Newsgroups: alt.food.fast-food,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Burger King Fries vs Mac's Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sat, 6 Mar 1999 06:25:30 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.food.fast-food In alt.food.fast-food, "tom gee" (gman@calweb.com) wrote: > > Subject: Burger King Fries vs Mac's BUT ONION RINGS ARE BETTER THAN PENTIUMS ANY DAY!!!! -- K. "The gun is good, the Pentium is evil..." -- Zardoz ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: OH NO! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sat, 6 Mar 1999 06:50:42 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > I like to say to make people think I'm a Valley Girl, like "tubular" > > and "vomitrocious". > > > > Which can be combined as "tubifex worms." > > > Tubifex worms are a carrier for the parasite that causes Twirling Disease > in salmon. And in salmonids. Dear Joseph Charles Michael Rotten Bay-otten Brussels Sprouts The Third, I'm sorry, this callback is so obscure that I forgot what I was going to say, and why, and to whom, and when, and whether I would wear pants while not saying it, assuming I remember to forget to say it. > Mmmm, salmonid. "salmonid" is just "p!uowjes" spelled upside down. In Futura Medium. FUTURA MEDIUM, THE OFFICIAL FONT OF SPELLING DISEASED FISH UPSIDE DOWN. -- K. now I must ghoti myself to a rolling doughnut. ON THE MOOOOOON! AHHHH, BURLAP DOOOOORS! AHHHHH, DOUGHNUT MOOOONNNN!!! YOU CRUDDY SHOE FEEF!!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Worship me Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sat, 6 Mar 1999 07:10:17 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Jim Ferry (jferry@uiuc.edu) wrote: > > My name is James P. Ferry. I think, therefore, I should be > worshipped, and I am. Well, a little. Oh C'mon. Hi, James P. Ferry! Boy, is THAT a dumb name! I suggest you immediately change it to something that won't make people run up to you shouting "HEY JAMES 'KIBO' PARRY, YOU SPELLED YOUR NAME WRONG *AND* YOU'RE A BIG CREEP ALL OVER THE INTERNET! GET OFF MY INTERNET!" I would suggest you endeavour to have your name confused with people who are more respected than I am. Ideas for names cooler than "James P. Ferry": Boba Hope Ted Mugent I NARROWLY AVOIDED USING THE WORD 'LOCUS' BELOW Kim Cattralll | Plutarchimedes Onionium | | O. K. Simpson | <------ world's best-selling cola | ...ON THE PLANET SUCKO! L. Ron Howard | | Adloaf Halter | | Farty Atbuckle | <------ I apologize for that one | and | v Nichard Rixon Also, your name is EXACTLY as close to "Jim Perry", host of TV's "Card Sharks" in the late seventies, as mine is. Thus, somewhere there is an infinitely long line perpendicular to the line segment connecting me to you, passing through its midpoint, and the game-show host is lost somewhere near one of the two ends of that line. I feel that it is very important that we continue to not know where Jim Perry is while maintaining a cordial relationship in which neither of us is actually a game-show host. Gotta go, my lines are getting too short now. Bye! -- K. I think I just gave myself an ASCII wedgie. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Opening Day Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3037 centons, 39 microns, 0.03 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sat, 6 Mar 1999 07:17:06 GMT Secret-Web-Page: http://www.kibo.com/do_what_i_say/ Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > > > Alan Bostick (abostick@netcom.com) writes: > > > > > > Pavarotti is not about equal to Placido Domingo > > > > Well, in a multicenter double-blind study, patients responded about > > as well to Pavarotti treatment as they did when administered a Placido. > > > BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! > > Congrats. First one this month. FRICK: What do you call it when Terri Willis has a B.M. around L.A. ten times? FRACK: Why, I do not know. What do you call it when Terri Willis has a B.M. around L.A. ten times? FRICK: ...I DON'T KNOW EITHER!!! FRACK: Now, cousin, let us do the dance of joy! (both start jumping up and down as they shout together:) FRICK & FRACK: BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM HEY HEY HEY!!! (the TV set in the background suddenly begins talking audibly) TV ANNOUNCER: News flash! Los Angeles has been destroyed in a very unpleasant way! More after this ad for cookies! FRICK & FRACK: Yayyyy, cookies! -- K. I apologized for having once mailed a spec script to a sitcom, especially that one. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Flaming Fish of Death! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 7 Mar 1999 08:37:22 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Less than a day ago, I wrote: > > Matt McIrvin (mmcirvin@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > One of the teachers I had in the fifth grade liked > > to go on endlessly about how she was a personal acquaintance of the > > sheik of Bahrain. I have no idea whether she was telling the truth or not. > > > > I guess that wasn't much of a story. > > I used to have some postage stamps from Bahrain. WAAH! MATT! WE JUST INADVERTENTLY CAUSED KIBOLOGY TO KILL ANOTHER INNOCENT CELEBRITY! Assuming you call the Emir of Bahrain a celebrity. Which is kind of hard to do because NOW HE'S DEAD!!! Just like Carl Sagan. We're making fun of what a loser he is and THE NEXT DAY HE DIES FOR NO APPARENT REASON!!! People, I have some important suggestions for everyone! PLEASE MAKE FUN OF BOB HOPE MORE OFTEN! AND NEVER MAKE FUN OF ME! -- K. Matt killed the Emir of Bahrain 'cause he wanted his story to have a better ending than "I guess that wasn't much of a story." Now he can end it with "I guess that wasn't much of a story before I killed him." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I am losing my mind part XXXVII Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 7 Mar 1999 09:41:13 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Clememt Cherlim" (cherlin@psynet.net) wrote: > > Beable von Polasm (beable@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > [creamy nougat center of this thread.] > > > > > > [You can't spell NOUGAT unless you have NO UGAT!] > > > > So as my token of APPRECIATION for your CONTINUAL FUNNIEST > > PERSON IN THE WOOOORRRRLLLDDD STATUS, I would like to send > > you ALL MY MONEY AND CANDY, NOW AND FOREVER! Would that be > > OK with you? I'M SENDING IT NOW ANYWAY!! CHECK YOUR LETTER > > BOX! > > But you forget! Kibo doesn't HAVE a letter box! He's sooo far beyond the > puny technology of us puny-type-punics that he has a SENTENCE box! Actually, instead of a mailbox, I have one of those giant spherical birdcages with the big crank in the side so that every morning I can make a big deal out of just picking out one lucky winning letter at random, and then the rest get thrown into the furnace to be recycled into pollution. Of course, because the biggest chunks always float to the top, the one envelope I grab tends to be the thickest item in the bunch. This is good because I enjoy leafing through the Yellow Pages for people's names to make fun of, and the Lab Safety Supply catalog is now around 1600 pages. Unfortunately, not enough of them feature the word "diborane". -- K. /\ /6 \ /\ /\ /6 \/6 \ \ /\ / \/ \/ \:P/ \/ ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Two items of interest to me Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 7 Mar 1999 09:56:41 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > [item of interest to David Pacheco deleted, which means that now he's > not allowed to read the current article in any future anthologies] > > [the second item:] > > In other news, in a pitch to reduce negative PR, and taking a page from > the Apple book of advertising, a well-known bacteria has officially > changed its name to "iColi," and now comes in five new colours, > including "Raw Beef Red" and "Eggyolk Yellow." And those oldies but goodies, "Gan Green", "Appendicitis Purple And Bulgy", and "Salmon Salmonella". > Insiders claim that "iBola" is being considered as well. What I want to know is... When is the WebTV going to come in different shades of stupid? -- K. I apologize for having nothing worthwhile to say about either of these items, particularly the earlier, funnier one. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.materials,sci.edu,alt.religion.kibology,alt.usenet.kooks,sci.physics From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: first two movies of AP, Good Will Hunting & Pi Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 7 Mar 1999 10:16:40 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.materials and sci.edu, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > The first two movies of Archimedes Plutonium. I am not surprized they > are a 'flame' of me. > > Some persons told me about them because they reminded them of me. So > last week I saw them. Did you go to a theater or did you just close your eyes for a moment like you do with those invisible lawsuits you keep claiming you've filed? > Pi: faith in chaos, 1997, Darren Aronofsky > --- quoting jacket --- > A brilliant mathematician teeters on the brink of insanity as he > searches for an elusive numerical code in this critically acclaimed > schizophrenic thriller! > --- end quote --- > > The movie director must of seen that I have a shaved-bald head and > thus the actor likewise. Yeah! And that actual mathematician guy that the movie is actually based on is copying you too! The coincidence is EERILY STUPID! Speaking of eerily stupid, you should stop retouching all the photos on your Web page to make the pupils of your eyes eight times the size of a normal human's. > The first movies of me will portray me as insane, rather than as a > supergenius. Golly, I am *never* protrayed in movies as being insane, therefore, I'm a supergenius too. *AND* I inspired "Star Wars". > Actually, I sort of got bored while watching Pi, and could not wait > for the next movie of Good Will Hunting, hoping for it to be more > upbeat. > > GOOD WILL HUNTING, 1997, with Robin Williams, director Gus Van Sant, > written by Ben Affleck & Matt Damon. > > This is a movie about a genius math kid who cleans the floors at MIT. > Again, I am the model behind this movie. Um, Arch, you don't go to MIT. And I know they don't HAVE people cleaning the floors. You've clearly never seen what Lobby Seven looks like. > These authors of both these > movies can read my web pages any day of the year and model their movies > around me. So what you're saying is that most movies are based on topless photos of Marina Sirtis, Cheryl Crow, and Dr. Laura, and then there are a lot of movies where the plot is just a guy shouting "404!!!!!", and then there are the movies about your Web page? I got news for you, pal. You can't make a good movie out of a crazy guy's Web page. Hell, I don't think you could even make a good Web page out of your Web page. > At least in Good Will Hunting, Gus Van Sant does not portray > me as bald. So? I can name *hundreds* of movies where NOBODY PORTRAYED ME BALD!!! > Rather, he picks on the fact that I wash pots for Dartmouth > College and turns that into floor cleaning at MIT. He then portrays me > as telling the Fields prize winner mathematician that I have better > things to do with my time than to do his simpleton mathematics. You see, it's obviously a fantasy film. > Both movies portray me with psychological problems, I take that back. It's a documentary. > where in Good Will Hunting, I am forced to see a psychiatrist counselor. AND SHE'S MARINA SIRTIS, TOPLESS!!!! > These are the first two movies of Archimedes Plutonium. But later in > the future they will dispense with the flamethrowing and mudflinging > and depict me as I truly am. Such as this. I think you'd fit better on the small screen. Like the little one-inch black-and-white screen on Martin Landau's "commlock" in "Space: 1999". Unfortunately, your presence would probably lower the degree of scientific accuracy in "Space: 1999". > I enter a room full of people (not unlike Branagh's opening scenes > with HENRY V). Everyone is silent and kneels to the floor. Finally > someone comes over to deliver the latest news. I stretch out my right > arm with hand down, and he kisses my hand as he kneels. I read the news > of the day of science, for I am the King of Science. "Carry on, people" Then people hit you with pies for ten minutes, and then your head explodes and a puppy comes out. The puppy says "It's a living! Arf!" and then the camera pulls back to show the audience watching the movie can see that there's no audience watching the movie. Also, if you look close, you can see the perforations between the frames because the movie is released on special Charmin film stock. -- K. So what's the title? And how many minutes will we have to skip over if we just want to see Marina Sirtis? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.edu,sci.logic,sci.med,sci.bio.misc,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: 3.1 Re: Deciding experiment of Prusiner's prion disease Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 7 Mar 1999 10:20:40 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.edu, sci.logic, sci.med, sci.bio.misc, and sci.bio.technology, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > [...] > > It appears that making a career in science is > disjointed from having an obnoxious personality. Wow! At last something has been PROVEN by Archimedes Plutonium! -- K. The big question is, if Archie lost his elbow in a dishwasher accident, could it make what he types any more disjointed? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.bio.ethology,sci.bio.misc,sci.med,sci.physics.fusion,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Dogs are the best for Antarctica Re: ITER, not quite yet jiggered enough, quote from THE LAST PLACE ON EARTH Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 7 Mar 1999 11:35:52 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.bio.ethology, sci.bio.misc, sci.med, sci.energy, and sci.physics.fusion, Archimedes Plutonium (Archimedes.Plutonium@dartmouth.edu) wrote: > > Having seen The Last Place On Earth re: Amundsen and Scott, a thought > came to my mind. That dogs have a superlative. They are the best built > animal to take on the hardship of coldness. I suppose a polar bear is > even better. Yes! Yes! Dogs are the bestest animal there is EXCEPT for the ones that are better! GENIUS! GENIUS! I suggest you throw yourself into this line of work by vaulting over the railing that separates you from the polar bears at the zoo. And be sure to wear your salmon-flavored cologne. > There should be a science of biology superlatives where one lists in > an encyclopedia type fashion the superlatives of living creatures. Most Insane Dishwasher Most Often Wrong Roundest Head Wackiest Made-Up Mad Scientist Name Most Likely To Post Stupid Stuff About Dogs In Sci.Physics.Fusion This is a great irony, because we know you'd be listed under dozens of such categories despite the fact that, overall, you're ABSOLUTELY THE VERY LEAST SUPERLATIVE person ever, and I am not exaggerating hyperbolically, I swear on a stack of a million Bibles timesed by infinity. > Can someone quantify this superlativeness of dogs in cold > temperature? Arch, please keep your sex life out of this. > Question: I had heard of an overdose of vit A from eating polar bear > liver by early explorers. In the movie, Amundsen tells his men, do not > eat the liver because of an eskimo saying, never eat what a dog won't > eat. I was going to answer your question, but I can't find it. Have you considered a career in a different field? Preferably one filled with those flowers from "Star Trek" that shoot the poison darts that go "KA-BWOINGGGG!" and instantly kill anyone who's not Vulcan? -- K. Of course, Archie could foil my dastardly plan by changing his name to "Archimedes Spock". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Do not fire the incompetent urban public librarian. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 7 Mar 1999 12:10:43 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In soc.libraries.talk, Don Saklad (dsaklad@berne.ai.mit.edu) wrote: > > With urban public libraries' institutional cultures as they are the > worse retribution would be to let the incompetent librarian continue > in the urban public library environment! Man, these are the worst Gilbert & Sullivan lyrics I've ever heard. > Raise remuneration and increase responsibility and accountability. (enter several DALEKS.) DALEK #1: EX-TER-MI-NATE! DE-FEN-E-STRATE! MAS-TI-CATE! RE-MUN-ER-ATE! DALEK #2: RAISE RE-MUN-ER-ATION! RE-MUN-ER-ATE! RE-MUN-ER-ATE! DR. WHO: Oh dear, those narsty old Daleks are after me. I think I'll just nip across this double yellow line on the floor. DALEK #1: OUR DE-SIGN FLAWS FOR-BID US FROM CROSS-ING YEL-LOW LINES! DALEK #2: THERE-FORE WE MUST NOW EX-PLODE! DALEK #1: WE ARE NOW EX-PLO-DING! EX-PLO-DING! EX-PLO-DING! (There is a loud electronic "ZOINGGG!" noise accompanied by a throbbing red ellipse superimposed on the screen for five seconds. The red ellipse has a blue halo around it that isn't supposed to be there and destroys the realism.) DR. WHO: Oh no, that gigantic explosion has reversed the polarity of my Dewey Decimal System Compensator! Now all the books in my infinitely large library are sorted in descending order so nobody can find anything! (He turns to face the camera, which ZOOMS IN on his face.) DR. WHO: DON SAKLAD, HELP ME!!! (Sound of a Concorde flying right through the middle of a stereo microphone. ROLL CREDITS over swirly psychedelic pictures of Don Saklad's disembodied head travelling through time.) > Develop funding for faculty type chairs for librarians and their > curatorial projects. I believe Archimedes Plutonium has already invented special faculty-type rocking chairs made out of superstrong spider silk and electric Velcro. -- K. I am so glad I caught the typo and fixed the word "rocking" before posting this. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Do not fire the incompetent urban public librarian. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1999 02:17:17 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Zork Melinda (smjames@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > DALEK #1: EX-TER-MI-NATE! DE-FEN-E-STRATE! MAS-TI-CATE! RE-MUN-ER-ATE! > > Terry Nation died for your puns. > > I hope your satisfied. OH NO! I just did the research and found out that Terry Nation died a whole year ago! I had just thought that my curse was that every celebrity I mentioned died, but now celebrities are dying BEFORE I even mention then on the Internet! * Carl Sagan dies the day after I make fun of him. * Nothing was ever proven about Kurt Cobain or Bob Denver. * Then the Emir of Bahrain dies 24 hours after I mention him the first time. * Stanley Kubrick 12 hours before I repost everything I ever said about him. * And now, Terry Nation dies a year before I mention the Daleks! But, I just don't understand what the deal is with Bob Hope. Maybe I should never have mentioned him, because apparently now they die before I mention them or not at all. Anyway, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to retroactively kill Terry Nation. I've seen every episode of "Blakes 7" (including the one where the accidentally showed the missing apostrophe) and every episode of "Doctor Who", so this proves I'm a good person. (It's not like I'm a "seaQuest DSV" fan.) -- K. I admit it, I've seen every episode of "seaQuest DSV" several times, but I'm not LIKE a "seaQuest DSV" fan. For instance, I never finished assembling my plastic model of the super-sub. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.sci.physics.plutonium,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Do not fire the incompetent urban public librarian. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 9 Mar 1999 09:06:03 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In soc.libraries.talk and alt.religion.kibology, Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Nothing was ever proven about Kurt Cobain or Bob Denver [regarding > > > Kibo's involvement in their murders.] > > > > During my stay in Seattle; in fact, the night before I left, there > > was a show on public access which consisted largely of an ugly guy > > with a silly beard pointing a camcorder up at himself from arm's > > length, Matt Frewer grew a beard? Wow. Is this for "Lawnmower Headroom III"? In which he wears an "A&W" T-shirt for the whole movie? (Somewhere, Matt McIrvin is about to fail to explain my theory about Matt Frewer's "A&W Root Beer" T-shirt.) > > as he talked in detail about something conspiratorial while, > > assumedly, in public places, since his face took up most of the > > frame. Oh, you were watching "The Postman". May I ask why? > > I found out after several subsequent flippings-through that > > this was apparently supposed to be a photojournalistic piece by > > someone who thought Kurt Cobain was murdered. And a few times he > > went out and asked people whether they thought Courtney Love killed > > him, and after their response it would freeze-frame on their gothish > > faces to complete silence for a few seconds before the documentary > > continued. And apparently part 2 is coming soon. > > > > This is one of the few things I do not wish to acquire for my video > > archive. I want to get a copy just so I can tape the "Baby Huey" live-action movie starring Marcia Brady over it and then throw the tape at the people who wrote that "HomeRuns" commercial where the woman shrieks at the top of her lungs continuously for sixty seconds. > Ah, yes. > This dude has been doing this show .. well, since Kurt Cobain died. I think > he's got a website somewhere, but since I don't give half a patoot, I'm not > going to look it up for you. What is the sound of one patoot tooting? > The title of his show is, in fact, "Kurt Cobain was Murdered". He often > supports his theory by showing clips from such programs as "The X-Files". > He ran for public office here in Shoreline a while back. When he didn't > win, he explained that there was a conspiracy to keep him out of the public > eye. > > I think that perhaps he and Archie should go bowling or something. Do you mean he should go bowling with all of Archie, or just his head? > -Leah I think it would be cool if Leah changed her name to Rilteh Leah so that we could tease Nazis about how whevever we say her name it's almost the same as "Heil Hitler" backwards so somewhere a "Heil Hitler" is being removed from the Universe and Hitler is retroactively becoming less respected in the Nazi community. Then the Nazis would cry because LEAH RUINED NAZIISM FOREVER!!! That would be GOOD. And that's why they'd cry. -- K. So, is Archie's severed head less icky than half a patoot? