeys and whatnot: The digest version of the list will be in packets of about 30k. They will arrive irregularly, i.e., whenever there happens to be about 30k of Wonderful stocked up. The Archives will be free and public for browsing, but they're not very pretty or convenient. Access them from the list info page. We're still working on our plans to make the whole shebang a searchable database. Actually, if you were planning on tearing your eyes out or otherwise engaging in self-mutilation this evening, why not put that off and check out the silliness at http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html ? It's ever so slightly different and includes a whole twenty queries never before archived in public! And if meditation is your thing, gaze at the immovable object that is http://www.wonderfullabs.com ! The potential is infinite, the action is nil. If you just like looking at pictures, but don't really want to change your account info, you could do worse than visiting the wonderfullabs list info page, at the address listed above for losers who are quitting. It might be fun to change your account anyway, because you get to see more pictures that way. Anything to amuse my people. Over the past three years, we have answered about 919 queries (that number doesn't reflect multiple query letters, like the ones from Just Wondering, and does include columns like the San Diego Comic Convention reports). If this list service works out, we should easily break 1000 by the end of the year. Not bad for a derivative waste of time that makes no sense and no one gets. Sorry about all the clutter at the bottom of each message. We're gonna work on that. Rather, we're going to have Heinrich the broad-shouldered janitor work on that. He's gullible. There's more to say, about our plans, about the new direction for Wonderful Labs to go along with our new location, emergency procedures, the stunning revelations to come out of Dark and Malice's little shop "The Apotheosis", the latest additions to the staff, of our love and admiration for all the long-suffering readers, but that will all become apparent in the doing. Let the Human Adventure begin! Mister Wonderful P.S. A big shout-out to Team Wonderful Special Operative KK, who donated the use of this mailing list service. Those who wish to pay respects may do so at http://www.clockworkchihuahua.com -- Information Warrior "And if you ask a lot of questions and all that it reveals is the best choice we're given is the best of two evils. Then can you tell which side you're on?" -Naked Raygun * New address! And some useless changes... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html * Expand your e-mail mind with the absurdly named YoYoMail! http://www.yoyomail.com/cgi-bin/a?referral=Wonderful ________________________________________________________ 1stUp.com - Free the Web Get your free Internet access at http://www.1stUp.com From misterw@sirius.com Fri, 25 Aug 2000 22:32:21 +0000 Date: Fri, 25 Aug 2000 22:32:21 +0000 From: Wonderful Labs misterw@sirius.com Subject: [Wonderful Labs] Wonder und Science This is a further "let's get up to speed" test of the capabilities of the new list. As many of you know, Wonderful Labs has recently taken on some new faculty. Chief among these bright new stars in the Wisdom Firmament must be the Mad Scientist and the Mad Bomber. The Mad Scientist was poring over some old columns the other day and came across one that fit right into his milieu ("SPEED OF WONDER", from March 1999 - not archived yet, but just you wait, baby). As an amusement to the reader, we present his Fizzix Lesson (Mister W's original column is in "quotes", all else is by the Mad S): A quick nitpick on two points (sorry, being the Mad Scientist, I just HAVE to comment) -- "* The reason Light can go the Speed of Light is that it doesn't have any mass." True, although it *does* have momentum (which is why it can still move). "When you try to accelerate something with mass, like oh, say, a rumbling death-love-mobile with fuzzy dice in the window, to those speeds, it requires energy." No problems here. "And the funny thing is, the faster it goes, the heavier it gets, so the energy required goes up exponentially." True, the faster it goes, the heavier it gets. *However*, it doesn't go up exponentially (powers of e are a different beast). It goes up as a function of m = m* x 1 or m = m* (1 - v^2/c^2)^(-1) --------- ------- / v^2 / 1 - --- \/ c^2 where m is the weight at a