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Do not fire the incompetent urban public librarian. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 9 Mar 1999 08:57:52 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Chris McGonnell (smeagol@key-net.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) did it again ... > > > > But, I just don't understand what the deal is with Bob Hope. > > > > Maybe I should never have mentioned him, because apparently now they die > > before I mention them or not at all. > > YOU JUST KILLED JOE DIMAGGIO! YOU BASTARD! > Don't mention B-b H Waah! I accidentally killed a very nice man who invented Mr. Coffee!!! Next you'll tell me that I've killed Tom Carvel, too!!! I SWEAR I WAS ONLY TRYING TO KILL BOB HOPE BY NOT THINKING ABOUT HIM ALL DAY!!! -- K. He wants you to. So that's a good reason not to. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Is Applied Physics Letters prestigious enough? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sun, 7 Mar 1999 12:17:18 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.sci.physics.plutonium In sci.physics, Anonymous (nobody@replay.com) wrote: > > Is Applied Physics Letters prestigious enough to publish a Nobel prize > winning paper? If not, which journal would you recommend? Dear Archimedes Anonymousium, Have you considered Applied Sticky Papers, from the producers of the "3-2-1-ContactPaper" TV series? They have a large amount of backing. (They're adapting to the changing academic world -- currently they're trying to reposition their journal, but first they have to scrape it off with a razor blade.) Also, you didn't say how the Nobel Committee (part of NASA) knew to whom to give the prize, as you're completely anonymous and all that. -- K. And besides, I'm sure having a Nobel prize would be completely meaningless if you published your paper in a second-rate journal. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Stanley Kubrick's "A Kibological Orange" (part 1) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1999 02:01:14 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor As usual, when a celebrity I've heard of has just died, I'm going to repost just about everything I've ever written that mentions him. Anyway, he was the guy whose movies always had six or seven scenes you just couldn't shake -- the monkey throwing the bone, Slim Pickens riding the bomb, Jack Nicholson yelling "Here's Johnny!", Malcolm McDowell with clamps on his eyelids, the rectangular black slab loom over the deathbed, Peter Sellers yelling "Mein Fźrher, I can valk!", the soldiers chanting the "Mickey Mouse Club" theme, and Corporal Bat-Guano saying "If you try any preversions in there, I'll blow your head off!" Most filmmakers are lucky if they come up with one of those scenes in one of their films. There are very few things which become embedded so deeply in our culture's shared memory as these images which populated ever one of Kubrick's films. Unfortunately, he didn't have the chance to finish his final film -- and his one science-fiction film since 1971 -- "A.I.". ("Eyes Wide Shut" has been completed and will be released in a couple months. We'll know he was a genius if it turns out to be a good film despite starring Tom Cruise and non-actress Nicole Kidman.) He had a knack for satire -- "Dr. Strangelove" is still funny and terrifying no matter how many times you've seen it -- and for making good films out of things that seem impossible to make films of any sort out of. For instance, could anyone else have done "A Clockwork Orange" that well? Who else could have made "2001" so respected despite the fact that it contains almost no dialogue and no characters (except a computer)? Who else could have pulled off a riotously funny comedy about nuclear war? Who could match his battle scenes with thousands of extras in "Spartacus"? Has anyone else ever made a haunted-house story as creepy as "The Shining"? He could take ideas that would _never_ seem to work if you heard them described to you ("and then it ends with the hero dying on the cross with his wife saying 'Please die, my darling!" ... "and then the elevator doors open up and blood comes out!" ... "and then he's in a hotel room in outer space with a big black rectangle!" ... "and then Malcolm McDowell hits the lady with a giant ceramic penis!") and somehow overcome such challenges -- Kubrick aimed high, and it's surprising that he didn't have too many disasters. Stanley Kubrick, dead at 70. Soon to be buried in a coffin of the exact proportions: one by four by nine. And now, a run-down of nearly ever mention of Kubrick (by me) throughout the history of alt.religion.kibology. (Several parts, best viewed on a really, really wide screen.) -- K. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: TWO DAMN IMAGES!!!! Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Date: Mon, 21 Apr 1997 08:40:39 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 2973 centons, 63 microns, .02 zontars Two ideas just came to me... and they won't go away. 1.) The official Stanley Kubrick chess set, designed and produced by Mr. Kubrick himself. All the squares would be glowing white plastic, except for four shiny black ones arranged in a perfect asymmetric balance. The pieces would squeak when you moved them. There would be a light bulb in front of the most interesting square. Your opponent, wearing a brown tie, would hold very still. The board would be really long and narrow and you'd have to look at it through a fisheye lens. For three hours. 2.) What if Bob Hope had Bob Barker's Plinko Stick? We must kill Bob Hope before this happens or he will destroy the world. HELP MAKE THE WORLD HOPELESS!!! -- K. plink plink plink thermonuclear devastation STANLEY KUBRICK MUST KILL BOB HOPE!!! ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.astro,alt.religion.kibology,rec.arts.sf.movies From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: 31 Dec 2000 ? Followup-To: rec.arts.sf.movies,alt.religion.kibology Organization: HappyNet Headquarters Date: Fri, 15 Apr 1994 11:40:49 GMT In sci.astro article <1994Apr14.125959.214@nsrvan.van.wa.us>, wrote: > > Ever wonder why the book was titled > > 2001: A Space Odyssey > and not > 2000: A Space Odyssey > ??? I asked my friend Stanley Kubrick (who ghostwrites all of Arthur C. Clarke's novels now) about this, and he said that the original screenplay was titled "2000: A Space Odyssey". However, Al Eisen, inventor of 2000 Flushes(R) cleanser, which lasts up to four months, sued him. Kubrik retaliated by basing the character of Dr. Strangelove, the mad inventor, on Al Eisen. Edward Teller was such a big fan of that character that he decided to model his life on the fictional character. I'm a big fan of the movie because it has the best zero-gravity effects--indeed, the only good ones--ever filmed; this is because key scenes were shot at that special anti-gravity chamber at NASA headquarters in the Pentagon, where just a touch of a switch will make you float around, and you get ten thousand times stronger, just like an ant. In fact, the opening sequence of "2001" originally had giant ants throwing a bone into the air, but Kubrick decided that at his level of complete realism this scene was too scary for most audiences and so substituted "wacky" ape costumes in an attempt to add some comic relief. Followups to rec.arts.sf.movies. Hey, has anyone seen Kubrick's new TV series, "seaQuest DSV"? -- K. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: rec.arts.sf.movies,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: 31 Dec 2000 ? From: dubuque@husc7.harvard.edu (Peter Dubuque) Date: 16 Apr 94 02:07:12 GMT <1994Apr14.125959.214@nsrvan.van.wa.us> <2omgbb$ncq@bruce.uncg.edu> Organization: Harvard University, Cambridge, Massachusetts windsorr@hamlet.uncg.edu (Ryan Windsor) writes: >James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: >: In sci.astro article <1994Apr14.125959.214@nsrvan.van.wa.us>, >: wrote: >: > >: > Ever wonder why the book was titled >: > >: > 2001: A Space Odyssey >: > and not >: > 2000: A Space Odyssey >: > ??? >: I asked my friend Stanley Kubrick (who ghostwrites all of Arthur C. >: Clarke's novels now) about this, and he said that the original >: screenplay was titled "2000: A Space Odyssey". However, Al Eisen, >: inventor of 2000 Flushes(R) cleanser, which lasts up to four months, >: sued him. >: Kubrik retaliated by basing the character of Dr. Strangelove, the mad >: inventor, on Al Eisen. Edward Teller was such a big fan of that >: character that he decided to model his life on the fictional character. >: I'm a big fan of the movie because it has the best zero-gravity >: effects--indeed, the only good ones--ever filmed; this is because key >: scenes were shot at that special anti-gravity chamber at NASA >: headquarters in the Pentagon, where just a touch of a switch will make >: you float around, and you get ten thousand times stronger, just like an ant. >: In fact, the opening sequence of "2001" originally had giant ants >: throwing a bone into the air, but Kubrick decided that at his level of >: complete realism this scene was too scary for most audiences and so >: substituted "wacky" ape costumes in an attempt to add some comic relief. >: Followups to rec.arts.sf.movies. Hey, has anyone seen Kubrick's new TV >: series, "seaQuest DSV"? > : >Okay, time for our prozac,junior. For the rest of you, the zero grav was >shot on a soundstage using a puppeteer style wire system and the planets >and moon backgrounds were, believe or don't, photoprahs. ^^^^^^^^^^ You mispelled 'fat oprahs'. -- _______________________________________________________________________ Peter F. Dubuque dubuque@husc.harvard.edu Everyone has some redeeming quality...their mortality, if nothing else. _______________________________________________________________________ ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.science From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Unprotected man in vacuum. What happens? Keywords: vacuum, biology, pressure, space Organization: HappyNet Headquarters Date: Thu, 19 May 1994 09:01:13 GMT In sci.physics article , Joshua B. Rehman wrote: > Pardon me if this does not come out right -- it is my first post. I have alwa yswondered if Hollywood accurately portrays the phisiological repercussions. Wo uld your eye's bulge? Where is there any pressure differential that would cause this (except for air in one's lungs)? > My personal guess is that you would hemmorage severely, and perhaps the gases in your blood would desaturate and bubble, causing more damage. But else would one be affected? I am sure that the government has spent some time on this question -- perhaps someone could direct me toward their data? Josh-- you probably should be pushing 'Return' after every 75 characters or so to keep the long lines going off the edge of some people's screens. You might also want to try asking alt.folklore.science, they're big on exploding body parts. Hey, I bet the reason the Army is collecting secret data on WHAT HAPPENS IN A VACUUM is so that they can make a SECRET NEW WEAPON THAT SHOOTS A VACUUM AT YOU TO MAKE YOUR HEAD EXPLODE!!!! (I was told this by one of the generals of NASA while he was showing me the zero-gravity chamber in the NASA wing of the Pentagon. Steven Spielberg filmed most of _2001_ in there.) <-- as a favor to the new guy, I will put in this arrow as my way of saying "Hey, Josh, watch the serious people patiently explain to me that Steven Spielberg actually filmed _2001_ in a movie studio in London!") -- K. Unlike _2010_, which was filmed in actual outer space by the Voyager 6 probe before it fell into a black hole and went to another galaxy! ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.science From: pherble@cscns.com (Jim "Pherble" Tyler) Subject: Re: Unprotected man in vacuum. What happens? Followup-To: sci.physics,alt.religion.kibology,alt.folklore.science Organization: CNS On-line Services (800-592-1240 customer service) Date: Sat, 21 May 1994 04:56:45 GMT St-Onge Louis (stongel@ERE.UMontreal.CA) wrote: < >(I was told this by one of the generals of NASA while he was showing me < >the zero-gravity chamber in the NASA wing of the Pentagon. Steven < >Spielberg filmed most of _2001_ in there.) <-- as a favor to the new guy, < >I will put in this arrow as my way of saying "Hey, Josh, watch the serious < >people patiently explain to me that Steven Spielberg actually filmed < >_2001_ in a movie studio in London!") < > -- K. < To my knowledge, _2001_ is a Stanley Kubrick movie... Hey! Two hits!. I should try that Science Fiction bait. -- -Pherble- ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.folklore.urban,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: I have sinned. Organization: HappyNet Headquarters Date: Sun, 22 May 1994 09:39:28 GMT In alt.folklore.urban article <2rgksn$hgj@emoryu1.cc.emory.edu>, Malinda McCall wrote: > > I believe that, in three whole posts to AFU, I forgot the cardinal > rule against smileys and emoticons and used some. > [...] > Somewhere, however, Kibo is smiling.... > and it looks like a colon and a close parenthesis only slightly. That's because I'm wearing my EVIL CLOWN MAKEUP as I prepare to go out and TROLL NEWBIES into a GIANT H FIGHT with my good pal STANLEY KUBRICK. > /\_/\ > ( 0.0 ) > > U < My word, that Tie Fighter's open to space at the bottom! Darth's head will explode in the vacuum! He'd better put on a space helmet or something. -- K. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// Date: Sun, 5 May 1996 03:33:00 -0400 From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) To: kibo@world.std.com Subject: Re: seaQuest Funpoll Organization: Kibo's DEC Gamma 350 Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.tv.seaquest,alt.folklore.computers X-Kibo-Machine: Living Room Bottom Right (A copy of this message has also been posted to the following Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.tv.seaquest,alt.folklore.computers) In article , mmcirvin@world.std.com (Matthew J. McIrvin) wrote: >In article , kibo@world.std.com (James >"Kibo" Parry) wrote: > >> [apologies if you've already seen the (cancelled) copy of this I posted >> earlier--the news server ate the only interesting sentence in my post.] > >Your post was CANCELLED???? I thought it was just on HIATUS! It was a HIATUS HERNIA (electric organ music sting). Doctor, will I ever be able to play the piano while watching a new episode of seaQuest DSV again? >> The pilot episode for "Space: 1999: Year 3: The Star Of Science >> Television", by the way, aired on TV in Canada as "The Shape Of Things To >> Come" by Harlan Ellison. I liked where Jack Palance got embarassed because >> his hat was bigger than Barry Morse's whole body. >> >> Matt McIrvin will now untangle the metarefs. > >What metarefs? None of this is true! I think he's MAKING STUFF UP! This >is actually a sly, convoluted reference to seaQuest DSV episode II-39a >(i), "The Thing of Shapes to Come," in which special guests Harlan Ellison >and Yul Brynner play unstoppable killer robots sent through time from 1945 >using the Trinity Site explosion, because they have to tell the seaQuest >to go back to 1941 through a "silver hole" and warn everyone about Pearl >Harbor, only they're really Nazi killer robots that don't want the US to >enter the war and they change history (because the steam-powered hologram, >affectionately named "Blank Reg," tells them where the backup bridge is), >and Lucas has to steal Garrett Graham's Stealth bomber and ride on a giant >tumbling time cookie with Darwin. And then Bob Ballard tells you to write >in if you know the ending, because the story involves... THE TIME ELEMENT. You misspelled "Jeffrey Jones". >> Nor did they have Gypsy driving around in a cool car filled with hundreds >> of ventriloquist dummies shaped like Leslie Nielsen. >> >> MAAAAAATT! > >I refuse to explain this one. Too bad. Too bad. Really too bad. I'll give you a hint. Two words: Panty Cat. >> Oh, come on, he's talented. After all, he wrote "Alien" and "Total >> Recall", and he drew that cool crosshair that shows up in the "Star Wars" >> arcade game from Atari Games Corp. Really, I read it in Forrest Ackerman's >> "Cinefexplosiomonsterminationucleartpuckythemousebeaver". >> >> MAAAAAAAAAAATT!!!! > >This is the firstime I ever heard of Rocknedanobannon's appearance in >Forrackerman's magabookatronifiction. But I suspect you'referring >obliquely to the only seaQuepisode written by Stanislaw Lem, "The >Invincible Krill," in which secret jeangenetexperiments create a race of >microbotoscopic metal krill that attack the seaQuest's bio-armor with a >biocatalytic stream of neutrinos that resurrects the ghost of Bridger's >dead wife and creates an evil simulation of Bridger's brain that they trap >in the Aviary That Neighed, preventing a selenoclasm triggered by a >luminal supercomputer of the 40th binasty at the Highest Possible Level of >Development. It was translated from the original Kirghiz by Ackerman's >wife Wendy Lou with the help of a team of 56 sweatshop workers, a deranged >ex-astronaut, and a wind-up robot named Roderick. This leads to a scene where Roddy McDowall releases himself. > The people of the world >must band together to prevent the outrage of people writing stories about >krill! How finny 'tis beneath the waves. > >> But Roddy McDowall was the best of the three actors who played Dr. Smith. >> >> MAAAAATT!!!! > >You're confusing "Lassie" with Ivan Tors' heartwarming dolphin show, >"Science Fiction Theater." That show was fiction. It did not happen. >Could it have happened? Scientists are working even today to find out. Matt, they FINISHED LAST YEAR. They MATHEMATICALLY ELIMINATED THE POSSIBILITY THAT WE WILL EVER AGAIN HAVE TELEVISION. Get OVER it. >> Michael Ironside, so that I could attach a Silly Straw from the hole in >> his forehead to the hole in Michael O'Hare's forehead and cause Commander >> Riker great confusion. MAAAAAATT!!!!! > >It's a little-known fact that Michael Ironside, Michael O'Hare, and >Jonathan Frakes were conjoined identical triplets. After separation, >they were known as the "Miracle Babies of Pocatello." Since then, >they've had a deep psychic rapport, which convinced O'Hare that he had >a hole in his mind, Frakes that he needed to explore the Paranormal >Borderline, and Ironside that his head was detachable and would fly >off at the slightest touch with the help of an actuating piston. The >deep feeling of isolation that the separation caused in Ironside also >engendered the phrase "There can be only one!" I hear that in next week's episode a Transporter accident merges Bridger and Darwin into Bridwin95, a talking dolphin who keeps calling the writers idiots. >> That mean ol' President Clinton for invading that other country during the >> two-hour premiere episode because he knew we'd all be tuned in that night. > >Just like Nixon used to give the State of the Union address from the >set of "Rowan Atkinson's Bean-In." That wasn't Nixon. It was his dog, Chimpie. >> Claudia Christian. Except I wouldn't give Ed Harris's big "YOU'VE NEVER >> GIVEN UP ON ANYTHING BEFORE IN YOUR LIFE SO LIVE DAMMIT LIVE!!!!!" speech. >> Did you know he once starred in a movie where he drove a talking black >> Trans Am and whipped himself silly? MAAAAAAAAATT!!!! > >"Kitt, I Think we're Trapped under 200 Tons of Cosmetic Lava! The Coastal >Cities must be Flooded in the Extra Long Version to create a Born-Again >Earth! Failure is not an option! No boom today! Boom tomorrow!" You missed my point. I was alluding to the fact that Ed Bishop changed his name to Ed Harris after he did that puppet show for that British guy, Stanley Kubrick. (This is obviously a troll because all UFO and Captain Scarlet fans know that Ed Bishop could not ever have had a role in '2001', the first movie to actually be filmed outside our galaxy.) >"Michael, if we charge $25 admission to King Richard's Faire and then beg >for tips, maybe we can buy the day-care center back from the evil >landlord!" > >Next week on JAG:seaQuest, The Next Generation! 34% new footage! What I like about JAG and JAG II is the way the file has four times the original resolution after I double-click on the little cheetah. <--- (DON'T LOOK AT THE RAY DREAM INCORPORATED PRODUCT PLACEMENT!!!!) >> When Lucas smashed the sticks that powered the giant cardboard computer >> that he was madly in love with after it caused them to change the future >> which destroyed the past because they had gone through the underwater >> black hole to a world where giant robots have destroyed civilization >> because people used virtual reality instead of having sex. Matt will >> present a certificate of authenticity that this was an actual episode. > >In[4]:= PrimeQCertificate[23985493919990351] > >Out[4]:= {43523, 67, {32321, 2, 3, {47}}, {7, {{{3, 2, 3}, 3, 2, 5}}, 5}, > 644, 3, 3, 721}}}}}}}}}}, 3, 2}}}, 2}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} > >THIS IS THE MOST OBSCURE JOKE IN THIS WHOLE POST. Stop using wimpy programming languages and move up to something with POWER: Pong(R) Game (Ball & Paddle) 1 Hor1 <- Hor1 + Key 2 Hor2 <- Hor2 + 8 3 Ver2 <- Ver2 - 3 4 If Hit Then Ver 2 <- 99, Note <- 7 5 Goto 1 The first person to port this to the BeBox will win a special prize. (It should be easy: each of the two processors can control one of the only two pixels in the graphics window.) As to what OS this was originally written for, I'll just mention that to program in BASIC, you had to unplug the joystick to plug in the twelve-button keypad. It could store up to nine lines of code. -- K. P.S. I'm posting this through Game*Line, with the joystick. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// [1991-era fragment from "Spot In Space", filmed by Kubrick] Spot woke up in a Howard Johnson's hotel. There was a big black monolith towering over him! It was making weird noises like Enya played backwards. He reached out to touch the slab, and... it fell on him. Then Time went into an endless loop, and it all happened again, including the part where Spot's lungs turned inside out. The laws of physics were so unfair to Spot! He cried as his life flashed behind his eyes, forever. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Stanley Kubrick's "A Kibological Orange" (part 2) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1999 02:23:51 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Part two of my tribute to the late Stanley Kubrick. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.food.taco-bell From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Tubby Sponges Date: Sun, 10 May 1998 08:07:01 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 8162 centons, 89 microns, .02 abians Organization: welcome datacomp moe@Radix.Net (Ted Frank) wrote: > > [rant about bad movies deleted] > > Which brings me to Bulworth. > > They put the utterly grotesque Bulworth logo on the Beverly Center the > other week; I commented to Kia upon its ugliness. Yeah, the Beverly Center is pretty ugly. Especially when Anne Heche is standing in front of it (to lay the charges that explode the nonexistent building across the street so that the little boy can stand under it crying and the girl sees him and runs over and grabs him and then they both stand there crying and Tommy Lee "Interchangeable With Harrison Ford" Jones sees the building falling on them and he runs over and grabs them and then they all stand there like idiots and the building falls on them and they're all okay but at least he kept them from getting dusty, and then Anne Heche's face pops up center screen again and the screen cracks. I'll confess: I didn't feel one way or another about Ellen DeGeneres, funny standup comedian trapped on an unfunny sitcom, until she announced she was a lesbian. Then I realized I had a mild case of the hots for her. Then I found out she's dating Anne Heche, and now I can't stand either of them because Ellen obviously only dates ugly people. And she's a lesbian. So the second part would keep her from dating me. > K: "What *is* Bulworth?" > T: "It's a movie about an aging senator who becomes a rap star." > K: "Stop trolling me." > T: "No, really, it's a movie designed to alienate as many people as > possible. That was Roger Ebert's theory regarding "Frozen Assets", the _other_, _worse_ sperm-bank comedy film that came out as the same time as Ted Danson's/Whoopi Goldberg's awful sperm-bank comedy. "Frozen Assets", starring Corbin Bernsen as a sleazy executive at a sperrrrm bank, only he doesn't know it's a sperrrrrrm bank, is a movie you could only enjoy if you simply giggle every time you hear the word "sperrrrrrrrrrm". So as Ebert pointed out, it would appear to those six-year-olds who can sit through tedious movies about bank embezllers. My personal favorite movie with no possible audience segment is "Bugsy Malone", the all-singing all-dancing Mafia musical... with an all-pre-teen cast (led by Scott Baio!) The kids drive around in miniature Depression-era cars powered by pedals, and they have these "splurge guns" that shoot white glop at each other, and then it harden and turns them into mummies. No grownup could POSSIBLY watch this movie. No child could POSSIBLY sit through it. That's how my movie ratings system works: **** -- Everyone will like it, except for a few cranks. "Citizen Kane", etc. *** -- It's likely that a normal person will like it. This is as good as Star Trek or James Bond films can get. ** -- Bad, but there are a few slow people who will enjoy it. "Waterworld". * -- Nobody could POSSIBLY enjoy it. I.e. "Tank Girl". And the second axis is the little nuclear bomb icon, for those special movies we talk about on a.r.k: (boom)(boom)(boom) -- Everyone, even people who don't "get" irony, will laugh at the unintentional humor. I.e. "Plan 9 From Outer Space". (boom)(boom) -- Any astute movie fan with a functional sense of humor will giggle constantly for ninety minutes. "Star Trek 5". (boom) -- Serious devotees of bad films will find something to make fun of in the background of one scene. So we have an intentional entertainment axis and an unintentional entertainment axis. A movie that gets one star and no bomb is "nobody will like this under any circumstances". The best cases, of course, are four stars and no bombs, or one star and three bombs. Unfortunately, there do not seem to be any cases of four-star films getting multiple bombs. It would be great if Stanley Kubrick would hit his head on the camera crane and make a four-star-three-bomb-stravagza. > Any of the baby boomers are going to want to avoid it because > of the horrid urban soundtrack. And if Warren Beatty couldn't bring in > the youth crowd when he was shtupping Madonna, he isn't going to do it by > pretending to rap." > K: "Stop trolling me." > > Beatty is associated with "Ishtar," which is unfairly regarded as a > horrible movie. It was certainly an overexpensive and not especially > good tribute to the Hope-Crosby "Road" movies, Wouldn't a really bad movie be the PROPER tribute to the lame Bob Hope canon? Ever TRIED to watch a Bob Hope movie? I recommend starting with "Boy, Did I Get A Wrong Number!", one of the few that at least gets a bomb. For Phyllis Diller's inept attempts at overacting, and of course my favorite, the "PULL ROPE TO DROP WALLS" scene. > but it wasn't "The > Postman" by any stretch of the imagination. But one of the things most > notable about it was how *bad* Hoffman and Beatty were in singing. So > why a movie featuring Beatty doing nothing but? In a leftist political > satire, no less? Okay. Suppose Kevin Costner as The Postman sang. What would he sing, and what would the title be? "THE POSTMAN ALWAYS SINGS TWICE" comes to mind, but it would need a subtitle to make it extra-serious: "A SERIOUS MOTION PICTURE EXPERIENCE". > I can't imagine this movie being anything less than a disaster. When the > comment of Dr. Gates -- who, as a liberal African-American intellectual > of a certain age, is almost certainly the ideal demographic -- is > that Beatty "sounds more like Dr. Seuss than Dr. Dre'," the writing is on > the wall. > > Then again, a studio executive that would commit $30 million on the > cliche' "Man with life insurance policy puts contract out on self, then > changes mind" deserves whatever they get. I sense a Fox sitcom pilot in the works. Every week, a different inept hitman would try to kill C. Thomas Howell, and every week he'd ineptly avoid the inept hitmen with the help of C. C. H. Pounder as a mysterious FBI agent! > With Costner, at least, you > salve his ego, and he might give you another "Dances With Wolves" down > the line, so you blow the money on the sure-fire bomb. But Beatty? Well, you could at least get another "Dick Tracy". You know, the movie where every five minutes they stopped the film and a Disney executive came out and said "HEY, DID YOU HEAR THERE ARE ONLY SEVEN COLORS IN HERE YET?" for a total of sixteen times during the film. And, of course, I spent the whole time just sitting there shouting "That stripe on his necktie's yellowish-orange! His shoes are a different brown! The cardboard sky has a gradient painted on it!" > The sad thing is that if a right-wing Hollywooder -- Stallone or Heston, > say -- pulled nonsense like this, they'd be ridiculed. Cf. the Rambo > movies, one of which bothered to be a moderately entertaining example of > the comic-book-action-movie genre. But because Beatty's movie pushes the > politically correct buttons, it's getting press for its "intellectual > subtlety" for its pious wrongheaded platitudes, just as the mildly > humorous but heavyhanded "Bob Roberts" was lionized for "biting satire." > And when "Bulworth" fails, it will be because it was "ahead of its time," > rather than because audiences didn't buy the malarkey. So how about if a Scientologist, say John Travolta, were to make a wacky comedy about a bumbling, boozing, womanizing President, who had Clinton hair and talked like Clinton and slept with Gennifer Flowers, what would happen then? I think that would be a good idea for a movie, but only if Clinton and Travolta got into that face-changing machine from "Face/Off" so that Clinton could infiltrate the Church of Scientology and blow away L. Ron Hubbard (Rutger Hauer). > Don't buy into the hype. Start making fun of "Bulworth" today. I like the way Beatty mumbles all his lines unintelligibly. And hey, it's a comedy about a total idiot that nobody realizes is a total idiot! You know, like "The Cable Guy". > NOT FUNNY: Bulworth. > STILL NOT FUNNY: Bulworth the Clown. > FUNNY: Bulworth the Clown the Clown. DEFINITELY NOT FUNNY: "The Cable Guy the Clown the Clown the Clown the Clown." > -- T. > Now, if they had given Beatty > a bright yellow raincoat, and had > him solving crimes, *then* you might > have something. If he has a wacky > next-door neighbor. And a tar pit in his living room, and stock footage of a chimp blowing a raspberry. And Fred Williard would play himself. -- K. Ah, Fred Williard, he classes up any sitcom. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Infomercials (was Re: Beable.) Date: Sun, 24 May 1998 05:34:33 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 7002 centons, 63 microns, .05 lenorts Organization: welcome datacomp Arab Network America (tagutcow@nr.infi.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > Press Your Luck. Watch the early episodes where the board is > > completely non-random, [...] then they yanked the show off the air > > and bought a random number generator. > > Saddest, Most Shameful Confession: > When I was a little kid, I submitted my drawing of a Whammy for > publication in the "Our Pages" section of Highlights magazine[1]. Or maybe > it was a drawing of the 'Noid. In either case, it never got published. If > it had been, it would have undoubtedly been printed at such a scale that > you would be unable to tell what it was anyway. Send me a drawing of a Whammy and I *promise* I'll print it in a forthcoming alt.religion.kibology anthology REALLY BIG. > The first time I ever appeared in print was when I was 12. You were a semicolon. Later on you got promoted to full colon. Then, disaster struck: the guy who was the 78th "e" on page 91 got sick and you filled in for him... unfortunately, you got into the wrong position and "quite" became "quiet", and the soldier reading the instructions saw that the grenades were quiet explosive, so he held one up to his ear, and that's why they cancelled the Beetle Bailey strip after that solid red panel in the last one. > My older brother what lives in New York submitted a cartoon of mine to the > Yankee Trader where it was published as the "Picture of the Week" in the > Kids' Stuff section (I was probably pushing the age limit for Kids' Stuff.) Yep, you were at that awkward age -- too old to have your drawings printed on the kiddie page but still too young to see Kubrick's "Lolita". I think everything should be clearly marked JUST FOR KIDZ! or ADULTS ONLY! so that teenagers will be forced to spend several years staring at the wall in an empty room until they decide whether they're still kids or have grown up. ALSO ONLY SENIOR CITIZENS WILL BE ALLOWED TO LISTEN TO RAP MUSIC!!! Know what's gonna be sad? Around 2050 there will be all these elderly people listening to rap music. > It depicted a mime doing a "glass box" routine on a stage in front of a row > of docile prisoners (just seen as backs of heads,) with a poster reading > "Sanford Prison Presents: Gwendilin (sic) the Mime. 8:30, Entertainment > Tonite!" taped up onto the bleak cinderblock backdrop. Seinfeld stole my > idea... and really squandered it! I've often wondered how smart mimes can be if they keep getting trapped in their own boxes. And why don't they put some big yellow safety dots on the invisible boxes like they do with supermarket doors to keep birds from flying through the supermarket? Mimes are uncreative anyway. Did you ever see one get trapped in an invisible toaster or an invisible newspaper recycling plant or an invisible hemorrhoid doughnut? Oh, no. They'd NEVER leave the saefty of their NORMAL, PREDICTABLE INVISIBLE RECTANGULAR HEXAHEDRON. Just once I'd like to see a mime trapped in any other regular polyhedron! The rhombic tricontahedron! The great stellated icosahedron! The snub dodecahedron! But nooooo, mimes can only get themselves out of rectangular boxes after the show's over. Every time they try miming from inside a truncated tetrahedron, they die of PRETEND SUFFOCATION. > The attribution to the POTW claims I'm from "Poquott"; a city I've never > heard of anywhere else. I think you labelled it "ttonbod" and they read it upside down. "ttonbod", of course, is short for "tattoo on body". You see, Gwendilin the mime was PRETENDING SHE HAD A TATTOO!!! BTW, "Gwendilin" is a very good Dungeons & Dragons name for a half-elf level 7 mime. > > *MY* favorites are Magnificent Marble Machine (especially the > > episode where the guy splits his pants, and the episode where > > the ball breaks in half) [...] > > But Kibo, those are *everybody's* favorite episodes. Then why didn't "Seinfeld" end like we all wanted, by having Jerry Seinfeld spin the big wheel to see what he'd win if he got all three digits in the price of the dinette set in the right order? 0 1 9 Remember, there are six possibilities! > [1] Speaking of Highlights, there was a Timbertons cartoon where the kids > are looking forlorn out the window, expressing sadness that they are > unable to go outside because it is snowing. Then the dad says something to > the effect of "Don't worry, even though it's snowing outside, there are > still plenty of fun things we could do *IN*side." Like read "Highlights For Children"! "We love reading about Goofus & Gallant, Pop!" GOOFUS doesn't read "Goofus & Gallant". GALLANT reads "Goofus & Gallant"! GOOFUS sneezes. GALLANT never sneezes! GOOFUS never eats vegetables. GALLANT only eats vegetables! GOOFUS watches TV. GALLANT never watches TV, except for "The Highlights Power Hour"! GOOFUS loses all his money in Vegas. GALLANT wins lots of money in Vegas! > By the time we get to the final panel, the children are agreeing with > The Old Man that- yes- even if it's snowing ouside[2], there are still > plenty of fun things to do inside. Macrame! Making a crystal radio! Learning how to use a goniometer to determine the crystal structure of plagioclase! Getting trapped in an invisible plagoclase crystal! > I remember being confused about this as a child; as an adult I am still > unsure if this avoidance of snow is supposed to reflect some greater human > truth in the mind of the author or if we're just supposed to sympathize > with the way the Timbertons find strength in family when something like a > snowfall- mundane as it is to us- is a matter of life and death to a > family made of untreated wood. > > [2] "*What's* snowing outside?" Of couse, if we were speaking Nootka, we > would be asking that about just about every sentence... or wouldn't be. > Much like one spoken of in Tlšn Uqbar (although I doubt Borges knew of the > actual existance of such a language, or else he wouldn't have described it > as being a language in an imaginary world,) the language spoken by the > American Indians on Vancouver Island has no nouns per se; everything is > instead spoken of as a happening or a duration. My sister and I have been > racking our brains to come up with the word for words like "drawing", > "being", "gosling", and "happening"- words in English where a similar > principle is at work- to no avail. I prefer languages without any syntax. You know, like TV Newscaster English Of The Future. > Find the pedantic paragraph in this post(ing) and wind BIG MONEY! You know, "gerund" comes from the Latin words "geriatric", "underwear", and "goniometer". -- K. When I was a kid I had a goniometer. I was the only one. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.wired,alt.society.generation-x.ls-bumgarner From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Kibological Web Pages X-Hello-To: Archimedes Plutonium Date: Wed, 24 Jun 1998 03:05:03 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 4721 centons, 63 microns, .02 rouettes Organization: welcome datacomp Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In alt.religion.kibology, alt.wired, and alt.society.generation-x.ls-bumgarner [gee, Lee, if that newsgroup name were any longer it would be TOO LONG.] in article , [Lee, your Message-ID's so wide that it makes Kubrick films look like the secret-camera view of your bedroom through the slots in your electrical outlet.] Shelton Garner (lee_s_bumgarner@yahoo.com) wrote: > > Dean Lenort (dean.lenort@att.net) wrote: > > > > I think of it as the Lee Bumgarner of Kibological web pages. I mean to add > > a really long message ID at some point in the future. Which leads me to > > wonder, would a link to Lee's page be appropriate? > > Stop using using me as a meme! I'll, like, mutate and stuff. I hear that in Spanish, "nova" means "Send beer pull-tabs to Procter & Gamble to raise money to save Lee Bumgarner from skin suffocation." PLEASE FAX THIS TO EVERYONE IN THE WHOLE WORLD. THIS IS COMPLETELY LEGAL AS LONG AS YOU FAX IT WITHIN 24 HOURS. > Besides, if I ever get around to writing (er begging for the chance to > do it) my daily online column for the paper, you'll be able to link to THAT! I didn't realize that The Electric Company magazine had gone daily. Why does it have to be a daily column if it's on the Web? You could just put up one and leave it there for two or three years. In fact, you could leave your page blank for years, and nobody would be mad provided you're polite enough to put up a big "UNDER CONSTRUCTION" animated logo in place of any actual content. People like those better than stuff. -- K. I like stuff better than people. P.S. When I was typing "kibology" my right hand slipped off the home row and it came out "kinolohu". That's almost as dumb a name as "Diamond Head". ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: If I Controlled TV Date: Fri, 7 Aug 1998 21:42:12 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 6743 centons, 90 microns, .01 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > If I controlled TV there would be many changes. Here are a few. > > 1) The GIJOE station. It'll run all the GIJOE cartoons most of the time. On > Sundays it will run the crappy 'Extreme GIJOE' series so drunk people can make > fun of it. When it is not showing cartoons, it will have cool looking people > sitting in warehouses discussing GIJOE and creating elaborate scenes with gobs > and gobs of Joe toys. They'll set up Joe action figures too and they won't use > those stupid platforms. They'll get the Joes to stand on their own two feet, > dammit. > [...] > 5) The few stations that I allow to be normal will be interupted about once a > day with ten minute montages of Green Beret soldiers, suited up and ready for > action. But they'll be swinging on swings. So you're saying that the G. I. Joe cartoons have action in them other than the two-dimensional action figures sitting on things while the camera rocks back and forth mechanically to make them look like they're swinging? You, sir or madam, have a lot of growing up to do. BARBIE CAN KICK G. I. JOE'S BUTT ANY DAY 'CAUSE BARBIE IS AVAILABLE IN A MILITARY UNIFORM *OR* A DRESS SO SHE'S TWICE AS VERSATILE AS G. I. JOE! ALSO IT'S A LOT HARDER TO GET HER CLOTHES BACK ON WHICH PROVES HER BODY IS MORE MUSCULAR! -- K. I'm hoping that Stanley Kubrick will make a war movie where Lots42, played by Tony Curtis, is searching the battlefield rubble and he finds these two tiny dog tags and bursts into tears and says, "I love you, G. I. Joe!" And then they'd show women wearing Hajime Sorayama's Roman centurion outfit playing on swings for three hours. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: AOL in my Chex cereal! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology, alt.cereal Date: Thu, 17 Jul 1997 18:14:09 GMT Lance Olkovick (lolkovic@sfu.ca) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > In [news.admin.net-abuse.usenet/email], chris@greenapple.com wrote: > > > > > > AOL has a rather interesting new marketing tool -I found a CD in > > > the box of Corn Chex that I purchased today! > > What were they thinking?! That could be dangerous! If I were you, I'd > swallow the CD whole, then I'd SUE THE BASTARDS! (AOL, that is; don't > sue General Mills, the makers of Chex, CDs, and other fine breakfast > products.) But first use a magic marker to color the edges of your stomach green to make it digest the CD faster. That's all those speedy new 2X CD-ROM players are... 1X ones with a GREEN MARKER ATTACHED TO THE SPINDLE! > > That's nothing. I found a Cheerio in the box of Super Golden Frosted CDs I > > was eating for dinner at midnight while watching NBC's "seaQuest DSV" > > today. > > Cheerios is also made by General Mills. Kibo should SUE THE BASTARDS! General Mills vs. General Electric vs. General Semantics in a no-holds-barred JELL-O WRESTLING MATCH, sponsored by ROYAL GELATIN! > (NBC, that is, for reckless indifference: if they were at all > sensitive to their viewer's needs they'd know that, since Kibo lost > his job, SeaQuest should be on twenty-four hours a day, not just at > midnight on weekdays.) I haven't lost it *yet*. They just gave me three months advance notice that I was being laid off to ensure that I would dedicate the remaining three months to working really hard. La la la la. I'm posting to Usenet. La la la la la la la. I need to announce the BIG SURPRISE PARTY (surprise to my office-mates, that is) here soon. > > > This is slick - the CD has their software plus 50 free hours of > > > usage. Included on the CD is a children's game called CHEX QUEST > > > (think DOOM for five-year-olds). You can kill the Flemoids and > > > have a healthy breakfast, too. > > > > It's only healthy if you spend your whole morning killing Flemoids so that > > you don't have time to eat the little Brillo bricks that Chex calls > > "cereal". > > Chex are fine as long as you put enough icing sugar on them -- at > least 1 tablespoon per Chek. Do NOT buy something called Ancient > Grains. It's made from grains that have not been used since the > beginning of the Neolithic -- and for good reason: Could be worse. Could be the Coprolithic. Could be the beginning of Beethoven's First Coprolithic Movement. > it tastes how I > imagine unsweetened flakes of particle board would taste, and it can Ah, Quaker Corn Bran. Not to mention their new Burlap Bran and Horse Hair Bran. > have very untoward effects on one's gastrointestinal tract. Believe > me, to eat Ancient Grains you pretty well need the ancient bowels that > our ancestors had. Brings a new meaning to the phrase "Serving size: 1 bowel". For those of us in Boston, how about candlepin boweling? That would be worse because the Ancient Grains would still scrape your intestinal lining off but also you'd never get a strike. > > Besides, I always thought Doom *was* for five-year-olds! > > > > > The game "contains technology licensed from ID Software", > > > according to the package, and Quest II is available free at > > > http://www.chexquest.com > > > > The pictures of the hero, "Chexster", are truly terrifying. > > Chexster is played by Arnold Schwarzenegger, though it's hard to > recognize him in that costume. Yeah, but who plays Arnold? C. C. H. Pounder!!! > > Folks, *THIS* is the sort of picture the alt.religion.kibology anthologies > > need more of before they can be put to bed. > > > That web site is truly precious. I quote from the "Character Biographies" page: > > > THE INTERGALACTIC FEDERATION OF CEREALS (IFC) > > The Intergalactic Federation of Cereals (IFC) was created following the > > Cold (Cereal) Wars