given velocity and m* is the original non-relativistic weight. As you can see, it isn't an exponential equation at all. The closer v gets to c, by that equation, the closer to infinity you get. But not, that I can discern, exponential. Sorry (just couldn't keep my lil' trap shut). ;) "At the Speed of Light, it turns out that the mass is just about near-infinite and the energy required to keep accelerating is near-infinite, meaning that when you turn your lights on you suck out the last of the Universe's energy into yourself, ending all matter and motion, then rip through Reality like a hot rock through a wet paper bag, landing in a different quantum state and exploding, causing the beginning of a new universe (but possibly also this one)." You don't have to keep accelerating when *at* the speed of light -- Newtonian mechanics (although a bit wonky under special relativity) says that you will maintain a constant velocity sans impediments, and unless you hit something going at Lightspeed (ouch), you don't have to accelerate further. Unless you meant *near*-lightspeed, in which case you would have to accelerate further to achieve LS-velocity (again, questionably possible by contemporary maths). As for that last bit, it's anyone's guess -- but if *I* was going to attempt it, I agree, the Edsel's a *MUCH* better choice. "I will not get into what will happen to you time-wise, but believe me, you won't know what hit you. I say go for it." Time is an illusion (lunchtime doubly so) -- I say go for it too. -The Mad Scientist ********************* I'M WONDERFUL WITH A LASER GUN ********************* -- Information Warrior "And if you ask a lot of questions and all that it reveals is the best choice we're given is the best of two evils. Then can you tell which side you're on?" -Naked Raygun * New address! And some useless changes... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html * Expand your e-mail mind with the absurdly named YoYoMail! http://www.yoyomail.com/cgi-bin/a?referral=Wonderful ________________________________________________________ 1stUp.com - Free the Web Get your free Internet access at http://www.1stUp.com From misterw@sirius.com Sat, 26 Aug 2000 02:24:45 +0000 Date: Sat, 26 Aug 2000 02:24:45 +0000 From: Wonderful Labs misterw@sirius.com Subject: [Wonderful Labs] The Best of Wonder REPRINTING SOME OF OUR FINEST UNARCHIVED MOMENTS..... __________________ 3/11/99 BIG BEEF WONDER __________________ Dear Mister Wonderful, Why does deli-sliced roast beef shimmer with iridescent rainbow colors? (And it always does.) Love, Teddy _________________ Dear Mr. Kennedy, Because it is made from gay magic cows. ******************* THANK YOU, I'LL BE HERE ALL WONDERFUL ******************* -- Hot Handed God Of Cops ***************http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/ *************** "Well, Dave, that's a hell of a question to ask a man who worships a snake." -Alan Moore * New address! And some useless changes... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html * Expand your e-mail mind with the absurdly named YoYoMail! http://www.yoyomail.com/cgi-bin/a?referral=Wonderful ________________________________________________________ 1stUp.com - Free the Web Get your free Internet access at http://www.1stUp.com From misterw@sirius.com Sat, 26 Aug 2000 02:30:14 +0000 Date: Sat, 26 Aug 2000 02:30:14 +0000 From: Wonderful Labs misterw@sirius.com Subject: [Wonderful Labs] The Best of Wonder [2] REPRINTING SOME OF OUR FINEST UNARCHIVED MOMENTS... ________________________ 4/5/98 FOUR COLOR WONDERFUL ROYALE ________________________ Dear Mighty Triumvirate-- Your response to the Winnie-the-Pooh Battle Royal inspired me. Open up to the comics page of your local newspaper (it'll only hurt for a minute; most of them have been defanged). Now that the Far Side, Calvin and Hobbes, and Bloom County/Outland are gone, should all the entire comics page get into a free-for-all, which character(s) from the remaining sorry strips would still be alive at the end? And who would have the honor of braining those little round-headed Family Circus twerps? --The Man With The Sticky Crotch _______________ Dear Peg O' My Heart, Mister Wonderful's local paper has a mind-maddening *two(2)* pages of "comic" strips; it's like crafts day in the Black Hole of Calcutta. Still, with the help of our trusty sherpa-trained masseuse Ricky, we made it back with this highly academic and scholarly report. To weed out the playing field, we dismissed most of the one panel cartoons (a.k.a. Gary Larson's Band Wagoneers) on the grounds they don't have recurring characters you'd recognize. We also sent home a bunch of newer strips, on the grounds that we couldn't think of anything funny. And yet a boatload of newsprint remained. So the carnage begins... Animal acts start the show. Right off the bat, Garfield bites the heads off the two weird things from "Mutts". Then Heathcliff walks into the ring and the two fat, smelly beasts explode, being matter/anti-matter versions of each other. Marmaduke stands tall for a minute, but is then brought down by a combination of Citizen Dog, Grimm and that racoon from "Over the Hedge". They tear him to pieces, but are ruined themselves when boozing birds from "Shoe" fly overhead and drown them in excrement. The redneck from "Crankshaft" takes the birds out with buckshot from his thirty-aught six. The Legionnaires from "Crock" return fire but when the smoke clears, it's Drabble with his dad's nine-millimeter still standing. So Rex Morgan, M.D. creeps up behind him and jabs him with a hypodermic full of sulfuric acid. Dr. Katz leaps screaming onto the rival doctor's back, beating him senseless with a Woody Allen screenplay. Spiderman uses his incredible powers of stasis to make sure nothing happens at all for several years (Dear lord, is *possible* to make three panels more boring?) and Katz dies of a stroke. Momma impersonates Spiderman's Aunt May and sends him into convulsions when she bares her breasts. Mary Worth and the Fat Broad from "B.C." reveal that they are sisters and team-up, crushing Momma between them. They turn on each other in a brutal frenzy, however, when Dagwood sets a sandwich in the middle of the arena. Unfortunately for Bumstead, he is swiftly beaten and castrated by the desperate females of "9 Chickweed Lane". They are no match for Cathy, though, as she drives paper spindles into their thighs, all the while howling for donuts like a banshee. Sylvia uses her hypnotic ability to talk about nothing at all and make absolutely no sense yet appear intellectual and "alternative" to drive the already neurotic Cathy over the edge and have her committed for life. Sally Forth counters the faux-surreal aura of Sylvia with her own intense banality, then slaps her silly with a spatula. Michael from "For Better or For Worse" re-animates the corpse of their dead dog and sends the hell-bound beast on mission of destruction, thus avoiding the bad-art zone of Sally Forth himself. But he accepts an invitation to a frat party at Apt. 3-G, and passes out in a puddle of his own puke there. A renegade "Bizarro" character who didn't leave when we made the first cut kicks over a lamp at Apt. 3-G, setting fire to the place. Fire engines are dispatched, but arrive too late because they follow a map drawn by Little Billy. The Family Circus Cabal stands tall in their little circle of wholesome power for a time, but then they are suddenly pelted with rocks, strangled with kite string, beaten with bats, savaged by beagle teeth, anally-invaded with footballs and smothered in blankets. Charlie Brown has come to town. ******************** HAD ENOUGH WONDERFUL? ******************** -- The Gun Man ******************http://www.geocities.com/soho/6856 ****************** "I swirled my cloak about me as I had when I was an actor and no torturer, though I had been a torturer." -Gene Wolfe * New address! And some useless changes... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html * Expand your e-mail mind with the absurdly named YoYoMail! http://www.yoyomail.com/cgi-bin/a?referral=Wonderful ________________________________________________________ 1stUp.com - Free the Web Get your free Internet access at http://www.1stUp.com From misterw@sirius.com Sat, 26 Aug 2000 02:45:48 +0000 Date: Sat, 26 Aug 2000 02:45:48 +0000 From: Wonderful Labs misterw@sirius.com Subject: [Wonderful Labs] The Worst of Dark REPRINTING SOME OF MISTER DARK'S MORE INFAMOUS REPLIES... _______________ 10/20/98 In reply to the query "DARK FANGS" _______________ When you are again moved to write a pointless novel in the guise of query, please do not fail to set yourself on fire. Jack London was a twenty-five cent rent-boy in the Yukon for years. Everyone had him, and he cried himself to sleep every night. Thank you for fucking off. *********************** ARE YOU PREPARED FOR DARKNESS? *********************** _________________ 3/22/98 In reply to "HUNGRY DARKNESS" __________________ Why do you wax loquacious when you know you will only be savaged by my impatient self? Simply write: "I am a disgusting housekeeper without a shred of decency or common sense and I would like to be killed in a bizarre pesticide mix-up." Then I would have something to work with. What you are doing with a blue-footed booby photo, I do not wish to know. Nevertheless, it is with that clue that I divine the nature of your infestation: your couch is rampant with Keebler Elves. Enjoy. ************ WHY ASK DARK? ************ ___________________ 3/22/98 In reply to the query "DARK COMPANIONS" ____________________ Are you familiar with the phrase, "Squealers get stomped"? Do not ever ask me a question again. *************** SYMPATHY FOR THE DARKNESS *************** _________________ 6/29/99 In reply to the query "DARK APPRENTICE" __________________ The continued existence of you and your fellow upright apes incrementally makes this universe a less pleasant place to live. Hope you die in a bizarre ferris wheel accident, Mister Dark *********************** LIFE IN THE DARK LANE *********************** _____________________ 8/2/99 In reply to the query "THE GREAT DARKNESS" ______________________ Mister Dark here. I have some advice. Die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die die, you long-winded bastard, you. May you save the women of the world by choking on a British spy in a sports car, Mister Dark **************************** SORRY, IT'S DARK **************************** -- Information Warrior "And if you ask a lot of questions and all that it reveals is the best choice we're given is the best of two evils. Then can you tell which side you're on?" -Naked Raygun * New address! And some useless changes... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html * Expand your e-mail mind with the absurdly named YoYoMail! http://www.yoyomail.com/cgi-bin/a?referral=Wonderful ________________________________________________________ 1stUp.com - Free the Web Get your free Internet access at http://www.1stUp.com From misterw@sirius.com Sat, 26 Aug 2000 02:55:54 +0000 Date: Sat, 26 Aug 2000 02:55:54 +0000 From: Wonderful Labs misterw@sirius.com Subject: [Wonderful Labs] The Best of Wonder [3] REPRINTING SOME OF OUR FINEST UNARCHIVED MOMENTS ___________________ 8/23/99 WONDER SIDE STORY ___________________ Dear Wonderful, How do you solve a problem like Maria? Signed, West Sider _______________________ Dear Tony, Report her to the INS. ************************ WONDER DOWN, EIGHTEEN TO GO ************************ -- The Triple Aries ***************http://www.geocities.com/soho/6856 *************** "All that is, is metaphor." - Norman O. Brown * New address! And some useless changes... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html * Expand your e-mail mind with the absurdly named YoYoMail! http://www.yoyomail.com/cgi-bin/a?referral=Wonderful ________________________________________________________ 1stUp.com - Free the Web Get your free Internet access at http://www.1stUp.com From misterw@sirius.com Sat, 26 Aug 2000 03:07:26 +0000 Date: Sat, 26 Aug 2000 03:07:26 +0000 From: Wonderful Labs misterw@sirius.com Subject: [Wonderful Labs] The Best of Wonder [forget numbering] REPRINTING ONE OF THE MOST DUBIOUS QUERIES EVER.... __________________ 10/25/98 WONDER NC-17 __________________ Dear Mr. Wonderful, My girlfriend thinks my ass tastes like shit, while I believe it tastes like a vegetarian pita bread sandwich with feta and hummous and olive oil. And calimata olives. And tomatoes. Vegetarian, mind you, not vegan. Who is correct? Signed, the Man Who Ate Rasputin's Ass ___________________ Dear Frugal Gourmet, An informal survey of Wonderful Labs employees and their significant others yields these not-very-surprising results: 90% have never eaten ass. Of those who have never eaten ass: 75% are not impressed by the argument, "How do you know you don't like it if you've never tried it?" 99% would not try it on a train. 99% would not try it on a plane. 87% would not try it in the rain. 10% could, and would, with a goat. 66% feel that the readers are becoming jaded and that's not necessarily a bad thing. 2% said, "That's not right." 13% wonder how you managed to taste your own ass, and if you are merely speculating, you should stop contradicting those with experience. 