in the early part of the 2nd millenium. With the > > exception of occasional skirmishes along several deep space quadrants, > > peace and free trade has prevailed throughout the modern universe. > > Today the IFC is led by its Senior Cereal Council, which is responsible > > for security, planetoid grievances and astro-blobule warnings. > > There'll be hell to pay when the Klingons find out that the Federation > is now allied with an intergalactic cereal manufacturer. No, no, no. You were supposed to be Ted Frank and you were supposed to cross-post this to soc.org.fraternities and say the IFC was a bunch of losers who can't beat a five-year-old at Doom. > There'll also be hell to pay when General Mills reads Kibo's post. I > guess Kibo didn't read the > > ********************************************************************** > Legal Stuff > > In order to use this site, you must first agree to these ground rules. > > > General Mills laid out some hard cash to bring you this awesome site, > download an e-copy of the materials on any single computer for your > personal, non-commercial home use, but remember to keep the copyright > notice ((c)1996 General Mills). Modification of the materials on this > site or use of the materials for any other purpose is a violation of > ********************************************************************** Note that, in this encoding, a triple quote would be \666. He said, "She told me, 'Why did you say '''this is confoozling?''' ' " > Haw, haw. Kibo is in big trouble now. He posted sooper sekrit stuff > from General Mills' site. Haw, haw. Haw, haw.... D'OH! It's not SOOPER SEKRIT. It's SEEREUL SEKRIT. SOOPER SEKRIT would be the reason why all the little "T"s in the can of Campbell's Alphabet Soup get broken but the "H"s don't. Not even the GIANT Hs! Whereas, Alpha-Bits has a different letter distribution. As I told you all back around 1992. When the mouse was living in my stove. > > > And you all thought that the free AOL floppies were a thing of > > > the past......... > > > > Free? Some people bought a whole box of cereal just to get one! > > I just bought a dumpster-size box of Kellogg's Corn Flakes because it > had a 3D Batman flicker stuck to it. I haven't seen the latest Batman > movie and I don't particularly like the cereal box picture but, hey, > it's THREE DEE!!! If you had a third eye you could see in FOUR DEE. And if you had a Super Nintendo you could see TWO AND A HALF DEE, in which everything is an INFINITELY COMPLEX FRACTAL MOUNTAIN made of BURLAP BRAN! [Wesley's mom got sucked into her son's cereal vortex.] "Computer, what is the nature of the Universe?" "The Universe is an infinitely complex fractal mountain seventy-two meters in diameter, filled with burlap bran." "I SEE... TWO... DOTS!" > Here's a 3D representation of the *new* KIBO cereal: > (to see 3D, focus beyond the screen till the 2 crosses merge) > > > > + + > $ :) * * $ :) * * > K I B O K I B O > * :) $ * :) $ Matt McIrvin will now do a 3-D version of the Indent-O-Meter that measures your screen's depth of field. (After all, there has to be SOME reason I'm using RenderMan as a news reader.) > See how KIBO floats above the marshmallow stars, smilies, and dollar > signs? It's just like the real-life Kibo. Notice how KIBO is at the > same level as the cross: KIBO even has theological implications, just > like the summer blockbuster movie _Contact_. But unlike _Contact_, > KIBO doesn't get soggy in milk. We don't know if Contact gets soggy in milk. But we can infer this because it gets crispy in anti-milk. As Democritus of Alexandria said while looking at the ancient heavens... (Kibo turns into Carl Sagan and dies. Then he gets better.) That was a close call! (feels his head to make sure it's not butt-shaped.) I almost became Carl Sagan, noted astrologer! > -- > Lance (A close personal friend of Admiral Wheet) > > > CONTACT CONTACT > + + > . . . . > * * . * * . > * . * . > . * * . * * > . . . . > . * * . * * The only way to decode this message is to hold it so that all the dots and stars line up in a straight line. Then it will spell out "______________________", and Charles Nelson Reilly will say: "WEE-WEE... IN SPACE!" And then Gene Rayburn will laugh, and then that strange ridge across his forehead will have a thought, and he'll pick up a big bone and throw it into the air. And Slim Pickens will be riding on that bone, waving his hat and screaming "YEEEEEEEE-HAW! YEEEEEEEEE-HAW! I SEE TWO DOTS! I WET 'EM! WEEEEEEEEE-WEE!" And then every member of the audience will drop dead, and Stanley Kubrick will go to a long, narrow white plastic jail with geometric furniture and people who do not display facial expressions. -- K. Displaying a facial explosion. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Stanley Kubrick's "A Kibological Orange" (part 3) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1999 02:34:03 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Part three of my tribute to the late Stanley Kubrick. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Our Boston Public Library is an urban public library X-Kibo-Equipment: a distributed Lego robot (distributed by accident) Date: Fri, 27 Jun 1997 01:57:45 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 7748 centons, 83 microns, .01 hrothgars Organization: welcome datacomp tanner@aros.net (Stephen Tanner) wrote: > > Don "Dan Sale" Saklad is the bane of librarians everywhere. He goes > to the Listening Resource Center and asks for the new Beck CD. Then > he goes to a viewing carrel and goes "UNNNH! YEAH! OHHHH, BABY!" > while watching one of those documentaries about how they film nature > documentaries in Norway. And then he takes reference books and writes > "Turn to page 52", and then on page 52 it says "Turn to page 353", and > then twenty steps later it says "YOU SHOULD BE STUDYING YOU LOOSER!!" > And he keeps asking John Cleese for books by Charles Dikkens. I keep asking for "Stanley Kubrick's Clockwork Orange" and they patiently explain to me that Anthony Burgess wrote "A Clockwork Orange", and then I tell them that no, he was the original Penguin on "Batman", before Pat Morita. PERSONAL PLEA: IF ANYONE HAS A PAPERBACK COPY OF "STANLEY KURBICK'S CLOCKWORK ORANGE" -- THE BOOK WHICH EXPLAINS THAT MALCOLM McDOWELL IS SUCH A BOZO THAT HE ONLY KNEW THE WORDS TO ONE SONG -- I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR ONE FOR YEARS. > And he hides the books on Scientology, and takes all the art history > books with pictures of Rubenesque women, (very high register) Wouldn't it be funny if there were a nuuuude in there! > and as he walks by the > checkout spot, he holds the books high above the sensors, Aaaaaah! Burlap sensorrrrs! > pretending > to wave to friends he doesn't have, so he can steal them. Also he > steals the compilations of "Bringing up Father" to stare at the > daughter, and "Terry and the Pirates" to stare at the Dragon Lady, and > GOD ONLY KNOWS what he's doing with "Beatle Bailey". DON' TOUCH ME YOU NOT!!!! AUUUUGH!!! GIMME BACK MY SHOE YOU CRUDDY SHOE FEEF!!! > And he leaves > the xerox machine set on large-size paper extra-dark enlarge. And > then he plays Pac-Man and only gets 9550 points. I once played it for 30 points. I was trying for zero but my hand slipped. This was back when all the GOOD arcades charged fifty cents a play because they were on the carny midway where the classy folk hung out. > And then he won't > leave the BYU library, even after they play the Hawaii Five-O > theme.[1] Well, if they play cool music like that, I wouldn't leave, either! > And then he refers to Lee Bumgarner as "Lee BUMBGARNER!" HAW HAW! > BUMBGARNER! First the hazing and pinning incidents, now THIS! TEN SIXTY SIX! THE BATTLE OF HASTINGS! THE ONNNNNLY INNNNTERESTING PERIOD IN HISTORY! IN THE OLDEN DAYS, RUFFIANS WOULD STEAL FROM BARRELS BY REEEEMOVING THE STAAAAAVES!! AHHHHH!!!! > [1] Yes, they really do this at closing time. Some people dace out > the door. Especially Charles Michael Brussel Sprouts Rotten Broughton The Third! -- K. MATT McIRVIN WILL NOW CORRECT THE REFERENCE WHICH IS SO OBSCURE ONLY HE CAN GET IT, THEREFORE RUINING HIS FEEBLE ENJOYMENT OF MY WONDERWIT. [ TWIRLS AND TURNS INTO BURLAP ] ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The Real Power Behind the Spice Girls X-Face: #9X??|`^7WQfZ8($}W*j^9Wh]BQw>}cl)6uV7bsgTDL$DMg94%y44a;}[*Xu^ P%e)4sGfrc<0=.X{Bz<\,$4NHR.iQTeT>*'kX;`UIZ5O"1\(6-rYLBED)Kbo^k,N[\)W ?,;Ri(JPWQBJ&QCbPGT)tpoM8VluZZL3=wLv%;:l/B.]6m/uX_2"vQ$fExS>|@`Ln8a9 !h > jaffo@onramp.net (Jaffo) wrote thus: > > > > The story of the Spice Girls is a story of SUPERIOR MARKETING. Marketing > > is a word I'm learning a lot about it school these days, and the more I > > learn, the funnier it gets. > > Oh gawd. Maybe we should put Jaffo and Bumgarner in a jar and see if they > fight. And shake it! After filling it with Orbitz! And Zima! And Mentos! And DOG DIRT FROM THE SEVENTIES! > J: Marketing that's all it is! > L: Yeah. Spice girls aren't real > J: I bet that "sporty spice" isn't even her REAL NAME. > L: *snicker* Even the drum machine sucks. > J: Not like the Monkees drum machine. Now THERE was a drum machine with > talent! > L: WHAT! THE MONKEES DIDN'T PLAY THEIR OWN INSTRUMENTS??? MY WHOLE WORLD > IS CRUMBLING > > Kibo walks onstage and says "WEBTV users are stoopid." Cut to a WebTV user typing on a giant keyboard. He falls in and drowns! Gilbert Mark Stewart, wearing a hat with a revolving Mensa neon sign: "It's funny because it's TOO BIG!" Marmaduke enters and bites him. They chase each other around a desk at double speed while wacky music plays. Pull back to reveal they are also in a jar. A hand reaches down and shakes it. When the picture stops shaking, Gilbert's head and Marmaduke's have switched! Marmaduke: Now I am going to forget how to compute cosines. Gilbert: It's funny because he's deadpan! Al Gore: That is true. That is very true. True... true... true. Gilbert: That's not funny. Al Gore: But I'm deadpan! Gilbert: It was a typo. You're actually BEDPAN! Fifty tons of poo-poo from the seventies, covered in Ricky Tickie Stickies, falls on them. Fade to brown. FORGET BLACK!!! EVERYTHING BROWN!!!! > --Maelspice > > L: > "Soon I too will know how to do that cool status bar scrolling thing, > and then I will be able to hire myself out as a professional web > designer and make my fortune! Hahahahaha!!!!" > nja@le.ac.uk (A.J. Norman) Hello, I am a professional lava lamp designer. I will come over and arrange the blobs inside your lava lamp into a more pleasing shape. Asymmetrical yet with a dynamic balance much as Kubrick would. For this service, I ask only for my enormous fee. NOW I AM RICH ENOUGH TO BUY A GIANT JAR!!! -- K. I wish someone would punch air holes in my giant brain. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: question authority Date: Fri, 31 Oct 1997 06:41:59 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1023 centons, 97 microns, .01 woxwox Organization: welcome datacomp In soc.libraries.talk, Bob Jones wrote: > > Don Saklad wrote: > > > > The priesthood of library leadership, the old boy or the old girl > > network all refer to the outdated topheavy hierarchic organization > > of many urban public libraries. In with the new forms of > > participatory organization development. > > > > It begins with an open administrative communications program. > > Demand your urban public library open its validly public long > > range planning reports and related information, read the studies > > comment, ask questions and submit suggestions. > > Don: > > So just what is it you think they are hiding from you that affects your > use of library materials and services? You may have valid concerns, but > in your postings here you come off as (check all that apply): > > Paranoid I was going to go to the library's "event" on Monday evening and spy on Mr. Saklad with my little digital camcorder, but I won't be able to go because I'll be tied up at the "research lab". Could someone else please go in my place and discreetly spy on Mr. Saklad and take notes on everything he does all day, so that we can find out if he's paranoid? Remember, I will NOT be at the library's "event", and I will not be the guy with the Abraham Lincoln beard. And it is NOT a disguise. > Busybody Also after the library "event" that I can't go to, I'm going to go around spray-painting my "TOYNBEE IDEAS USED TO RESURRECT DEAD ON PLANET JUPITER IN KUBRICK'S '2001'" stencil in the middle of four-way intersections all over Boston. I don't have time to talk about this any further as I've got to go count the number of Green Line trains leaving Park Street per hour while wearing my inconspicuous army fatigues and shooter's jacket. > Subscriber to conspiracy theories regarding: > > Death of JFK > Roswell incident > Alien abductions > What really happened at Chappaquiddick Hey, three of those are the same thing! > Jilted boyfriend of pretty library school student circa 1963 > > Someone who needs an extended vacation far from Boston > > Try this, Don. Go sit on the banks of Walden Pond for an afternoon, > down by the site of Thoreau's house, where you can't see the building at > the other end of the pond. Watch the water and the autumn leaves, let > yourself unwind and focus on peaceful thoughts. Do not allow images of > BPL to enter your mind. Take a nap. Read "Walden." Relax. Resolve to > never let the internal politics of BPL upset you again... I tried to read "Walden" but they told me my card doesn't let me take out grownup books! And they have turnstiles to make you go out IN THE DIRECTION THEY WANT YOU TO! And they issue IDENTIFICATION CARDS JUST LIKE HILLARY CLINTON!!! BURN THE BPL AND ITS FASCIST DOORLESS BATHROOM STALLS!! -- K. Also I tried to buy a copy of "Walden" at Waldenbooks but they'd never heard of it, and so I just bought some X-Files word search puzzle books. But then I peeked at the answers and they weren't so much fun after all. THE END. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.med.equipment,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Can you help me find a straight jacket? Organization: HappyNet Headquarters Date: Tue, 20 Sep 1994 07:18:41 GMT In article , Rob Logie wrote: > nuke@netcom.com (Bill Newcomb) writes: > >In article <350bcu$spu@nyx.cs.du.edu>, > >Chester Howes wrote: > >>My sister is working with a little theater group back home that's going to > >>do a production of "Cuckoo(sp?)'s Egg. They'd like some real hospital > >>restraints and a straight jacket for it. Can anyone give me a source for > >>some used yet servicable equipment at low prices? > > >I didn't know Stoll's book had any bondage scenes... > > Having been fortunate enough to meet Cliff Stoll, I > think I know what the straight jacket is for |-). > That whould be the only way to keep him still. ! It wouldn't keep him still, just keep him from typing too fast. To keep him *still* you'd want to encase him completely in plaster like the guy in Kurt Vonnegut's book "Catch-22", which was filmed as Stanley Kubrick's "Blade Runner". -- K. Oh, did you say "Cliff Stoll" or "Let's post a troll"? ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// From: silber@theory.tc.cornell.edu (Jeffrey Silber) ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.med.equipment,alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: Can you help me find a straight jacket? Date: 22 Sep 1994 17:45:28 GMT Organization: Cornell Theory Center In article kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) writes: >To keep him *still* you'd want to encase him completely in plaster like >the guy in Kurt Vonnegut's book "Catch-22", which was filmed as Stanley >Kubrick's "Blade Runner". Does Joseph Heller, author of Catch-22, know about Kurt Vonnegut's book of the same name? -- Jeffrey A. Silber/silber@tc.cornell.edu Director of Administration and Operational Support Cornell Center for Theory & Simulation in Science & Engineering ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.silly-group.beable,alt.ghovercraft,monash.test From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: The Silly Word of the Day for 29/12/1994 Organization: HappyNet Headquarters Date: Tue, 3 Jan 1995 09:07:48 GMT In article <1994Dec29veevveev@mdw023.cc.monash.edu.au>, the Silly Word Server wrote: > Today's silly word is "veevveev". Hey! Wally Veevveev! His special effects for Stanley Kubrick were the best. Matt McIrvin will now deny he can explain the joke. Also, he needs to explain to Scott what I meant when I pointed to a can of "Milo" on the Spanish-language-foods shelf of the supermarket and bellowed, "Aaaaaiieee! The Band brothers canned their production designer!" -- K. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// [1995 fragment] In article , James "Kibo" Parry wrote: >In sci.physics article <3ggch1$mfo@decaxp.harvard.edu>, >Matt McIrvin wrote: >> In article <3gb5aa$t7t@decaxp.harvard.edu>, >> Matt McIrvin wrote: >> >> >Well, if you could travel along spacelike intervals, like they >> >obviously can on that TV show, escaping from an event horizon would >> >present absolutely no trouble. >> >> Though, come to think of it, you might have to watch out lest you go >> in the wrong direction and pop through the Schwarzschild wormhole, and >> get more seriously lost than the USS Voyager, Will Robinson, and Dr. >> Smith *combined*. We're talking more on the Marshall, Will and Holly >> on a Routine Expedition level here. > >So in The Land Of The Lost, you're saying that when Marshall "fell through >the Door of Time" as the song so cutely put it, that he travelled along >a timelike path and came out in The Land Of The Really Really Really Lost? > >Keep in mind that I've already demonstrated how to find your way home >back through any sort of space-time anomaly such as the interior of a >Monolith, a wormhole, or the Great Barrier--just follow the stream of >dripping paint upwards and eventually you'll come to the hand of Stanley >Kubrick or someone less talented (Ib Melchior?) and then you can just >shake the hand (using a tractor beam) and they'll give you directions >back to the movie set you started on. > >Is it okay to talk about Ib Melchior in sci.physics, or can we only talk >about Land of the Lost? > -- K. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.alien.visitors,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Icy Weather And Ashtar. Date: Mon, 19 Jan 1998 03:38:53 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 7145 centons, 96 microns, .02 monera Organization: welcome datacomp And now for Usenet's favorite game show... "Parse That Atrribution!" Pick them up in the correct order and get DOUBLE FUEL BONUS! dxm@froggy.frognet.net (Max Tussin) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry wrote: > > > [various things] > > Damn, you're still around? And I thought *I* had been on Usenet too long. > I feel so inexperienced now. I'd better go shuffle my punched cards or write > some COBOL or something. > > And whatever happened to Xibo and that krill person? (Ah the glorious days > before spam). jkolesza@copper.ucs.indiana.edu (joseph richard koleszar) wrote: > > jackboot block wrote: > > > > Xibo got married. No joke. > > Is that Allowed? At first I thought that said "Is that a joke?" but it doesn't but I'll answer it anyway. It's possible for a serious statement to be completely true, unfabricated, and unprevaricated, and yet still be a joke. You try any prevarications in there, I'll blow your head off. -- K. THE STANLEY KUBRICK OF "MATCH GAME '77" ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// The next part will be the last one, consisting of one gigantic article. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Stanley Kubrick's "A Kibological Orange" (part 4, must be 18) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1999 02:51:34 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Here's the last of four installments of ever mention of Stanley Kubrick's name in my alt.religion.kibology articles. You must be over 18, or named Lolita, to read this one. This one also doubles as a tribute to the late Gene Siskel, who was accidentally offed by an Internet message two weeks ago. Also, Terry Southern, who died about three years ago, is mentioned as well -- he wrote the good parts of Kubrick's "Dr. Strangelove". (Based on the _serious_ potboiler "Red Alert" by Peter George, who was then hired to write a novelization of "Dr. Strangelove".) Terry Southern also wrote the novel "Candy", the film "The Magic Christian", and other works of healthily mean-spirited satire. He also worked on the film "Barbarella". Yay! "Well, really. I mean I'm no prude myself, but when some weird frog starts blasting the Hef, that's when I begin to get a bit uptight." -- Terry Southern, at the 1968 Chicago Democratic convention. -- K. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.slack From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Death Dildo [bad sex fiction, long] Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology Organization: HappyNet Headquarters Date: Fri, 10 Jun 1994 10:58:09 GMT Seen on alt.sex.stories. Reposted in its entirety plus my exegesis. People who don't like films about Shirley Temple dancing with fluffy bunny rabbits should press 'n' now! In article <092308Z10061994@anon.penet.fi>, wrote: > > Death Dildo > R.J. Moore Ooh, it's a screenplay by the great R.J. Moore! I hope R.J. copyrighted this so that nobody else could take credit for it because I'm sure *millions* of people envy this incredibly filmic style! > Fade in > Exterior > Night, foggy > Car driving along a lonely stretch of two lane blacktop. This stroke film would just be *ruined* if it only had stock footage of a *four-lane* road. I hope they pay extra for the stock footage of the two-lane road! > Cut to > Interior > A beautiful brunette. > She has high cheek bones,magnificent green eyes and thick natural brows. More than one brow? And thick? What is she, a Neanderthal? Maybe if they draw some eyebrows on it you won't notice the ridge so much. > She wears a pair of ivory earring and matching necklace. > She is wearing an off-white business suit, white blouse tie and > white high heels. Also a white angora sweater. She is played by Ed Wood. > She is driving , her mind seems far away. Her mind is shown in the corner of the screen. It is doing a jigsaw puzzle while sipping Tab. > Cut to > POV out the windshield of car > There is a blur of motion. GENERIC SCENE #136 THERE IS A BLUR OF MOTION AS SOMETHING DOES SOMETHING. IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT. INSERT STOCK FOOTAGE OF SOMETHING. (Note to director: If you spoil any of the other scenes with bad focus just put them here.) > Closeup > Woman's face, surprise. She is jamming on the brakes. > A thumping noise. > > Long shot > Exterior > The car comes to a sliding halt. > > Woman's Voice > > Shit! Dialogue by Ring Lardner and Terry Southern. Man, this'll take the Best Screenplay award for sure! > Close up > Car door opens, white high heels meet the pavement. > She is slim and tall. > Camera follows the high heels as she walks past front of car. > She walks up to a body. A man. > Clad in black running shorts,t - shirt, and running shoes. > Woman stands by body. > > Woman > Son of bitch? Son of bitch Hi, I'm Harry Helmsley Jr. > Medium shot > She grabs body by the feet and drags him with difficulty to side of road. > She rolls the body down into a ditch. She looks up and down the road. > No body in sight. She goes down into the ditch. Rolls body on its back. > She takes the guys pulse. > > Woman > Shit. Not only the Best Screenplay Oscar, but the Least Vocabulary Oscar as well! (Unless the Band Brothers make another Dollman film.) > A beat > She is stares at the crotch area. She run runs her hand over the bulge in > the shorts. Smiling she slips the waistband down with diffuculty. The waistband has steel radial construction for extra tensile strength. No human could possibly pull on this waistband without diffuculty. The underwear's label says "WEDGIE-PRUF". She uses a crowbar to pull it down. There is a loud "BOING!!!" and several men dressed like various fruits materialize, talking about the Superband Waistband which snaps back wash after wash. They loan her their tractor to get the underwear off. > The guy is wearing an athletic supporter. She grabs it pulling it aside Under the athletic supporter he's wearing another pair of underwear, and under that another athletic supporter, and under that another pair of sunglasses. Wait, isn't this a Zucker-Abrams-Zucker gag from the 70s? > exposing the guys cock. Her slim hand pulls up the guy's dick. > She holds it stretching it up. > > Woman > Too bad. Could have had use for that tonight. While talking to herself, she swats at the invisible gnomes that are chewing her flesh. > Medium shot > Drops the guys dick back. Raises up. Walks back to the car. > > Long shot > Gets into car . Drives away. > > Fade out > > Fade in > Interior > Close shot > A table with a big black dildo on it > and a device that looks like a remote changer for a TV except that > it just has one button and a short antenna. It's the remote control that makes Robbie The Robot perform over five hundred functions simultaneously! > Pull back > A gloved pair of hands places a vial and syringe on the table with > the dildo. Closeup on the vial. It says Purssic acid. The needle of the The "purssic" acid has a sticker saying "PIOSON: KEEP OUT OF RAECH OF CHIDLREN" with a picture of a skull and a bone. > syringe pierces the rubber top of the vial and the syringe is filled. > Then the dildo is opened up and the syringe is placed in it. > Turning the dildo around for the the camera there is a knob on the bottom > and there is a small hole in the top of the dildo. > The dildo is placed in a box. > > Fade out > > Fade in Shake it all about Fade out again Fade in again Insert stock footage of some guys participating in the thrilling sport of rock climbing. A car with a driver inside drives somewhere. The sun sets. Volcanoes are giving off smoke on an alien landscape. A scientist explains how babies are born. Insert other padding as needed. Fade out Fade in Fade in Fade in Fade out Fade in > Interior > A tastefully decorated apartment. > The woman comes through the door. > (Its the same woman in the car,still dressed the same.) How does she get the car through the door, and why is the car dressed? > She is carrying an armload of mail and her briefcase. > She sets the mail down and a long package slides on the floor. > She picks it up and looks at it curiously. > She opens it and finds a large black vibrator dildo. > She looks at a piece of paper that falls out. > > Insert > A printed message that says "Killer Cucumber, a multispeed vibrator. > Produces vibrating penetration for really deep thrills. > Special feature for an awesome experience at climax" Oh, great, it's a SNUFF FILM being posted to USENET. I hope this is all just MADE UP and not A DOCUMENTARY!!!!! > Cut to > > Woman laughing. > She stops. > She looks at the dildo, it seems to hold a curios attraction for her. The little picture of her mind in the corner of the screen has a little guy inside holding up a sign saying "Wow! What a CURIOS ATTRACTION!" It is written in crayon. The S is backwards. > Fade out > > Fade in Fight! Fight! Fight! > Interior > Bedroom of the apartment. > Woman is undressing. She takes off her skirt. > She is wearing a frothy white half slip. The froth tastes like cream cheese. The film will not work otherwise. > Cut away I'm really tired of these films of women having their clothes cut off with switchblades. Okay, it was fresh when Stanley Kubrick did it, but let's face it, Stanley Kubrick did it in a film that wasn't written by a three-year-old. > Exterior > Medium Shot > From the back. > A figure wearing a black ski mask , black turtle neck and black pants. > He spying through the woman's bedroom window. He bad! He spying, he bad! We can tell it's the woman's bedroom window because written on it in red lipstick (#401 Rose Shadow) is "THIS IS MY BEDROOM WINDOW. -- THE WOMAN" > Cut to > Close up > White high heels. > Pull back slowly, pan up. > Cut to > Close up > Thumbs tucked into top of slip. Slowly slide it off. > Camera follows. Camera bounces twice. > Bottom of a white lace trimmed bustier, grater straps frame a beautiful > slim hips and a tuft of black pubic hair since she is not wearing panties. She is, however, wearing two athletic supporters. > Down top of creamy trim thighs to the tightly buckled tops of > grey tone hosiery. On down, she lifts her high heels to steps out of the slip. Let's see, we've had FIVE words of dialogue, and about FIFTY descriptions of various articles of clothing. Next there will be a list of D-ring sizes and screw thread spacings, with blueprints being displayed. I must say, though, that the character of... um... uh... you know, one of the ones that doesn't have a NAME... > Cut to > Closeup > Eyes looking between the half drawn blinds of the bedroom. > > Cut to > Closeup > Girl undoes the tie and starts to unbutton the blouse. > Pull back to medium shot > The white bustier is strapless and the top of well shaped breasts press > upward from the push up demi-cups. Genuine orange-flavored Fred Flintstone sherbet Push-Ups!(TM) > The rest of the bustier is an extravagance of lace and dainty ribbon trimmings. > > Long shot > Girl walks over to dresser and picks the dildo up. She holds it up to her nose and sniffs it. She looks at the thing quizzically. > She takes dildo with her and sits on the bed. > She brushes the tip of the dildo on her inner thighs. > She is getting excited. > She lays back on the bed stretching raising her right leg slightly. Angela Lansbury's Stretching Exercises For Seniors. > She moves the dildo across the top of her stomach, > she circles the arch her mound of venus with it brushing it through > her pubic hair. The dildo feels quizzicallic about this act. The dildo wonders if it can guess the ending of this intricately-plotted film. > Close-up > With her left hand she opens the lips of her vagina > and grazes the tip of the dildo against her clitoris. Extreme Close-up Several key nerve endings in the clitoris transmit impulses. > Pull back to a medium shot > (Angle is up her legs with her pussy and face in view.) > With a sharp intake of breath she begins to move her hips rhythmically upward. > She inserts the dildo deeper and deeper into her vagina. As in all these bits of Usenet stroke fiction, the dildo is at LEAST sixteen inches long and nine inches wide. She has size 69FFF breasts. > Cut to > Eyes looking through window half open window blinds. Oh no, the film's stuck and we're going to have to watch this scene over and over and over! Help! > Close up > A gloved hand removes the small transmitter and palms it. > Thumb poised over the red button. Which one of the buttons was the red one? > Cut to long shot. > Woman is slowly rolling upward against the dildo working it into her. She fights the efects of the zero gravity as she floats to the ceiling. She rolls downwards onto the bed. > Slowly move in to medium shot. > She moves the dildo in her getting more and more excited. > She arches her back. Slowly the top of the bustier slips down, > first one nipple appears then the other, and finally the material slips > slowly off her breasts. Fine well formed breasts are released from the cups. > Nipples stand hard with excitement. Audience sits stiff with boredom. > Medium shot > (Her face and the inserted dildo both in view) In front of a scenic backdrop of Mt. McKinley and the Eiffel Tower. The wallpaper has small paisely patterns in teal and avocado, approximately 3-3/4" across, with the paste neatly applied on the back of the paper. > (The following goes on for several minutes) Yeah, pad it out some more. Why, with this much plot, this film could turn out to be long enough to fill the time left when a Zima commercial gets pulled! > She is bucking and moaning and tossing her head from side to side. > Her breath comes in gasps. She pushes her heels against the bed > the musculature of lovely legs rippling. > Bitting her lower lip a violent shudder runs through her. > She gasps in an exhilaration of pleasure. > At a spasm she thrusts the dildo deep into herself shoving it from the bottom. A plimsoll line on the dildo shows that it has been inserted to its full nineteen-inch depth. > Cut to > Exterior > Close up Zoom in on the label which says "Approved by the American Dental Association to prevent plaque build-up." Cut to Flip cap Tartar Control Crest. > Hand held transmitter. Thumb hesitates a second then closes the button. The thumb's innermost thoughts appear in a corner of the screen. "He wants me to push the button. But am I his thumb or just his stooge? Could it be that I am too weak to push the button? This reminds me of the time in '57 when my father..." [continues for several agonizing minutes] > Close up > Her face. > As a spasm of pleasure washes her face it changes to a quizzical look of pain. > > Medium shot > She pulls the dildo out. Brings it up to her eyes. > A needle protrudes from the tip. > > Close up > Top of dildo. Needle gleams in the light. > A small bead of clear fluid drools from the top. FAT FREDDY SAYS: "BEAD DROOLS! SKILL PEEDS! SKEED PILLS!" <-- GILBERT SHELTON REFERENCE (FAMILIAR TO PHILIP K. DICK FANS) > Medium shot > She flings the dildo away. > She cups her twat with her hands. Her eyes are wide in terror. Her six-inch eyes are riveted on the ten gallons of fluid spurting across the room, out the window, and down the street from her gigantic snatch. Her belly button is nine feet across. Across town, Kilgore Trout had a dick four miles long, but most of it was in the fourth dimension. <-- VERY OBVIOUS VONNEGUT REFERENCE > Long shot > She slides around sitting on the bed reaching for the telephone on > the night table. With trembling finger she punches two buttons, > but in an involuntary jerk she drops the phone. > Her breathing is slow and difficult. > She tries to pickup the phone but is seized with an involuntary agitation. Meanwhile, those darn hippies are experimenting with VOLUNTARY agitation! Several are arrested for burning their draft cards. > She tries to stand but is overcome by another paroxysm > and falls back on the bed. > She pitches back on the bed clutching her throat. > > Cut to > Eyes looking through the blinds. The eyes follow her across the room. She tries to catch them but they hit the floor and the cat swallows them. > Medium shot > Woman's face is contorted, eyes with widely dilated pupils. > She still has hands about her throat. > She is pitching her breasts the nipples still stiff whip Nipple Stiff Whip! Use it with Jell-O(R) brand pudding to make Pudding In A Cloud for YOUR next snuff film party! > from side to side in the air. > > Cut to a long shot > She drives the back of her high heels into the bed, > her head jerks back her body arches so her body rests > on head and heels only. > Her arms splay out. She shakes her breasts and thrusts her hips. > She makes gasping and gurgling sounds. This is the worst performance art I've ever seen on "Alive From Off Center"! > Cut to close up. > Slow motion. > Her face is a spasm of terror. She starts to foam at the mouth, > the spittle is flicked with blood. She shakes her head for side to side. > Earrings and necklace flail in the air. > Flecks of the foam fly about in slow arcs. This scene to be rendered by Industrial Light And Magic with digital post-processing by Pacific Data Images. > Cut to > Medium shot > Black clad figure opens and climbs through window. > Walks over to convulsing woman. > Takes out an erect prick and begans to jack off Realizes it's not his and then pulls out the other one. > Cut to > Long shot > Slow motion > > She is seized by more violent and convulsive movements. > She floppes so her head and shoulders now come off the bed. > Her hips are still on the bed. > She had reached the final asphyxial stage. > Into death spasms. > > Cut to medium shot > Slow Motion > (Down her legs) > > She almost falls completely from the bed, > only calves and feet are still there. The calves moo. > In a spasm she drives her heels into the bed > arching her hips upward and pisses. > The yellow stream bowing through the air, > splashing onto her body and soaking the carpet. Suddenly, in a pathetic attempt to make the film sink even lower into the depths of stupidity, the entire cast of "Gilligan's Island" disembowels each other with grapefruit knives. It doesn't work. > Move in slowly to close up > Her face. She is making weak croaking sounds. The guys legs come into view > and he squats over her face. She is sucking air, her mouth open, foaming. > > (Pull back shot from her face,guy sitting on her upper chest, > her breasts poking out over the rucked down basier top , > past her pussy , along the smooth thigh and tightly gartered stocking tops. > She lies , right high heeled foot on the bed, left on on the floor > ,left knee doubled inward. > She lies on her back a pool of piss drips off the extreme lower > part of her stomach. Weak spasms still shake her body.) Gene: I liked this film, except for all the spasming. Roger: Oh, come on. If you're like normal people, you just love watching spasm after spasm. I give this film a 10 on my Spaz-O-Meter. > Close up > Guy rubs the tip of his hard cock on her cheeks just under her wide > open wild eyes. > With a gloved hand he wipes the foamy drool away from her mouth. > Using his fingers he preys her slack mouth open. "Bob" sticks a 'Frop pipe into her slack mouth. <-- FOR ALT.SLACK READERS ONLY > He slowly pushes his prick into her mouth, her teeth scrape > the top of his brick hard cock. Especially the hard edges of the rectangular tip. > He positions him self and drives the long hard member > down her throat his balls bouncing on her chin. She begins to juggle. > Close up > He continues fucking her in the mouth while her dying eyes > stare into his crotch. > In her last death throes she is jerking her head forward in a gag reflex. > After several minutes the guys breath is coming in shorter intakes. > > Close up > Slow Motion > He starts to come in her mouth just as she breaths her last > her eyes become transfixed in a stare of terror and surprise. > He pulls his dick back a gooey film surrounding his stiff member. > A long rope of cum connects to her mouth, breaks. It wanders around the room. Connects itself to an electrical socket. All the light bulbs in the neighborhood explode one by one. In a laboratory a pair of edible underwear grows to enormous proportions. > His cum leaps out in long pearly streamers arcing slowly > in the air and criss-crossing a beautiful cheek. > Matting her eyelashes. The eyelashes are matted in front of a painting of outer space. They have a shimmery blue outline around them. <-- FILM STUDENT JOKE > Medium shot > Slow motion > > He grasps her behind the head and finishes by forcing his throbbing > cock back down her throat in the last spasams of his climax. Little kids burst into the room firing toy guns, shouting "SPA-SAM! SPA-SAM! DOW! DOW! DOW! SPA-SAM!" > Long shot > He puts his dick back in his pants. > Picks up the dildo puts into package,takes it. > He takes a last look at the dead woman. > Takes a business card out of a pants pocket. > > Insert > Card reads 'Retribution Inc.' > > Medium shot > He squats by the woman. > Brushes the card up her inner thigh and inserts the card part way in her pussy. > > Long shot. > He leaves through window. > > > Close up > Dead woman's face in profile, her head inclines slowly to the side till > she faces the camera her face glistens with cum and she drools semen as > she stares, in death, into the camera. > > Camera pulls slowly back, out and down her body, framing the whole dead woman. > > Fade out. > > End COMING SOON: DEATH DILDO II: THE BIG STICK OF MENTOS STUPIDER! SICKER! MORE BORING! MORE VAPID! MORE INFANTILE! POSTED TO THE NET IN SCRIPT FORMAT IN THE PATHETIC HOPES THAT SOMEONE WILL FILM THIS MOVIE JUST FOR THIS LOSER! -- K. ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////// And so ends Stanley Kubrick's long and dignified career of making cameos on the Internet. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Sex-starved camel kills master's son Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1999 02:30:20 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor > Subject: Sex-starved camel kills master's son I would just like to reiterate my theory that the most interesting Subject: headers are always attached to articles that can't measure up. > RIYADH, March 7 (AFP) - A camel killed his master's > five-year-old son in anger at being tied down alone during the > mating season, a Saudi newspaper reported on Sunday. This would have never happened had the guy been smart enough to tie his son down too. You know, like Joan Crawford always did. > The camel bit the child by the waist and shook him violently to > death. The father could only look on in shock before shooting dead > the animal, the daily Okaz said. > It said camel owners in the Dibaa area of northern Saudi Arabia > had been warned not to tie down their animals during the breeding > season. Yaaaagh! The scary talking Okra is giving advice on camel-breeding! -- K. I just realized Karo syrup is an anagram of okra even though it's not nearly as gummy as okra juice. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Peruvians Touched by An Alien Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1999 02:37:20 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > > Peruvians Wallow in 'Miraculous' > > Mud Allegedly Touched by Aliens > > I must say, the title I first read: > > "Peruvian Marshmallow in 'Wackiness' > Mud Allegedly Touched by an Angel." > > was for a much better article. Mmmm! Mud wrestling with miniature marshmallows and divinity! Them gaucho gals sure can wrassle! > The rest of the > article was stupid. And we're making it stupider my the minute. YAY!!! -- K. Don't they sell Wackiness Mud at The Body Shop? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: experiment on my daughter Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1999 04:13:04 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In alt.torture, a newsgroup inhabited entirely by AOL users for some reason, a French AOL user named "Bonichth" (bonichth@aol.com) wrote (quoted in full): > > Subject: experiment on my daughter > > I am a mother of 40 years > With help found on this place I could experiment torture on > my daughter who is now 18 years old since one month > After several experiences I use now little electric chocs > which give hard pain but no marks. > Does anyone has information about danger and troubles possible to do > that often on her It's so nice to know that the Internet helps broaden our view of the world so that we're no longer afraid to meet new people. -- K. She's been 18 years old since she was a month old? What? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.physics.plutonium From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: By the way Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1999 04:18:39 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Last night there was a movie on TV where Judd Nelson played a mannequin. It was called "Flinch", and Judd Nelson isn't even a good enough actor to play a mannequin. And CBS is planning to air a four-hour miniseries of "The Celestine Prophecy". And there's that new movie, "Baby Geniuses", which is a lot like "Bugsy Malone" only with an all-singing, all-dancing cast of TODDLERS. Is it my imagination, or are Archimedes Plutonium's imaginary "movies" starting to look good? -- K. At least they'd be funnier than anything with Judd Nelson, ESPECIALLY "Suddenly Susan". ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.physics.plutonium,sci.math From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: By the way Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1999 23:42:36 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Joseph Michael Bay (jmbay@leland.Stanford.EDU) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > Is it my imagination, or are Archimedes Plutonium's imaginary "movies" > > starting to look good? > > _PIE_, the story of a brilliant scientist's descent into madness, brought > on by an uncontrollable obsessive craving for pie filling. You see, Archie is smarter than we've realized -- all along he's just been looking for the appropriate substance with which to fill the hole in his head. > I think also the bit in _The Wall_ where Pink shaves his head after going > starkers may have been inspired by Archie. What I like is that his logic is that movie A is based on him because it shows a young genius with a crew-cut, and that movie B is based on him because it shows a bald insane guy, so any movie in which someone has hair or has no hair, AND is either sane or not sane, is based on him. Therefore, Archie has just proven the following movies are based on him: "I.Q." "Star Trek 5" "Star Trek 19" "I.Q. 19" "Tank Girl" "Baby Geniuses" Allen Parker's "Bugsy Malone" <-- WITH SCOTT BAIO!!! Allen Parker's "The Road To Wellville" Allen Funt's "What Do You Say To A Naked Lady?" "Zardoz" <-- WITH SEAN CONNERY!!! "The Terror Of Tiny Town" "Baby Huey's Big Adventure" "The Celestine Prophecy: The Motion Picture -- YOU'RE WATCHING CBS!" "Sesame Street Presents: Follow That Bird!" "Waterworld" "Fat Guy Goes Nutzoid" "The Postman" <-- WITH TOM PETTY AS HIMSELF!!! Roger Corman's "The Fantastic Four" "Manos: The Hands Of Fate" "Sybil Danning's Adventure Theater: Space 1999: Journey Through The Black Sun" and "Hitler" <-- WITH RICHARD BASEHART!!! -- K. By the time the German people found out that Hitler was REALLY Richard Basehart, it was too late! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: A late reply Date: Mon, 8 Mar 1999 23:54:26 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp In net.misc, smb@unc wrote: > Subject: Home VCRs > Newsgroups: net.misc > Path: utcsrgv!utzoo!decvax!duke!unc!smb > Date: Wed Feb 10 08:53:19 1982 > > My suggestion is to hold off. Sony and the other manufacturers have > agreed on a *new* standard, neither Beta nor VHS; it's scheduled for, > I believe, 1984 or 1985. I would like to agree with that, too. Please forgive the lateness of my reply. -- K. Mmmm, archivey. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Richard Hoagland Has Heart Attack. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 9 Mar 1999 09:11:17 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor John F. Winston (johnfwin@mlode.com) wrote: > > Subject: Richard Hoagland Has Heart Attack. Mar. 8, 1999. > > It has just been announced on the Art Bell Show that UFO researcher > has just had a massive heart attack and will be operated on tomorrow > morning. He is in critical condition at the present time. Oh no! In the past two weeks Kibology has accidentally snuffed Gene Siskel, the Emir of Bahrain, Stanley Kubrick, Joe DiMaggio, and now it's taken a bite out of Richard Hoagland! And it's all the fault of that darn Bob Hope for wrapping his head in aluminum foil to reflect the death rays at other major celebrities! I'm watching Mr. Hoagland being operated on right now courtesy my web-cam. It's odd, but there's this thing that looks like a little face on his heart. -- K. And you should see what's on his butt! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Bee in a Dyson sphere Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 9 Mar 1999 09:37:41 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Dag ]gren FYSI" (dagren@abo.fi) wrote: > > Quick question: Is "Bee in a Dyson sphere" something I've read in ark, or > is it just another fragment of my twisted imagination? > > Well, whichever, I like it. Well, grepping my archive for "Dyson sphere", I see that I wrote: I would like to breed a volvox big enough that we could use it as an organic Dyson sphere. That would make BOTH Lewis Mumford and the editors of the Whole Earth Review happy and then he'd apologize for calling their dream of building a space station for hippies "infantile" in print. -- Kibo, January 1999 I think we're at about Stage 3.1J at the moment. If we achieve Stage 4.0A, we get a free Dyson Sphere to put around the Solar System of our choice! -- Kibo, April 1998 You could orbit inside a hollow planetoid or a Dyson sphere. -- Kibo, December 1991 (describing the cat's counterclockwise orbital motion inside the house) Those aren't big projects. A big project would be a Dyson sphere made entirely out of trained mosquitoes that speak English and have been told to remain mutally equidistant from each other at all times and have solved the n-body gravitational problem. -- Kibo, December 1996 So, you see, I've never mentioned bees in Dyson spheres, therefore nobody else could have. However, I would like to remind you that I own the "bee in a" meme because all bees are in me. Tee-hee! Coming soon: Orbeez. It's a gaseous beverage with yellow and black dots that go right for your face! -- Kibo, June 1998 I like to speculate about consumer goods filled with bees ("Bee In A Balloon") or my favorite form of fictional toxic waste, liquid bees. -- Kibo, June 1998 I still prefer the commercial where there's this bottle in the middle of a field with a strip of bacon growing in it and a bee, making light-saber noises, hovering around it. Because BEES LOVE BACON, and DOGS DON'T KNOW IT'S JUST A COMMERCIAL. Someday I'm going to have to be a dog for a week so I can run around demanding bacon from everyone I meet. Or maybe I should be a bumblebee so I can go around jumping off buildings while on LSD, and the police will say, "It's okay, we know he didn't think he could fly, because everyone knows bumblebees cannot fly!" In fact, bumblebees are so inept, they can't even fall. If you spray one with Raid it dies in mid-air and stays there forever. This is how you can tell that bees are immortal. Unless your dog eats one. In that case your dog has to stand there forever because that dead bee's not going anywhere. -- K. Inventor of "Bee In A Kazoo"! -- Kibo, June 1998 Your kelpants are no match for my BEE IN AN EARPLUG! Listen: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM -- Kibo, June 1998 BEE IN A BALLOON!!! ANT FARM IN A GLASS BASKETBALL!!!! and for more funlike torture of elastic pain, BE IN A BALLOON!!! <-- hi Bill & Antje. -- Kibo, September 1997 BEES THAT EAT LIKE A MEAL. [...] From the makers of Bee In A Balloon: New and improved Bee Balanced On A Glass Cone! -- Kibo, August 1998 I think Bee In A Balloon is more fun than Furby In A Balloon. Unless Furbies also have an air sensor so they can suffocate. -- Kibo, January 1999 I think you're confusing the "Bacon In A Bottle" segment of "The Special Show" with the "Diaper Burger" segment of "The Special Show" and the "Bee In A Balloon" segment of "The Prisoner (Now With Bees)". -- Kibo, January 1999 And then there was the time I wrote a whole article about how I constantly talk about finding bees inside things which are larger than a bee: //// re-run of re-runs //// re-run of re-runs //// re-run of re-runs //// From: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology Subject: Re: short pointless confession Date: Sat, 27 Jun 1998 04:59:55 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 4721 centons, 63 microns, .02 rouettes And now, the thread so far in this SHORT pointless confession: James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) said: > > Last night I took an old TV Guide out of my freezer 'cause I forgot about it. Chihuahua Gilliam Fnordling-5 (with an umlaut over it) Grub (chacha@mactyre.net) wrote: > > This weekend I encountered the breed of person that collects TV Guide > Collectors Covers. Rhianna (rhianna@bee.net) wrote: > > This reads like the time I went to a Longaberger basket party. > > And these things were EXpensive with the capital EX. 50$ for > something in which I'd put a plant or my snail-mail. James "Kibo" Parry wrote: > > "YAY! I GOT A PIECE OF JUNK MAIL! LET ME PUT IT IN MY BASKET SO > I CAN TAKE IT OUT OF THE BASKET WHEN I WANT TO LOOK AT IT!" > > Today I got this card in the mail: > > "...Please join us for a private VIP reception with light refreshments. > You'll have a chance to meet two of your favorite Disney characters, > so don't forget your cameras." > > It's a press screening of a Disney movie or something. Should I go? David C Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > But don't take your camera. They'll just replace the film with > Digitally(tm) Constructed(tm) Pixar(tm) images of you interacting merrily > with "two of your favorite Disney(tm) characters". Your brane will have > been WIPED CLEAN. > > With Bee-Flavored Orbitz. Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > OH MY LORD!!!!!! > > BEES are APPARENTLY for the DRINKING!!!! > Who knew? Well, duh. I've only mentioned Liquid Bees, a close relative of Citroma, The Buzzing Laxative, several hundred times since the Internet was started in 1941. And Solid Bees too. From about 1989, my thousand-line .signature has said, "Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through any of its streets." In mid-1993, Matt McIrvin and I wrote alternate sentence fragments of a Spot story, including the line, "Broke, Spot ate his own liver. Spot was allergic to liver, and almost became all hives. The bees stung him very badly, or very well, since he enjoyed the honey." There's the 1993 Christmas Spot story, in which I wrote, "One day, Eternity itself ended--not with a bang, but with a great noise similar to the tearing of a burlap bowling bag filled with bees.) In 1994, I signed off "Turned on by girls in oxygen tents filled with bees." In 1995, I mentioned "Bee In A Balloon", "Bee In A Blimp", and the oh-so-dated "Bee In Biosphere 2". In October 1997, I said, "Yeah, well, I'll smother you with a rubber inflatable Spider-Man doll filled with PEPPER BEES!" A tank of "liquid killer bees" figures prominently in my 1997 Christmas Spot story. And on December 31, 1997, I wrote, "Also, I liked the Monolith better as a transparent block of Sparkling White Grape Jell-O filled with bees." January, 1998: "We decided that it wasn't that bad to open a can of worms, because opening a can of bees was much worse." February, 1998: "The anti-protons, swarming like bees only louder and blinkier, whizzed into the SSC tunnel and began to orbit the state of Texas." In April 1998, I wrote a Seuss pastiche that I don't even remember writing, including the stanza "Now don't you see that when you invite over your not-friend Not-Kibo you can only be sad? Don't be glum, don't be mad! I am your friend, I am your pal! I am the one who was, I am the one who is, I am the one who toasts buttered bumblebees in my sleeve! I keep the Pillsbury Dough-Rat in my other hat!" The same month, I signed off with "Always put bees in your ears." And a few days later, I mentioned "the super-intelligent chimp-bees of Cydonia". May 1, 1998, I posted a Spot story featuring this paragraph: "'Wow!' said Spot. 'I had no idea making bacon was so hygenic!' Then Mr. Diaper dipped him in a pool filled with wingless bees. 'Ow! Those tickle! I mean, those sting!'" Days later: "(Insert close-up of Bill Bixby screaming because he has two felt bees stuck to his cheeks with double-faced tape.)" and "My head is filled with super new bees." and: [Kibo, May 4, 1998] > Usenet is like a brain filled with bees. Usenet tastes very, very, very > tangy. Ow! Usenet hurts my mouth. > > When bees are bad, how does the beekeeper punish them? Does he or she > force them to get their honey from Super Golden Crisp? > > After the bees take the honey from the flower and turn it into > pollen in that thing where the bees live -- the "bee house" or whatever -- > how did the bees sell the pollen before there were humans? And then I told you, Leah: [Kibo, May 7, 1998] > Okay. There are bumble bees and there are honey bees. > Honey bees make honey and honey makes money. Bumble bees are comically inept > and fall off ladders and drop cans of paint on each other's heads. > > Now, if honey bees taste like honey, and bumble bees taste like bumble gum, > and bees are for the eatin', free for the takin', deep-fried in bacon, > floating down the Delaware, chewin' on their underwear, can't afford > another pair, why on earth do you suppose SOME people (whose initials are > M.I.K.E. J.I.T.T.L.O.V.) prefer the taste of Trader Joe's Lumpy Aloe Vera Drink? > > It makes your throat sting just like skinny-dipping in a vat of liquid > bees after having your whole body turned inside out. And it tastes like > non-alcholic Zima with Orbitz lumps, only squishier and coated with > a mixture of methocel and real ectoplasm. > > MIKE, INSTALL YOUR DARN NEWSREADER PROGRAM ALREADY 'CAUSE I'M MAKING FUN > OF YOUR LOVE OF ARTIFICIAL ALL-NATURAL BEE-FLAVORED TRAITOR JOE'S > HOSPITAL FLOOR DISINFECTANT! > > (Actually, last time I was in the hospital, they were using a licorice- > scented disinfectant. Ewww. So I was careful to sneeze on all the floors > to cancel out the disinfectant.) > > Trader Joe's Stringy Aloe Vera Drink must be stopped... before it's too late. > Or too chunky. Here's what I suggest doing to spread the panic: > > 1.) Get a barrel of Trader Joe's Bumpy, Malfalda-Noodle-Filled Aloe Vera Drink. > 2.) Fill a balloon with the Trader Joe's Squamous Aloe Vera Drink. > 3.) Fill another (larger) balloon with helium. > 4.) Tie them together so that the helium balloon is holding up the > chunky, infectious balloon. > 5.) Tie a card to the middle of the string between them, reading, > "TO WHOEVER FINDS THIS IN WHATEVER COUNTRY, PLEASE DO NOT DRINK THIS." > 6.) Release it into the wild, secure in the knowledge that eventually > it will help people learn to not drink Trader Joe's Gloppy Aloe Drink. > > Also, you can have fun a second way while doing that: as the balloon > starts floating away, run over to a nice policeman, yank on his pants leg, > and cry, "I DROPPED MY ICE CREAM CONE ON MY BALLOON AND MY BALLOON FLOATED > AWAY WITH MY ICE CREAM CONE ON TOP AND MY PET TURTLE INSIDE MAKE IT COME > BACK DOWN WAAAAAAH!!!" Then ask the policeman which of the Teletubbies > he is while sucking your thumb, which you have secretly coated with > cayenne pepper to keep you from sucking it, then cry some more. He'll > probably take you back to the police station and give you candy! > And remember... POLICEMEN NEVER DRINK TRADER JOE'S SPONGIFORM ALOE VERA DRINK! > > -- K. > > P.S. On New Year's Day 1999 > they stop making Kodak 126 film > forever! Yay! This offsets > the horror of Year 2000 quite > nicely, thank you. > > I would pay $500 if Bob Hope would > die on January 1, 2000 just so that > he won't get any TV news attention > due to the live pictures of AOL > chat screens of people saying > "My DOS sorts the files by date > in a slightly different order now!" May 21, 1998, I said: "CHECK YOURSELF FOR BUMBLEBEES NOW OR YOU *MIGHT* BE SORRY IN FIVE MINUTES!" [Kibo, June, 1998] > CAPTAIN'S LOG: We are approaching the half of the galaxy known as > eff see eight cee one two eight eff seven zero eight three two six see one, > the home of the Inivisible Liquid Bees Of Zontreenia. No, wait, that's > eff see eight cee one two eight eff seven oh eight three two six see one, > we're actually in the Land Of The Giant Time-Reversed Egg-Beaters Of Flarzon! > YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!! MY HAIR!!!! [and days later] > If only LSB's Message-ID were a string of bees, like in that early > "Mission: Impossible" episode where the ghost of the murdered beekeeper > sends a bunch of strings of fishing line with yellow and black popcorn > threaded on them in through the window to kill the bad man. Then we > could strange LSB with HIS OWN FAKE BEES and make it look like > Martin Landau did it. > > Or, we could pay Martin Landau to impersonate Robert Duvall in > the "Time Tunnel" episode where Duvall is suffocated by the yellow > and black throw rug tossed over him by the offscreen giant prehistoric > blinking-light bees. [and] > (Zowie zoom on Barbara Bain's gigantic asymmetrical hair. She pulls > it off to reveal that she is Martin Landau. We see a pair of tin snips > cutting a golf ball in half. A gas station price sign decreases from > point nine cents to point eight. We see two left shoes lying on a > Twister mat. Peter Graves opens his mouth and bees come out. Then > he strikes a match on his wooden forehead.) [and then] > Coming soon: Orbeez. > It's a gaseous beverage with > yellow and black dots that > go right for your face! [and then] > I think my building, or at least one of the adjacent ones, got hit > by lightning today; I saw the flash and heard the BANG (and it was > really loud, and echoed for a long time) simultaneously, but also > heard the preceding "crackle-crackle-crackle" sound of bees crushing walnuts > wrapped in wax paper for a few seconds before the strike. [and] > My head is filled with giant prehistoric bees. I tried drinking Gatorade > and Orbitz and Zima and new Liquid Mentos to get them out but they just > started singing The Spice Girls' Fifth Symphony. Perhaps you could help me. > Do you have any medicine that will kill the bees in my brain without > hurting the chipmunks? [&] > Bees bees bees, bees buzz. > Buzzing bees bug me, begone! > Me no like buzz bees. [&] > My name is Kibo and I like bees. Well, in a platonic way. So you see, Leah, bees have been beaten to death. Also I own the copyright on all bee references. So don't make any more or I'll sue you even though you'll look really stupid beating a dead bee. Anyway, now we're almost up to the post to which I am actually responding. Sleepbot ZZ09.4 (dfoley@sleepbot.com) wrote: > > well, naturally. see, not only are bees able to fly EVEN THOUGH > science has proven that it is impossible for them to do so, they are > also able to suspend themselves in carbonated liquid for indefinite > periods of time. this makes them a natural Orbitz agent. I hear there was once a "Mission: Impossible" episode where Barbara Bain had to disguise herself as an Orbitz agent and Martin Landau accidentally drank her. She got another three Emmys for that, and they forgot to pay him or list his name in the credits that season. Not unlike Leah forgetting my AWESOME LIQUID BEE IDEA. > what surprises me is that it's not some WILD & CRAZY flavor like: > Banana-Bee (a taste sensation which approaches palindromity) > Bee-Pineapple-Rhubarb > Boston Creme Bee I think to be "hip" they would call those The Big Bee Bomb Banana Boat Pina Beebarbituate Colada Splat-Face Bee Pie > i mean, with such well established flavors as Vanilla-Tangerine and > Cherry Motor Oil, you'd think the manufacturers of Orbitz would be > willing to go out on a limb with something like: > Bee-Licorice > Rhianna-Bee (reputed to be amazingly bubbly, yet in some ways flat) > Cran-Apple-Bee Those should be named Black Bee Death Beeanna Banana Lama Ding Dong Snapple Cran-Bee-Crapple Dapple > i'm equally surprised how difficult it is to think of the people who > make Orbits as being anything other than "manufacturers". i mean, the > whole idea of "the Orbits Farmers Co-op" or "Majic Orbits Fairies" > just doesn't settle well. Okay, so Lee Bumgarner thinks there is a drink named "Orbiz", and you think there is "Orbits". Is there an "Obritz" in the house? OBRITZ: PARDON ME WHILE I MAKE EVERYTHING TASTE BETTER BY SHOVING A CRACKER UNDER YOUR HOUSE. -- K. P.S. Dfoley, shame on you for breaking up "The Kids In The Hall" by demanding to wear the dress in every sketch, and for not dying before Phil Hartman and everyone else on NewsRadio who didn't break up "The Kids In The Hall". //// rerun ends //// rerun ends //// rerun ends //// rerun ends //// So, you see, Dag, I mentioned "Bee In Biosphere 2", which is probably the meme you're trying to steal by accident. I should also point out that the program I use to search for text in my archives has TWO bees in it 'cause it's BBEdit. I bought it because I wanted to make my own buckshot but it turned out to be a text editor. Who knew? Anyway, Dag, you can say "bee in a Dyson sphere" all you want, but remember that I get 10% of it. The Dyson sphere, that is. I want the part that has the bathroom in it. And the bee. BEE IN A BATHROOM IN A DYSON SPHERE!!!! -- K. Now I gotta go play on the Bee Bomb Banana Bars. Also, Dyson spheres other than the one I own ten percent of are public domain. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Bee in a Dyson sphere Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 9 Mar 1999 09:42:39 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leo Sgouros (lsgouro1@tampabay.rr.com) wrote: > > "Dag ]gren FYSI" wrote: > > > > Quick question: Is "Bee in a Dyson sphere" something I've read in ark, or > > is it just another fragment of my twisted imagination? > > Bee in a basement universe. Quantumologists say that space is a foamy suds of virtual bees! But if that's true, then how come there are REAL bees? And if people evolved from apes, how come there are still bees? And wouldn't the inside of a Dyson sphere stink because the farts have no place to go? IN SPACE NOBODY CAN TELL WHO DEALT IT!!! Lewis Mumford asked me to say the fart part. Then he stuck his head in a big bowl of tapioca pudding and said "FARTPARTFARTPARTFARTPART" for a while. I think I saw this on TV, unless it was his stunt double. REAL SCIENTISTS DO ALL THEIR OWN STUNTS!!! -- K. And Freeman Dyson even did OTHER scientists' stunts! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Latin and Cheese(tm) Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 9 Mar 1999 09:48:37 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Philipp Leser (p.leser@leser.ruhr.de) wrote: > > Hi, > > I have got a question about my "favourite" school-subject Latin: Well, at least you didn't have to take German classes. German is weird! It's got all those capital B's in the middle of words! > I read that Kibo describes Cheese(tm) as "toxic" etc. Perhaps > he meant "Latin" and not "Cheese"?! > In fact, Latin and Cheese seems to be identical. Naah. I could eat a Latin textbook if I had to. Or a Latin bible. "Mmm, sacrilicious..." -- Homer Simpson > But: What does happen if I put Latin and anti-Cheese(tm) together? > Will it explode in the way Cheese and anti-Cheese does? > If Latin *is* Cheese, it should, I think... > > Help me getting out of my confusion, please... You can't get out of your confusion... you get down off a duck! Hope this helps in some very small way. Also, Latin is too easy because it's just like English, only it doesn't have any words for hard things like "lollipop" or "asteroid". The only language which is easier is Eskimo, because they have 45,000 words for "snow" and only two other words, "sucks" and "brrrrrr". -- K. Wie sagt man "brrrrrr" auf Deutsch? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: A Brace Of Grocery Store Tales. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Tue, 9 Mar 1999 10:12:02 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor I would just like to say that the first time I saw the "Subject:" line, I wackyparsed it as: A Brane Of Grocery Store Tails. Aaron A. (doctoraaron@mindless.com) wrote: > > Yesterday, I was fortunate enough to be in _two_ different supermarkets > yesterday. Wow! That's better than my story: Today I was unlucky enough to be in one supermarket yesterday and another one tomorrow at the same time. Also one put me under "meat" and then stuck a "halal" sticker on me so that they could deny that they had me there. Then they put up a big sign saying "THE SAFEWAY FROZEN PEAS ARE JUST AS GOOD AS THE BRAND WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SELLING, EVEN THOUGH THEY FELL OFF A TRUCK WHEN THE MAFIA TIPPED IT OVER SOMEWHERE TWO THOUSAND MILES WEST FROM HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT WHERE IT WAS SO HOT THE MOBSTERS HAD TO STICK FROZEN PEAS IN THEIR PANTS TO AVOID DYING. PEAS ARE GOOD FOR YOU! AND THESE PEAS ARE PRE-TESTED!" > These are the stories of me and the supermarkets.