93% wanted us to know that they would definitely expect combat pay if they had to taste your ass. 27% don't like hummous. All of which reaffirms the basic principle by which we settle aesthetic debates here in the Labs, to wit: "Taste is in the ass of the beholder." Your girlfriend is right, and so are you. Maybe she had a stroke, cross-checking her nervous system into the boards. Sadly enough, if she doesn't like your ass, she doesn't have to eat it. And if anyone can translate that basic principle into Latin, I'd laugh for days. *********************** GROUND CONTROL TO MISTER WONDERFUL *********************** -- The Gun Man ***************http://www.geocities.com/soho/6856 *************** "I worship a god with an elephant head!" -King Mob * New address! And some useless changes... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html * Expand your e-mail mind with the absurdly named YoYoMail! http://www.yoyomail.com/cgi-bin/a?referral=Wonderful ________________________________________________________ 1stUp.com - Free the Web Get your free Internet access at http://www.1stUp.com From misterw@sirius.com Sat, 26 Aug 2000 03:25:00 +0000 Date: Sat, 26 Aug 2000 03:25:00 +0000 From: Wonderful Labs misterw@sirius.com Subject: [Wonderful Labs] The Best of Wonder [!] REPRINTING SOME OF OUR MORE SHAGADELIC UNARCHIVED MOMENTS... _________________ 6/21/99 AUSTIN WONDERS _________________ Dear Mister Wonderful, I note with delighted irony that Mister Lucas's cinematic space opera, confidently expected to reign as a box office number one for innumerably tedious weeks, has been knocked off the number one place after a thankfully brief reign by a British sexy superspy, albeit a bad Canadian imitation of one. Does this in itself prove the superiority of British culture? Yours smugly, Pierce Lazenby. ___________________ Dear "Fats" Churchill, In a word, no. While I am as delighted as you to find that "STAR WARS: Was That A Movie?" has been justly dethroned from the box office, I fail to see that as evidence of British culture's global superiority. A wet noodle with an afro singing the theme from "Shaft" could have outdone "STAR WARS: Darth Maul Gets Screwed Like Ricky Martin At A Slumber Party", and it would not indicate that Black America has finally come into its own. Plus, I think it rather amusing that "shag" has made its way so innocuously into American parlance. What's next? "STAR WARS: The Fanny Menace"? Lord Nelson would be shocked, positively shocked. ************************ HOW 'BOUT A BIT OF HOW'S YOUR WONDER? ************************ -- Hot Handed God Of Cops ***************http://www.geocities.com/soho/6856 *************** "What's he *building* in there?" -Tom Waits * New address! And some useless changes... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html * Expand your e-mail mind with the absurdly named YoYoMail! http://www.yoyomail.com/cgi-bin/a?referral=Wonderful ________________________________________________________ 1stUp.com - Free the Web Get your free Internet access at http://www.1stUp.com From misterw@sirius.com Mon, 28 Aug 2000 21:40:04 +0000 Date: Mon, 28 Aug 2000 21:40:04 +0000 From: Wonderful Labs misterw@sirius.com Subject: [Wonderful Labs] A Word in your ear Dear Gentles, Just a couple final notes before we begin the show again... If you have any friends, enemies, indeterminate anthropomorphs, whatever, that you think might enjoy a bit of Mister Wonderful's secret sauciness, please point them in the direction of the List Info page (http://www.pairlist.net/mailman/listinfo/wonderfullabs) or have them send an e-mail to one of the addresses. At this point, word-of-mouth is our strongest ally. There's an oral sex joke in there, somewhere, but I don't have time to get into it. If I set up another list for y'all to talk on, it will be completely separate. I will not be moderating it and it will be 100% voluntary, viewer discretion advised. I would hope that the conversation would be such as befits the readers of Wonderful: talk of philosophy and science and wisdom and low-cut gowns and bullet casings falling in slow motion and terrible lesbian vampire films and the tragedy of marriage vs the comedy of food. But somehow I think you Hooligans will be mocking me the whole time... There are currently 19 Wonderqueries waiting in queue. The earliest is from the 18th of July. Mister Wonderful intends to clear these out as quickly as possible, for as to get to new topics and timely inquiries. This means the list traffic will be heavy at first, but remember - just because they arrive all at once, it doesn't mean you have to read them all at once. Pace yourself. Maybe one guffaw with your morning coffee. A light chuckle with your afternoon coffee. A snigger behind the paper with your after-dinner coffee. And the rest as you stay up all night vibrating, just like your host. It's been three weeks since we last did this, he said. Hope I haven't forgotten how to pluck my magic twanger. Cheers, Mister W -- Information Warrior "Deep down we're all retards. You. Me. All of us. Just a bunch of retards. Spazzing out. Waiting for someone to come along who understands." -Kat Walker, "Girlquake": * New address! And some useless changes... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html * Expand your e-mail mind with the absurdly named YoYoMail! http://www.yoyomail.com/cgi-bin/a?referral=Wonderful ________________________________________________________ 1stUp.com - Free the Web Get your free Internet access at http://www.1stUp.com From misterw@sirius.com Wed, 30 Aug 2000 02:13:04 +0000 Date: Wed, 30 Aug 2000 02:13:04 +0000 From: Wonderful Labs misterw@sirius.com Subject: [Wonderful Labs] INTERSTELLAR WONDER Dear Mister Wonderful, For some strange reason, I remembered this morning that as a child, I was very attracted to Josie of "Josie and the Pussycats". Is this something to be embarrassed about, or am I normal? I'm afraid to ask anyone else, for fear of neverending ridicule by my peers. What is your opinion? Signed, O. Crumbcake _________________ Dear Sebastian Cabot, My friend, my friend, I don't even see the query here. Of course it's normal. You're fine. Mister Dark has just shaken a kitten at me, bidding that I tell you this: Keep in mind that you are consulting the Mister who, while drunk, will fall to his knees in front of a television set and propose to Aeon Flux. He also attempts to dance like Bugs Bunny and weeps openly at episodes of the Powerpuff Girls. Caveat Lector. Whatever. That Josie was one mean tease in a catsuit. Red-headed ball of *fire*. And the Pussycats, well... it's like Neapolitan ice cream, isn't it? Now, if you'd admitted your childhood fetish was for Jabberjaw - then we'd have a problem. ********************* I'M A CREEP...I'M A WONDERFUL ********************* -- Information Warrior "Deep down we're all retards. You. Me. All of us. Just a bunch of retards. Spazzing out. Waiting for someone to come along who understands." -Kat Walker, "Girlquake": * New address! And some useless changes... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html * Expand your e-mail mind with the absurdly named YoYoMail! http://www.yoyomail.com/cgi-bin/a?referral=Wonderful ________________________________________________________ 1stUp.com - Free the Web Get your free Internet access at http://www.1stUp.com From misterw@sirius.com Wed, 30 Aug 2000 02:46:48 +0000 Date: Wed, 30 Aug 2000 02:46:48 +0000 From: Wonderful Labs misterw@sirius.com Subject: [Wonderful Labs] LOVE WONDERFUL STYLE Dear Mister Wonderful, I've got this problem, see; I dated this girl that a friend of mine dated first. Then, she and I broke up, and now there might be the chance that I might date the girl he dated immediately *after* this girl, so I'll be literally following the same dating "path" of females he did (assuming this next girl is interested in me after all). Is there something wrong with me, or is this okay? That is, am I having the "jealous younger sibling" syndrome, or does this actually happen occasionally, inasmuch as a person who dates a specific type of girl probably has a similar interest in certain types of girls as another person who dates that same girl? Should I just drop it all and join a monastery? As a postscript, I was wondering where I can find a good place to meet nice single girls. Any suggestions? Signed, Unoriginal in Orange County __________________ Dear Single White Male, As long as the second girl your friend dated wasn't your sister, I don't see a problem. Actually, Mister Wonderful wouldn't have a problem even if the girl *is* related to you, but society is *so* uptight these days. Joining a monastery is just as bad, because then you've got all these quiet, mysterious guys in skirts hanging around and messing with your head. Cock teases, the lot of 'em. There are lots of single women at gay bars. Rather, the women you meet at bars who cater to a homosexual male clientele are likely to be single. And only attracted to fags. How's your swish? You could let one "convert" you. *********************** THIS IS YOUR WONDER SPEAKING *********************** -- Information Warrior "Deep down we're all retards. You. Me. All of us. Just a bunch of retards. Spazzing out. Waiting for someone to come along who understands." -Kat Walker, "Girlquake": * New address! And some useless changes... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html * Expand your e-mail mind with the absurdly named YoYoMail! http://www.yoyomail.com/cgi-bin/a?referral=Wonderful ________________________________________________________ 1stUp.com - Free the Web Get your free Internet access at http://www.1stUp.com From misterw@sirius.com Wed, 30 Aug 2000 02:32:25 +0000 Date: Wed, 30 Aug 2000 02:32:25 +0000 From: Wonderful Labs misterw@sirius.com Subject: [Wonderful Labs] FATED TO WONDER Dear Mr. Wonderful, How does one discover their destiny? Bolts of lightning? Frogs with hiccups? Visions? Simple decision making or do they just wake up one morning, old and wrinkly, and realize that they've done something their whole lives and decided it was their destiny? Can I blame Hollywood for this whole issue? thanks again, Neo ________________ Dear Whoa, Some of us are quite young and handsome when we wake up and realize that we've been amazing bullshit artists our whole lives and it's time to make it official by creating an advice column. If someone comes up to you and tells you that they know your destiny, belt 'em in the mouth. Then pop 'em again, for me. I don't care how old or wise they appear. That little Yoda bastard woulda been a field goal if he came around here. *Nobody* from outside gets to determine your fate. Got it? Only you and the secret-you know. And how you start a conversation with the secret-you... well, that's best left for another column, when I've got a big frosty mug of mescaline in front of me. ******************** I'M A GOOD MURDER WONDERFUL ******************** -- Information Warrior "Deep down we're all retards. You. Me. All of us. Just a bunch of retards. Spazzing out. Waiting for someone to come along who understands." -Kat Walker, "Girlquake": * New address! And some useless changes... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html * Expand your e-mail mind with the absurdly named YoYoMail! http://www.yoyomail.com/cgi-bin/a?referral=Wonderful ________________________________________________________ 1stUp.com - Free the Web Get your free Internet access at http://www.1stUp.com From misterw@sirius.com Thu, 31 Aug 2000 05:32:18 +0000 Date: Thu, 31 Aug 2000 05:32:18 +0000 From: Wonderful Labs misterw@sirius.com Subject: [Wonderful Labs] Slogans Run We're puttering around the Labs here (because that's what we love to do) and we're trying to come up with a phrase that we can maybe use as a popular "catchphrase' - something we can put on a t-shirt or a mug or a banner and get the thirteen year old girls dripping for... Here're some of our current thoughts: WONDERFUL: Mister Wonderful Answers All! (this is getting kind of old, although we still like the MWAA! acronym) 100% Fact Free (submitted by Just Wondering) A Dip in the Wisdom Pool Wisdom with a Twist Because Someone Has To Stand For Booze, Sex and Caffeine Things Man Was Not Meant To Know A Left Turn at Reality What Others Dream, We Know I Got the Business! Ho Ho Ho, Puny Mortals. The Grease In Reality's Wheels Eye Know Cecil Adams Can Suck My Dick Who Needs Facts? I'm Laughing and You Don't Know Why The World's Biggest Ego Dangerous People with Too Much Time on Their Hands We Like It Dark and Malicious Vampires on the Teat of Wisdom Half a Tank of Gas and 10,000 Queries Arrogant and Proud We Know Everything - And We'll Make Up The Stats to Prove It Great Balls of Wisdom If You Don't Get It, You Don't Deserve It Some Achieve Wisdom Through Study - We Make It Up Drink, Fornicate, Learn Crooked Thoughts Vanity Is the Hallmark of Wisdom Screw You! I Heard it from the Source. Anyway, let's have a round of input on this topic, shall we? MW -- Information Warrior "Deep down we're all retards. You. Me. All of us. Just a bunch of retards. Spazzing out. Waiting for someone to come along who understands." -Kat Walker, "Girlquake": * New address! And some useless changes... http://www.geocities.com/misterdark23/wful.html * Expand your e-mail mind with the absurdly named YoYoMail! http://www.yoyomail.com/cgi-bin/a?referral=Wonderful ________________________________________________________ 1stUp.com - Free the Web Get your free Internet access at http://www.1stUp.com