~I tossed my AAA > batteries, I just want to know what right the American Automobile Assocation and Alcoholics Anonymous have to divide up the battery market to crowd the old public domain "C" and "D" and "E" batteries off the shelves. > for my |\|3370 wireless keyboard, Aaron, no matter how you tart it up with little diagonal things, it's still just a WebTV. Although I am impressed -- I didn't know they have a backslash key. Or is that the only kind of slash? > and my okra (mmm mmm good!) on the conveyor belt, I like to keep my okra in the Van Allen Belt. Except then it catches fire and Richard Basehart has to put it out to stop the Earth from being exploded, but the evil agents of the Other Bloc try to sabotage the seaView DSV because commies would be very happy if the planet exploded. > and some lady, around 25-ish, pulls up behind me. She put > a paranoid bar a full 1 1/2, maybe 2 feet behind my items, I wackyparsed "behind" as "tall", which made this story better. By the way, the Prudential Star -- the one whose paranoid bars are always disappearing to be replaced by new ones or rolled-up paper bags marked "DIVIDeR-DIVIDeR" -- lost most of their AmEx brand paranoid bars (after only about a month!) and has replaced them with CLEAR PLASTIC ONES. I think this is so that they can gradually increase them to two feet tall without you noticing because they're also becoming invisible. Then when they're completely invisible, nobody will be able to steal 'em! Especially since they'll weigh about 500 pounds each by then. > and began unloading. I cast a suspicious glare in her direction, As opposed to a friendly glare. > then placed the other paranoid bar between my things and her paranoid bar. > She looked at me kind of funny, then, when she thought I wasn't looking, > took my DIVIDeR _off of the conveyor belt_!! I quite promptly replaced my > DIVIDeR, then explained to her quite patiently that these items are mine, > and those are hers, and I don't want to wind up with her grocery divider > in my bag simply because the young man ringing up these items didn't notice > the gaping space between my things and hers. She didn't say much after that. > I popped a PEZ You misspelled "Mentos". > and she laughed, a la Mentos(tm). You misspelled "Fill it to the rim! With Brim(R)! HAW HAW HAW!" > Okay, she didn't laugh, but that woulda been cool. No, if she had been COOL, she woulda put a third paranoid bar between her paranoid bar and your paranoid bar, then put a fourth one between your body and hers, then said "AYYYYYYYY!!! SIT ON IT!!!!!!" > ~Second Verse, same as the first...The other trip was to a market much > closer to my home, and much later in the day. Around 10:30, I think. I went > into the Health and Beauty section to get some stuff for my contact lenses, Contact cement? > where I noticed the following:-> The 1/3 oz. bottle of Contact Lens Fluid is > thirty cents _more_ than the 4 oz. container, obviously because it's in a > li'l travel-size type bottle. And they're not contact lens fluid, they're > "Rewetting Drops," Which is made by squeezing refrogs. > which have the exact same composition, but come in smaller > bottles.-> Rectal... syringe. You could at least have demonstrated some respect for our intelligence by doing a clever segue. How about: "...but come in bottles, and HEY, WHAT'S UP WITH RECTAL SYRINGES?" Or, better yet, the lady could say to you "Do you wanna know where I think you should put your paranoid bar?" and you'd wail, "LADY, I CAN'T, THERE'S ALREADY A SYRINGE UP THERE!" > They kind of look like those Murine Ear Wax Removal Systems. Except I don't > think they go in yer ear. I'm still not sure if this is intended for, uh, > deposit or withdrawal. It's the severe penalty for early withdrawl. > -> Feria hair color now has pictures of MEN on a select few boxes. > YAY!! I can color my hair without turning into a girl! So I take it you can't buy Just For Men for some reason? Not old enough? > But wait, I don't want to be Dusty Blonde, I want to be Mahogany! WAAAAHHH!! Someday I want to market a line of hair-color products where all the colors are actually named after hair, not exotic woods or berries. In descending order of lightness: * Fuzzy Mildew White * Really Fake Looking Yellow * Athletic Shirt-Based Navel Lint Gray * Undercooked Diner Toast Tawny * Bozo Red * Chimp Brown * Used Motor Oil Black * (Hair-Like Vegetable)-Like Hair -- K. I want to know why they don't make a dye that lets you have clear hair. You know, the color of Future floor polish. It would be like having fiber-optics coming out of your head, especially if you had a light bulb somewhere in your brain. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: A Brace Of Grocery Store Tales. Date: Wed, 10 Mar 1999 23:31:42 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp David DeLaney (if807@cleveland.Freenet.Edu) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) says: > > > > I want to know why they don't make a dye that lets you have clear hair. > > You know, the color of Future floor polish. It would be like > > having fiber-optics coming out of your head, especially if > > you had a light bulb somewhere in your brain. > > Or a radioactive atom. Hmm! That's a great idea. Next Halloween, instead of dessing like Archie (shaved head, red jacket worn as a cape, white shirt with "Pu239" drawn on it several times in magic marker, aluminum suitcase) I'll just carve a Plut-O-Lantern. It would be a pumpkin only bald and with the world's tiniest candle inside. And then the candle would give off a single photon and turn into a bar of lead. And then they'd bring back NBC's "seaQuest DSV". Well, okay, maybe that won't happen. But I will carve a pumpkin to look like Archie and his tiny glowing radioactive brain next Halloween. Provided that I bother buying one. > Dave "_I_ want to have _X-ray-colored_ hair for Halloween!" DeLaney Eh. I want neutrino-colored hair. TAKE A LOOK AT THESE NEUTRINOS, BABY!!! By the way, sci-fi writers like talking about things that are made out of solid wads of neutrons, called "neutronium". So how come nobody ever sticks together some neutrinos to make neutrinoium? I think that would be cool because neutrinoium would be completely solid but you still wouldn't be able to feel it or see it. BUT YOU COULD EAT IT!!! -- K. aka Luciferrous Neutrinoium ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: GET AWAY FROM MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!111!!! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 10 Mar 1999 06:21:56 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > Stupid Damn Dream: > > Last night I dreamt that about fifty kibologists, including Kibo of > course, invaded my place of employement and took it over. Hey Leah! Are you really hiring? If so, sign me up for all fifty jobs. The salaries will go to my fifty Swiss bank accounts, whose numbers I have memorized so that only I can pick the money up when I am reincarnated ten billion years in the future, after the world has been destroyed except for Swiss banks. > Now, although this is a funny concept, I will beg you all openly to > please not show up in droves at my office demanding access to the > network so's you can "feed it magic bottle caps". Youuuu cannnn opennnn themmmm jusssst byyyyy twistinnnnnggg themmmmm!!!!! LOOOOOOOK, THE ORBITZZZZZ ISSSS FULLLLLL OF DOTSSSSSSSS!!! ANNNND THE PENNNNNTAGONNNNNNNNN ISSSSSSS FULLLLLLLL OF HEXAGONNNNSSSSSSSSS!!!! > I will also ask you nicely please to not replace all the coffee > machines with pappadam despensers. That would be neat. Did you have the plain kind or the asafetiday kind? They're both good, but the asafetida-and-black-pepper kind (one brand lists it as "BLACK PAPER" in the ingredients) tend to get holes in 'em when you cook 'em. By the way, the easiest way to make delicious papadums is: 1.) Spray both sides of a papadum with aerosol canola oil. 2.) Put it on a paper towel and microwave it for about 50 seconds, until it's all bumpy. 3.) Eat. Repeat. NO DEEP FRYING NEEDED! AND YOU GET TO USE AN AEROSOL CAN! COOL! > And if I actually come to work one day and find a giant photo of Desi > Arnaz Jr. on the lobby wall,, cakehole all agape, KIBO IS GOING DOWN. > No questions asked. What about Lucie Arnaz, who's married to the evil Sybok? What about Little Ricky, the little kid that Desi Sr. purchased to use on TV? What about Mr. Mooney and the Countess and Mary Jane? What about the cheap imitations of Fred & Ethel that showed up on "Pefect Strangers" ("Get this: Desi marries Balki!" "I love it! Here, have too much money!") and "Laverne & Shirley" ("They live across town from Ritchie and Potsie, only Ritchie and Potsie live in the fifties, and Laverne & Shirley live in the late sixties!" "I love it! Here, have too much money!")? What about the soap-suds machine that Lucy accidentally switches on in the pilot of "Life With Lucy" after she carefully feeds Gale Gordon's paper necktie into the pasta machine while he bends over it and holds still for five minutes? And what about Desi Jr.'s only on-camera appearance in the original "I Love Lucy", as one of the kids in the crowd in the final episode, "The Ricardos Dedicate A Statue"? Well? IF YOU CANNOT ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO NOT HIRE ME NOW!!!! > Y'all are just a big bunch of pointless human beans. Get out of my > brane before I kick y'all's collective hineys. We'll keep our hineys in your brain, thank you. It's where our butts belong. > But you know I say this with nothing but pure love and affection. I wuv you too. But with 93% love and 7% rusk (flour, textured soy protein, monosodium glutamate, calcium disodium EDTA.) > Your Bestest Bestest Friend EVER in the WHOLE WORLD and UNIVERSE THE END! > -Leah Waah! Leah ended the Universe before my turn!!!! You come back here and undestroy the Universe or I'm tellin' Mommy! -- K. This is the part of the comic strip where all the hapless victims' souls make squiggly dashed lines all the way to HELL! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: GET AWAY FROM MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!111!!! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 11 Mar 1999 10:39:00 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David Pacheco (david_pacheco@lineone.net) wrote: > > KISSES! > > -dp. > Lollipop, lollipop > oh lolly lolly lolly > lollipop, lollipop > oh lolly lolly lolly > LOLLIPOP! > <* POP! *> > Ba dum dum dum > Lollipop, lollipop... THIS kind OF bathroom HUMOR has NO place HERE on ALT.religion.KIBOLOGY, you FILTHY preVERTED litTLE... oh, wait, you said "<* POP! *>" with one "O". Never mind. -- K. How does that verse about the Good Ship Lollipop's pop deck go? And can they please go back to showing "Small Wonder" all the time? ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Hey Mr. Kibo! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 10 Mar 1999 06:30:10 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Darla" (darla4695@sprynet.com) wrote: > > Excuse me, I realize I don't have an appointment. However, I am short of > time, as I am of most things here in CahnYaDa. Please stop making fun of the way Jerry Lawler would talk if he were Canadian, Mr. Kaufman. Mr. Lawler is not from Canada. He is from Mahayemphayeyus, Tayuh-Nayuh-Sayuh. I hope this clears up any confusion you may be suffering as an after-effect of that "pile driver". > My Best Beloved wants to use a Roman font on our garden wedding > invitations. I think having a dorky Roman font in the middle of the thing > is going to look stupid--- like we're advocating birdbaths, or like we're > saying we're going to be drinking out of one of those "Tower of Champagne > Glasses" things they have at cheesy Irish weddings. Be sure to do a tower of Orbitz. Especially if you pick all the dots out of Orbitz and put the dots in some Zima and have the dotted Zima cascading over Mentos and Pez. Also give the guests a form to fill out where they can specify whether their dinner selection is lutefisk with asafetida or lutefisk without asafetida. And on every table there's a Jack-o-Lantern with a candle burning inside a hollowed-out laughing durian. > He says you are a World Authority on Roman fonts, and can tell me what he > means. Well, I'm only an authority on GOOFY fonts, but here's what I think you want to hear: Adobe's Trajan is a faithful adaptation of the traditional Roman monumental capitals from circa 100 AD. Don't scale it horizontally or make the letterspacing tight, it has to stay loose. It would mix nicely with other calligraphic letters, such as a fifteenth-century chancery cursive (Bitstream Cataneo and Adobe Trajan would be a very nice mix.) If you don't have 'em, just do everything in Futura Black and nobody will notice. -- K. Don't forget to have a big pi–ata filled with bees. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: IT WON'T STOP SNOWING! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 10 Mar 1999 06:37:01 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Lots42 (lots42@aol.com) wrote: > > IT just keeps snowing and snowing and snowing and I can't walk to the grocery > store and PIZZA HUT ONLY HAS ONE DRIVER SO THEY CAN'T DELIVER!!! Also they just paid $50,000 for a brand-new oven and they won't cook you any pizza because that would eventually wear it out. And remember, THIS winter -- IT won't stop snowing! IT keeps getting colder! You'll fall off the edge of your seat with fright when you see A MOVIE BY JOE MICHAEL BAY, "IT -- THE TERROR IN THE SKY!" With William Shatner as the defrocked priest, Ernest Borgnine as Satan, and Sam Neill as Extra Crispy Satan From The Planet Neptune! -- K. I was going to say "YOU'LL LAUGH, YOU'LL CRY, ARCHIE PU LOVES PIE", but then the Ernie Fosselius reference would have collided with "Pizza Hut can't deliver!" and I would have had "Spaceballs", and then I would have turned into Ezio Greggio and you'd have to kill me before that happened so I'm glad I didn't. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Beable's Sekrit Identity? Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Wed, 10 Mar 1999 08:32:54 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Aaron A. (doctoraaron@mindless.com) wrote: > > I went searchengineing for "doots" and came upon this... > > http://members.wbs.net/homepages/d/o/o/dooots.html I like the way they set up all those one-letter subdirectories just in case their copy of Win95 breaks when they get 512 other users with names that start with doo. HONEY DOO DONUTS! WE START WITH DOO! > Description: > > > > Dooots I am doots, and have lived in London for all of my 24 summers. > > And the hit counter proudly displayed: 000001. No it doesn't!!! It says 000002!!! Your lyeing !!!!111 Y0U"R SUCKZ !!!!!!111 -- K. You also forgot to mention that the big image at the top of his page is a F0R-0H-F0RE ERRER, D00D !!!11 ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: EMAIL listen on phone any where free Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 11 Mar 1999 08:34:16 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor This is the saddest ad I've seen this week on Usenet. a) every single word is misspelled. b) It's from a WebTV. c) It's for a really bozotic product -- paying to have a computer read your E-mail to you aloud over the phone. d) The ad uses HTML *and* MIME Quoted-Printable encoding. e) The ad has the theme song to the "Mortal Kombat" video game in his .sig. f) You have to pay extra if you get more than sixty minutes of E-mail (read aloud) each month. Gee, one WebTV signature would cost you big. "LESS THAN EMBED SRC EQUAL SIGN THREE DEE DOUBLE QUOTE AITCH TEE TEE PEE COLON SLASH SLASH DOUBLE YOU DOUBLE YOU DOUBLE YOU PERIOD AIUSA PERIOD COM SLASH DMCWACK SLASH MIDI SLASH MORTAL UNDERSCORE K PERIOD MID DOUBLE QUOTE AUTOSTART EQUAL SIGN THREE-DEE TRUE GREATER THAN" (And I hate to think what would happen if I got mail from Manley Hubbell.) g) Okay, I can understand that it's obviously necessary for the signature to tell us "HAVE A GOOD DAY & FUN ON THE WEB" once, but twice? And what if I don't want to have fun on the Web? The Web is SERIOUS! h) And this ad has introduced us to the meme "webtv thanks!" -- K. WEBTV THANKS! And remember, kids, UNIX DOESN'T THANK! In alt.online-service.webtv, "amara masters" (TIGERI@webtv.net) wrote: > Subject: EMAIL listen on phone any where free > > --WebTV-Mail-2098451023-7886 > Content-Type: Text/Plain; Charset=ISO-8859-1 > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > > sign up it works with webtv > you get 60 mins free each month to listen to your e mail. it works i'm > shut of my other email addeys. CoolMail. =A0 Hear. =A0 There. =A0 > Everywhere.(sm) E-mail by phone - http://planetarymotion.com > the number u call is free no charege only when the 60 mins is up > > it also checks pop mail > you can also reply on the phone to the person send a voice meassage > it works > webtv thanks > cool mail works > CoolMail. =A0 E-mail http://planetarymotion.com > > > --WebTV-Mail-2098451023-7886 > Content-Description: signature > Content-Disposition: Inline > Content-Type: Text/HTML; Charset=ISO-8859-1 > Content-Transfer-Encoding: quoted-printable > > > > autostart=3Dtrue> > > > > > > > HAVE A GOOD DAY & FUN ON THE WEB =A0 =A0 =A0 =A0 =A0 =A0 =A0 =A0 =A0 =A0 > =A0 =A0 =A0 BYE > Mortal Combat > > HAVE A GOOD DAY & FUN ON THE WEB =A0 =A0 =A0 =A0 =A0 =A0 =A0 > =A0 =A0 =A0 =A0 =A0 =A0 BYE > > > --WebTV-Mail-2098451023-7886-- ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.geo.geology,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: KwH?Sf Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 11 Mar 1999 09:21:04 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.geo.geology, Manley Hubbell (Manley.Hubbell@hubert.rain.com) attempted discourse with the primitive Earth-based communicants: > Wednesday Solar Flares & Kill Whos Hours 30 ? 12 Tp ? KWhr > Mercury position contributers > 99 march 19 inferior & misaligned above Sun by degrees > 99 may 25 superior & aligned with Galatic GW degrees I agree, except you misspelled "Giant Flying Diaper" and "dried Orbitz". I like the part about the laughter-encrusted evertible galosh, though. > --------------------------------------------------------------- > solar cycles (10.4years) in yr's => {not aligned exact} > <7..|..8..|..9..|.2000|..1..|..2..|..3..|..4..|..5..|..6..|> > - Cycle 21 began June `76 Cycle 22 began Sept `86 > 180 \ -^\ Cycle 23 should start about ? `97 > 160 \ / \ and should peek = 120+80 > 140 / ~~~~~~~~~ \ about year (2000) > 120 / \ to 2002 > 100 / ...... \ > 80 / . . \ /\ > 60 ? / . / . | > 40 / . / . \ > 20 / . . MEAN of CYCLE 8-20 \ . > Rz(Smoothed Sunspot) ref Radio Electronics Dec 1988 pg 38 I especially like that you've taken the Translucent Pez factor into account. But what about the pustulated existence of the secret covariable max factor? > ========================= excuses ============================= > Well? I would have ploted some data for Cycle 23 if i could have > accessed it on the "Nex". However, I could not, as it was tightly > guarded secret, in Nexscaper form or else Inline to not be > downloadable. But enough. I agree! > Anyway Yesterday on National TV thay ran a "S" Story about the > Sun, Ch 8 NBC at the start of the Local News also said they would > RUN that story in the 11PM slot, but I watched it all, just to see > that and NOT ONE WORD.Woo Wll? You misspelled "goo gix". Hope this helps. > I did get a couple of notes taken > from Two different TV cahnnels on the "S"'s both using KEY words > of Billion & Ton. The first reported the energy realesed from an S > event{ on the Sun?} as a "Billion MegaTon of TNT". The other story > had it that "a Billion Ton's of matter" would be ejected from the > "S" source and travling at { i missed the exact speed of the T } > hit on earth and cause some Electrical Malady{melody?} MIDImorg? Oh, great, now I'm going to go around chanting "A BILLION TONS OF S HIT T! A BILLION TONS OF S HIT T!" all day. As usual. Also, did you catch the special report on The Polyhedral Waffle Nozzle Channel? > Anyway, yeah, yeah, well whatever, in connection with Earth's > HO^2 half life it seams to me a billion MegaTon's of H+ Hitting > the LA freeway would dampen the Jokes on late Night TV. Some? > Oh sure I donno where the o^2 comes from but minor details can > be added by the "soecial effects crew{ at night} so no bither. I agree, except that those things that come out of Javid Lennoman's mouth while you're asleep aren't actually jokes, they're SECRETS. THAT'S WHY HE'S ONLY ALLOWED TO SAY THEM AT NIGHT!!! > Anyway 2: the SSAG has been between -8 and +2 for Months & > Months & months, well days anyway, and I've yet to see my second > sun spot pair of the cycle 23, so HA. compare that to 22 where > I made pages & pages & pages f drawings of the various sightings Please post the pages but not the pages or the other pages. Then count to ten and say "adHAvance" after each correct anti-prediction. Pants should not be involved, unless your answers are written on them. If so, just post the pants. > Yes Yes, of course I was getting SSAG reading back in `86 > and even recorded many of the events myself ( on 8 track ) but alas > EVEN though I knew the almost exact minuit when S/L-9 inpacted > Jupiter, still I did not have the exact time of arival { at the > SSAG detector } of the GW inpulse, though according to my guess- > timeation it would have been big enought to record, if only I knew > when to start the Recording. ahhhh the fobiles of human humming. > _____________Line 50 99-3-10 10:25 A.M. No it isn't! It's 4:21 A.M. right now! Your lyeing !!!!11 -- K. SA-WORDS-LAD ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: sci.geo.geology,alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: KwH?Sf Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 12 Mar 1999 08:06:19 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor In sci.geo.geology and alt.religion.kibology, Christof Kuhn (h9440283@edv1.boku.ac.at) wrote: > > I'd really appreciate if anybody (e.g. Manley) had the slightest idea of > what is written here. I guarantee you, nobody knows, especially Manley. He has that very special form of schizowackyphrenia where one neologizes and clang-associates so much that he becomes TOO creative for anyone to comprehend. Postmodernists would say this is good. I would say that postmodernists are bad. But I like Manley because I identify with him, because neither of us knows what he's saying. All's I can say is that if you were to put all the scientifically-interested people in the world in a line in order of specialness, from where we are standing Manley would be somewhere in the distance and we wouldn't be able to see him behind Archimedes Plutonium. > He's been posting these strange texts for at least half a year. I wouldn't call most of 'em "texts". Some are 95% slashes and hyphens and dots and stuff. If they had more words or word-like objects in them you could classify them as "word salads", but I think the term "explosion in the ASCII warehouse" would be more apropos. His principal thesis seems to be something about a Jolly Brown Dwarf that is either causing massive earthquakes or a little zigzag. And there's something about an "O!blartor" too, which frightens me. It sounds like a gizmo that would squirt warm ice cream at you when you're not expecting it. As to why he posts this only to the geology newsgroup, your guess is as good as mine. Heck, your guess is probably BETTER than mine because I've read all of his articles and therefore my brain no longer works reliably. > Very creative comments, James! :-) > > Cheers, Christof Hey, I liked that movie you made where this guy got to be on TV 24 hours a day and got to hang around with Woody Harrelson and that guy who made "Apollo 13"... Bill Mumy. I think you should buy the rights to Manley's life story and turn it into a six-hour movie. (After all, Hollywood ran out of good ideas a long time ago, so the time is right to do a movie of Manley Hubbell's life.) We could get Archimedes Plutonium to play Manley Hubbell! I'd pay to see that. Especially if it's only in a movie, not in real life. -- K. I have the most interesting experiment cooking in my kitchen right now... I have discovered that it is possible to have red lentils suspended above the pot entirely by the foam they generate. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Tetris Jr. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 11 Mar 1999 09:55:12 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > Tetris Jr. is a great invention. > > Due to the block-oriented nature of the game, it's probably the > only keychain-sized game I'll ever be able to play; any other game > I'll be like "is that tiny black blob Mario or Darth Vader?" or > "Where's the black microdot that's supposed to be the baseball?" > A possible exception is a keychain Simon game. > > Also, I can fit it in my mouth. > > TETRIS JR: THE TETRIS THAT FITS IN YOUR MOUTH! > > The logical conclusion is, Tetris Jr. is the only game I've ever played > that can fit in my mouth. VIDEO OR OTHERWISE! So I take it you've never played a real grown-up game involving, like, dice? As in craps? NICK IS SCARED TO PUT CRAPS IN NICK'S MOUTH!!! I made this follow-up just to win a bar bet that I could say "something something something CRAPS IN NICK'S MOUTH!" within five minutes. You people all owe me money. -- K. And don't try to weasel out of it by pointing out that it's not a regulation-sized mouth. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Tetris Jr. Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 12 Mar 1999 07:50:49 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > > > The logical conclusion is, Tetris Jr. is the only game I've ever played > > that can fit in my mouth. VIDEO OR OTHERWISE! > > That's nothing. > Desi Arnaz Jr. can fit an entire coin-op version of Berzerk in his mouth and > still have room for sandwiches. Are you saying that he eats sandwiches while somehow avoiding mastication of his Berzerk console, or that he just stores sandwiches there and sells them to people who put quarters in his nostrils? If true, I am refusing to ever again eat any sandwiches because some sandwiches somewhere may once have been in Desi Jr.'s mouth. And speaking of nostrils, Judd Nelson can fit a "Twilight Zone" pinball machine in each of his nostrils... AND the "Magnificent Marble Machine" lives in the hole where the part of his brain that controls his acting ability isn't. -- K. I will pay $100 to the first person who sends me a good-quality tape of the episode of "Magnificent Marble Machine" where the guy split his pants in front of JoAnne Worley. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Question... Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 11 Mar 1999 10:02:49 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor "Vice Admiral Acker" (ViceAdmiralAcker@rotfl.com) wrote: > > I know I might be asking the FORBIDDEN QUESTION, but, what IS Kibology? There are no forbidden questions with Kibology. Hey, you're allowed. -- K. But remember, anything not forbidden costs fifty bucks. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: soc.libraries.talk,alt.religion.kibology,alt.sci.physics.plutonium,sci.physics From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Life Online - Hoboes Take to the Cyberspace Highway Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 11 Mar 1999 10:14:00 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Followup-To: alt.religion.kibology In soc.libraries.talk, Kaleem Witcher (kaleemw@no-spam.yahoo.com) wrote: > > MSNBC takes a look at "Life Online - Hoboes Take to the Cyberspace > Highway" (http://www.msnbc.com/news/244415.asp) Okra P. Dingle checks > his email most everyday. Like hustling spare change, hopping freight > trains or finding a dry sleeping spot, the Internet has become a regular > part of his hobo lifestyle. Dingle is one of a contingent of homeless > people homesteading cyberspace, thanks mostly to free public libraries. Hey! Don Saklad is *not* homeless! He just can't remember where he lives. > But their homesteading has created dilemmas for librarians, who are > generally sympathetic and want to see their libraries open to all kinds > of users. A special report from Margie Wylie. It'll be worse once Archimedes Plutonium learns about this. He'll be able to quit his prestigious dishwashing job and spend 24 hours a day in the Dartmouth library. You forgot to quote the best paragraph of the article: -> "I do this in every city," Dingle smiles, the silver ball of a tongue -> piercing clicking lightly against his teeth, giving him a faint lisp. -> "It's really catching on. You go to a library, and I'd say about 30 -> percent of people using the Net are homeless." ...maybe they should set up a special section, say a third of the library, just for pierced homeless nerds. -- K. I was going to point out that "Okra P. Dingle" is a truly bozotic made-up name, but then I mentioned Archimedes Plutonium. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology,soc.libraries.talk From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Life Online - Hoboes Take to the Cyberspace Highway Date: Fri, 12 Mar 1999 21:49:41 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Re an alleged news story about homeless persons using the Internet via public libraries... Mark Hill (mhill@epicentre.net) wrote: > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) writes: > > > > ...maybe they should set up a special section, say a third of the library, > > just for pierced homeless nerds. > > They should install webtv's in the library. But then they'd have to install TVs. And then you could go to the library to watch TV. And all librarians know that watching TV rots your brain. This is why no serious academic libraries carry the complete set of 539 "Star Trek" novels!!! Also, WebTVs are kind of bad at displaying text. If the libraries want to maintain its Serious Text-Oriented status, and not slide down the slippery slope into TeeVeeLand, they should install Internet terminals that are optimized for text output: 132-column teletypes. With that special green bar paper because colored stripes make serious literature easier to read. And because they would be loud enough that you could hear them everywhere in the library except for the basement, they could install special amplifiers on the teletypes to ensure that the people in the basement know where to find the teletypes. And to keep paper costs down, they could just make the green-bar paper into a big loop that goes through all the teletypes and then back into the first one. I think that someday this could replace all books! Provided all books went away for some other reason. And so did all other ideas for replacing them. And provided they started publishing "Star Trek" novels in green-bar form. -- K. Hmm, I forgot to patent this idea, I hope Archie doesn't steal it. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Northwestern Kibology Meat Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 11 Mar 1999 10:48:10 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > Leah Verre (fleabite@seanet.com) wrote: > > > > Nick .. you are the world's only 21-year old fuddy-duddy, I swear to GOD. > > This was apparent when I went to the Gameworks and saw the teenagers > laughing at the classic machines, which they even have arranged with > stools, as if to say "if you're old enough to want to play these games, > you probably won't be able to stand through the whole thing." Nick, you foggy-doggy, they weren't laughing at the old video games, they were laughing at Y O U ! Also, those weren't stools, those were other members of your age group who have clutched joysticks for so many years that they have become permanently deformed misshapen little dwarves with flat padded heads. VIDEO GAMES ARE THE NUMBER ONE CORRUPTER OF OUR NATION'S YOUTH OTHER THAN POOL HALLS AND VAUDEVILLE AND FAST WOMEN!!!! I'm just happy that today I got a digital version of the colored plastic overlay for my Solar Quest emulator. Solar Quest was a black-and-white game which had a tiny dot of yellow cellophane glued to the center of the screen. So now I can slap this picture of a yellow dot on my screen and have the real arcade Solar Quest experience right down to the crappiness. -- K. Also I want to know where my Activision "seaQuest" patch is, I mailed in my Polaroid of my score THREE WEEKS AGO!!!! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Northwestern Kibology Meat Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Thu, 11 Mar 1999 10:56:57 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Nick S Bensema (nickb@primenet.com) wrote: > > Leah Verre (leahv@humongous.com) wrote: > > > > "Bill J, Edinburgh" (maestro@cix.co.uk) wrote: > > > > > > Please also define kibology. > > > > AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA > > AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!!!!!! > > !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! > > THE CLOWN ON FIRE IN BED. In that order. The other way around would be WRONG. Zork Melinda (smjames@my-dejanews.com) wrote: > > BURNING CLOWNS ALL OVER YOUR SCREEN!!!22!2!! No, Kibology makes burning clowns come out of EVERYONE ELSE'S SCREEN! -- K. The Internet is the best thing to ever happen to stupidity. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Northwestern Kibology Meat Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 12 Mar 1999 07:46:16 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Terri Willis (twillis@sound.net) wrote: > > In article <7c720g$8q4$7@plutonium.compulink.co.uk>, > "Bill J, Edinburgh" wrote: > > > > Please also define kibology. > > Kibology? You're soaking in it! Yes, Terri, we are all soaking in it. Up to our armpits. Hey, wait a minute -- KIBOLOGY'S TOUCHING ME WHERE MY BATHING SUIT COVERS! BAD TOUCH! BAD TOUCH! Also, Terri, you forgot to mention that (a) Mr. Edinburgh's middle initial has a comma after it and not the usual period (which I believe is 28 days) and (b) Mr. Edinburgh's Message-ID has plutonium in it! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY! MOMMY THE DEADLY PLUTONIUM'S TOUCHING ME WHERE MY KIBOLOGY DOESN'T COVER!!! -- K. I am boiling red lentils, a process which turns them beige. Where does the red go? SCIENCE REFUSES TO HELP ME! ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Apparent human brain found in truck Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Fri, 12 Mar 1999 08:25:19 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor > HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif., March 11 (UPI) -- Police are investigating > the discovery of a jar containing what appears to be half a human brain > in the back of a pickup truck that was abandoned in Southern California. HEY ARCHIE! THEY FOUND IT! YOU CAN PICK IT UP IN LOST & FOUND! > Police say employees of a tow shop found the glass jar under debris > in the back of the blue 1962 Dodge pickup truck as they got ready to > prepare it for sale. > The truck was abandoned Jan. 14 in Huntington Beach, about 35 miles > south of downtown Los Angeles. > Police detective Steve Mack says, ``It could clearly be something > from a laboratory, a pathology lab, that somebody took years ago and > misplaced and kept. I don't believe there's any crime involved. It's not > like there's another Jeffrey Dahmer or Hannibal Lecter out there running > around.'' > Police have called in the Orange County Coroner's Office to try to > determine where the brain came from and how long it was in the jar. I'm just wondering where the other half of the brain is. What would YOU do with half a brain? Besides enjoy the live-action "Baby Huey" movie, of course. -- K. They could probably have sold the 37-year-old truck for more money if they had left the brain there. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Apparent human brain found in truck Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sat, 13 Mar 1999 08:13:23 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor Yesterday I reported that the vast faceless heartless conglomerate we call The Media reported this: > > HUNTINGTON BEACH, Calif., March 11 (UPI) -- Police are investigating > the discovery of a jar containing what appears to be half a human brain > in the back of a pickup truck that was abandoned in Southern California. Well, today they provided further proof that Kibo's Rule Of Zork Interpretation is true: > SANTA ANA, Calif., March 12 (UPI) -- Investigators say half of a brain > discovered in a glass jar in a pickup truck that was abandoned in > Southern California wasn't human as originally thought. Well, was the other half human, at least? Anyway, those of us who played a lot of Zork in the eighties knew it wasn't human the moment the computer typed out "...what appears to be half a human brain..." You see a doorway leading to what appears to be an empty room. > ENTER ROOM The room is filled with deadly invisible bees! You flail at them with your pathetic little arms. The bees appear to be retreating. > WHEW But they only appeared to be retreating because you're wearing your BackwardsVision goggles. You're a bozo! The bees sting you! You are dead. Do you want to see your score, which is 0 out of a possible 37? (y/n) In other words, the word "appears" appears to always mean the opposite of whatever you think it means. Even if you take my rule into account. Which you should, because my rule appears to work. -- K. Think about it: "Bob Hope _appeared_ in a K-Mart commercial..." ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Color Blindness could ruin your life in WEIRD ways! Date: Fri, 12 Mar 1999 22:31:42 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp After reading this manifesto published by the developers of that color-blindness test where you have to look at the polka-dotted numbers in the polka-dotted circle, I'm sure glad I ain't color-blind. From Ishihara's Web site: > The color-deficient person's vision > > Color vision deficiencies bother affected children from the earliest > years. At school, coloring can become a difficulty when one has to take > the blue crayon -and not the pink one- to color the ocean. But... but... if you're color-blind, and you color the ocean pink, it will look fine to you! It's the OTHER people who are incapable of accepting the pink ocean! It's THEIR problem, not yours! > Later on he will be unable to : > > * interpret some chemical reactions > * see that litmus paper turns red by acid > * identify a material by the color of its flame such as lead blue or > potassium purple. Hey! Archimedes Plutonium is NOT color-blind! He's just incapable of doing chemistry experiments for OTHER reasons. > When cooking, red deficient individuals cannot tell whether their piece of > meat is raw or well done. Neither can they make the difference between > green and ripe tomatoes or between ketchup and chocolate syrup. Especially because the labels on the ketchup and chocolate syrup bottles are always printed in red dotted letters on a green dotted background. > Some food can even look definitely disgusting to them. Yeah, pepperoni pizza looks like it has numbers all over it! > For example, people with a green deficiency cannot possibly eat spinach > which to them just look like cow pat. You saw it here, folks. No person with color vision problems has EVER eaten spinach, because spinach leaves are shaped exactly like cow flop. And, of course, you get a green deficiency if you DON'T eat your spinach. (Hey, I probably wouldn't enjoy being color-blind. But being told that I wouldn't be able to tell spinach from cow dung without color vision is just plain insulting. Is this the reason there are no black-and-white shows on TV any more, because everyone thought that everything looked like cow poop?) > They can however distinguish some citrus fruits. > Oranges seem to be of a brighter yellow than that of lemons. The government should pass a rule that spinach should always have a lemon sitting on top of it and all cow patties should have oranges sitting on top of them for the convenience of the insane color-blind people who are eating things they may or may not have found in the middle of a cow pasture!!! > To them, purple looks like a dark blue that is almost black and red is a > very dark gray that is also almost black. Some of them cannot appreciate a > rainbow because they can only see two light colors, blue and yellow. Whereas the rest of us can see ALL the colors in the rainbow, including infrared, ultraviolet, X-rays, gamma rays, Blondlot's N rays, and of course the invisible death rays. (If you can't see the invisible rays, you might be invisible-impaired! See your doctor. Unless your doctor is also invisible.) > When driving, they only distinguish traffic lights from street lights in > terms of brightness. Moreover, rear lights make it difficult for them to > tell whether a car is coming or going away. Apparently they don't have depth perception either. > They cannot tell whether a woman is wearing lipstick or not. OH, THE HORROR, THE HORROR! Color-blind men must be rebuffed by a lot of lesbians. > More difficult to handle for some is the inability to make the difference > between a blue-eyed blonde and a green-eyed redhead. And the color-blind men go right for those lesbians with the orange eyes and green hair. Hey, maybe Bozo The Clown just looks that way 'cause he's color-blind! Maybe he's not aware that he looks like a bozo! We better haul him in for testing. > When at the beach with a redhead woman whose skin cannot be exposed to the > sun for a long time, a color deficient person will not be able to warn her > if she is having a sunburn. COLOR BLINDNESS MAKES OTHER PEOPLE INCAPABLE OF FEELING THEIR OWN SUNBURN!!! > However, they distinguish faded and gray colors much better and they even > appear attractive to them. So Bob Hope is handsome if you're color-blind? -- K. I just worry that although they test for color-blindness in elementary school to ensure that you can enjoy spinach as much as the other kids, they don't test for taste deficiencies that would be at LEAST as important as far as keeping you from accidentally eating cow flop. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: Color Blindness could ruin your life in WEIRD ways! Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 3051 centons, 52 microns, 0.04 abians X-Face: 8"g"L\_0@_U(>UXK.Z1O&I/2Z"{u:Z$yd/};V7:nDV/M9[vY5}WEW|9~k.,.1@Dt Date: Sat, 13 Mar 1999 10:25:47 GMT Url-Of-Www.dot.kibo.dot.com: http://www.kibo.com Organization: Stately Kibo Manor David DeLaney (dbd@gatekeeper.vic.com) wrote: > > David J. Crowe (crowe@radiks.net) wrote: > > > > James "Kibo" Parry (kibo@world.std.com) wrote: > > > > > > Whereas the rest of us can see ALL the colors in the rainbow, > > > including infrared, ultraviolet, X-rays, gamma rays, Blondlot's N rays, > > > and of course the invisible death rays. > > > > Technically neutrino rays are considered a type of death ray, but I think > > they deserve to be mentioned. > > > > Don't forget the neutrino rays! In your grocer's frozen food section. They're neutritiously deadlytastic! I'm going to keep saying things are "blank-tastic" until people start assuming that "tastic" is a word of its own: "Drink Tab. Tab is TOTALLY TASTIC!" 'cause that would be like totally tarded. > Well, neutrino rays are in a separate rainbow; they don't interact electro- > magnetically _AT ALL_! Except above 80-some GeV temperatures, where elecricity > is the same as weakness. > > Dave "gluon rainbows would be knotted and three-dimensional" DeLaney I think it would look something like a hexaflexagon made out of a strip of adding-machine paper with colored candy dots glued to it by Necco employees. > PS: Matt McIrvin is probably on his coffee break. He's not interested in SCIENCE any more. Now he has a job with COMPUTERS! -- K. But I forget whether or not computers are less cool than science. ----------------------------------------------------- Newsgroups: alt.religion.kibology From: kibo@world.std.com (James "Kibo" Parry) Subject: Re: ASCII is making a comeback Date: Fri, 12 Mar 1999 22:44:28 GMT X-Battlestar-Galactica-Date: 1138 centons, 88 microns, .04 abians Organization: welcome datacomp Aaron A. (doctoraaron@mindless.com) wrote: > > Today was an exceptionally slow day at work, and I left my > Harlequin^H^H^H^H^H^H^H^Carl Sagan novels at home, so I started on one of our > Computer-Based Training courses. These courses cover the finer points of our > research and ordering systems, so they really don't need pictures. Or DO > THEY?At many points in the courses, cutesy ASCII pictures are given, ranging > from stop signs to sailboats, and yes, ASCII ladies and gents. Here is a > breif selection from the Bank's gallery.Larry Walker's bowling alley is > looking for a statement that cuts off at the end of the fiscal year, but > their next statement isn't due for two weeks...[proprietary info snipped] > Kyoot picture | V _ (_) | /|- ======================================= > ()^ > [] / \ > [] [] > [] =======================================I'm > not sure if this is an exact reproduction; I'm doing this by memory. Anybody > care to nitpick the details on this one? I'll start: 1. Tom Servo's arms > can't handle a bowling ball.Continuing, we have: _________ / ( + ) \ > +=======================================+ | | | KibODAK ====== | | > 91399 mm / /\ \ | | / / \ \ | | \ \ / / ___ | | \ \/ / | | | > | ==== |___| | | | +=======================================+Please pick > one:(1) *CLICK!* Ha ha ahahahahaha!! Now I have your SOULS!!(2) Warning: > Objects on UseNet are larger than they appear.(3) Now using Beable > Industries' Advanced Wakkiness System, to give > > -----------== Posted via Deja News, The Discussion Network ==---------- > http://www.dejanews.com/ Search, Read, Discuss, or Start Your Own You know, I would assume you were doing a clever parody, but I remember that once you let it slip that you really do own a WebTV. Also, you could have used a colon instead of a period to make the catfish have two eyes, or a semicolon if you want to give Bob Hope's nose to the catfish. -- K. Let's all give Bob Hope's nose to the catfish in our hearts and minds.