Eat a live frog, every morning, and nothing worse will happen to you all day. A fly by night leaves no shadow beyond a doubt. I'll smoke when the pope's wife takes the pill. Beauty times brains equals a constant. Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be. --Herb Caen How much does it cost to ride an IO bus? 2 Bits. Designed with your mind in mind by people who have in mind what you should have in mind. "That we can comprehend the little we know already is mindboggling in itself." -- Tom Gates Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny. Hell hath no fury like a woman beaten out of a million dollars. When the only tool you have is a hammer, it is tempting to treat everything as if it were a nail. Don't try to have the last word. You might get it. A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits. "We are getting into semantics again. If we use words, there is a very grave danger they will be misinterpreted." -- H. R. Haldeman, testifying in his own defense. Person who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought. Long computations which yield 0 (zero) are probably all for naught. Person who arrives at party two hours late will probably find he has been beaten to the punch. When Snow White turns on with the dwarfs she probably winds up feeling dopey. President Ford has noted that there are too many economic pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. Worth seeing? Yes, but not worth going to see. Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature. He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with two eyes. There are more old drunkards than old doctors. He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue. There is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time they make a law it's a joke. A radical is a person with both feet firmly planted in the air. How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. What is my loftiest ambition? I've always wanted to throw an egg at an electric fan. Conversation is the slowest form of human communication. Lady A: Mr. C, you are quite drunk. Mr. C.: And you are very ugly, but indisputably in the morning I will be quite sober. Your ignorance cramps my conversation. Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own. A person will sometimes devote all his life to the development of one part of his body - the wishbone. A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes. There is one thing more exasperating than a spouse who can cook and won't, and that's a spouse who can't cook and will. The famous politician was trying to save both his faces. Sex is nature's way of saying Hi!'. Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists. Biggest security gap - an open mouth. Regnant populi. (The people rule.) Pregnant ropuli. (The snake will soon lay eggs.) Ditat Deus. (God enriches.) Post proelium, praemium. (After the battle, the reward.) Facta, non verba. Sum quod eris. (I am what you will be.) Auribus teneo lupum. (I hold a wolf by the ears.) Vigilia pretium libertatis. (Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty.) Populus vult decipi. (The people like to be deceived.) Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. Forgetfulness: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience. The good die young - because they see it's no use living if you've got to be good. The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble is sex. Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldln't give it up because by that time I was too famous. Acquaintance: a person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating people to approach printed matter with distrust. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true. In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy. He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered. It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose. The plural of spouse is spice. There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me. Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them. A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you. My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her, like a bank note, for two twenties. Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing. "When a man says he had pleasure with a woman he does not mean conversation." Samuel Johnson To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools. Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it. What kind of sound does a sub-atomic duck make? Quark!! How many IBM CPUs does it take to execute a program? Ten. Nine to hold it down, and one to cut its head off. The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the neighbors. With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. The rising people, hot and out of breath, Roared round the palace: "Liberty or death!" "If death will do," the King said, "let me reign; You'll have, I'm sure, no reason to complain." Frosh: "Lemme have a 10-mfd. capacitor." Salesman: "Will you pay for it now?" Frosh: "Naw, charge it." Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official. The universe is laughing behind your back. You can call her an outdoor girl if she has the bloom of youth on her cheeks and the cheeks of youth in her bloomers. Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles. A venerable old Jewish gentleman was day-dreaming while sunning himself on a bench on the boardwalk at Alantic City. His reverie was disturbed when another man approached and asked, "Can I join you?" "What's the matter, maybe I'm, coming apart??" Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down A critic is a legless man who teaches running. It is a truly wise man who does not play leap frog with a unicorn. Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday. The decision doesn't have to be logical, it was unanimous. How can you work when the system's so crowded? HE WHO LAUGHS, LASTS. The best prophet of the future is the past. ONTOGENY RECAPITULATES PHILOGENY -- OR, IS THAT ONTOLOGY RECAPITULATES PHILOLOGY...??? Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark. To be is to do. I. Kant To do is to be. J. P. Sartre Do be do be do. F. Sinatra X E DU DX takes the place of normal sex! U E DU DX takes the place of normal sex! I do desire we may be better strangers. Assassination is the extreme form of censorship. An asylum for the sane would be empty. Council for the defence was prepared to prove: 1) He shot in self defence, 2) The police did it and stuck the gun in his hand, and 3) He was 100 miles away when it happened. The churches must learn humility as well as teach it. If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion. May you live all the days of your life. Never speak ill of yourself; your friends will always say enough on that subject. Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a congressperson can. His money is twice tainted: 'taint yours and 'taint mine. Little nips of whiskey, little drops of gin, Make a lady wonder where on earth she's bin. Living in the past has one thing in its favour - it's cheaper. Now I lay me back to sleep, The speaker's dull, the subject's deep. If he should stop before I wake, Give me a nudge for goodness' sake. Los Angeles: Seventeen suburbs in search of a city. How can I take an interest in my work when I don't like it? It's a useless but absolutely vital precaution. Speaking of poison, I'll see that you get some fresh breakfast immediately. Jay: Did you hear the one about the Polish athelete who was so proud of his gold medal that he had it bronzed? Banacek: No, how does it go? PARKINSON'S LAW: Work expands to fill the time available for its completion. PARKINSON'S LAW, MODIFIED: The junk you have will expand to fill the available space. THE PETER PRINCIPLE: In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence. CHEOPS' LAW: Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. MURPHY'S LAW: If something can go wrong, it will. WEILER'S LAW: Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself. FINAGLE'S LAW: Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse. RUDIN'S LAW: In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible. UNNAMED LAW: If it happens, it must be possible. CLARKE'S THIRD LAW: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishible from magic. GUMPERSON'S LAW: The outcome of a given desired probability will be inverse to the degree of desirability. (After a salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you had before.) * (The more a recruit knows about a given subject, the better chance * he has of being assigned to something else.) CUTLER WEBSTER'S LAW: There are two sides to every argument unless a man is personally involved, in which case there is only one. ALBRECHT'S LAW: Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well being. PATRICKS'S THEOREM: If the experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment. SKINNER'S CONSTANT: (also Fynnegan's Finagling Factor) That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or subtracted from the answer you got, gives the answer you should have gotton. HORNER'S FIVE THUMB POSTULATE: Experience varies directly with the equipment ruined. FLAOLE'S LAW OF THE PERVERSITY OF INANIMATE OBJECTS: Any inanimate object, regardless of its composition or configuration, may be expected to perform at any time - in a totally unexpected manner for reasons that are either entirely obscure or also completely mysterious. ALLEN'S AXIOM: When all else fails, read the instructions. THE SPARE PARTS PRINCIPLE: The accessability during recovery of small parts which fall from the workbench, varies directly with the size of the part, and inversely with its importance to the completion of the work underway. THE COMPENSATION COROLLARY: The experiment must be considered a success if no more than 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to obtain a correspondence with theory. THE ORDERING PRINCIPLE: Those supplies necessary for yesterday's experiment must be ordered by no later than noon tomorrow. THE ULTIMATE PRINCIPLE: By definition, when you are investigating the unknown - you do not know what you will find. THE FUTILITY FACTOR: No experiment is ever a complete failure - it can always serve as a bad example. Why did the chicken cross the road half way? He wanted to lay it on the line. System stopping for 2 minutes, 1 minute ago. YOUR SUBSYSTEM HAS DIED..... Startrek makes your sterile NEW FORTRAN H EXTENDED - GO TO STATEMENTS ARE NOW ILLEGAL. SEE ASPNEWS FOR DETAILS. Allison's Precept The best simple-minded test of expertise in a particular area is the ability to win money in a series of bets on future occurrences in that area. Corollary to Anthony's Law On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes. Army Axiom Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood. Axiom of the Pipe (Trischmann's Paradox) A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth. Baker's Law Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. Barber's Laws of Backpacking The integral of the gravitational potential taken around any loop trail you choose to hike always comes out positive. Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to exactly the point of most pressure. The weight of your pack increases in direct proportion to the amount of food you consume from it. If you run out of food, the pack weight goes on increasing anyway. The number of stones in your boot is directly proportional to the number of hours you have been on the trail. Backpacking - The size of each of the stones in your boot is directly proportional to the number of hours you have been on the trail. The remaining distance to your chosen campsite remains constant as twilight approaches. The net weight of your boots is proportional to the cube of the number of hours you have been on the trail. When you arrive at your chosen campsite, it is full. Forthoffer's Cynical Summary of Barzun's Laws 1) That which has not yet been taught directly can never be taught directly. 2) If at first you don't succeed, you will never succeed. Baxter's First Law Government intervention in the free market always leads to a lower national standard of living. Baxter's Second Law The adoption of fractional gold reserves in a currency system always leads to depreciation, devaluation, demonetization and, ultimately, to complete destruction of that currency. Baxter's Third Law In a free market good money always drives bad money out of circulation. Becker's Law It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. Beifeld's Principle The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, and (3) a better looking and richer male friend. Bicycle Law All bicycles weigh 50 pounds: A 30-pound bicycle needs a 20-pound lock and chain. A 40-pound bicycle needs a 10-pound lock and chain. A 50-pound bicycle needs no lock or chain. Blaauw's Law Established technology tends to persist in spite of new technology. Booker's Law An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. Boren's Laws 1) When in doubt, mumble. 2) When in trouble, delegate. 3) When in charge, ponder. Brien's First Law At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out. Brook's Law Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. Brown's Law of Business Success Our customer's paperwork is profit. Our own paperwork is loss. Bucy's Law Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. Bustlin' Billy's Bogus Beliefs 1) The organization of any program reflects the organization of the people who develop it. 2) There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist," only a capitalist. 3) Anything is possible, but nothing is easy. 4) Capitalism can exist in one of only two states -- welfare or warfare. 5) I'd rather go whoring than warring. 6) History proves nothing. Bye's First Law of Model Railroading Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers. Bye's Second Law of Model Railroading The desire for modeling a prototype is inversely proportional to the decline of the prototype. Cahn's Axiom When all else fails, read the instructions. Camp's Law A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place. Canada Bill Jones' Motto It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. Canada Bill Jones' Supplement A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. Cheop's Law Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. Chisholm's Law of Human Interaction Anytime things appear to be going better you have overlooked something. Chisholm's Third Law Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by others. Corollary 1: If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will. Corollary 2: If you do something which you are sure will meet with everyone's approval, somebody won't like it. Corollary 3: Procedures devised to implement the purpose won't quite work. Churchill's Commentary on Man Man will occasionally stumble over the truth but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on. I STOPPED HERE ------------------------- Clarke's First Law When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. Clarke's Second Law The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go beyond them into the impossible. Clarke's Third Law Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. Clarke's Law of Revolutionary Ideas Every revolutionary idea - in Science, Politics, Art or Whatever - evokes three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the three phrases: 1) "It is completely impossible -- don't waste my time." 2) "It is possible, but it is not worth doing." 3) "I said it was a good idea all along." Cohen's Law What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the facts -- not the facts themselves. Cole's Law Thinly sliced cabbage. Commoner's Three Laws of Ecology 1) No action is without side-effects. 2) Nothing ever goes away. 3) There is no free lunch. Cook's Law Much work -- much food, little work -- little food, no work -- burial at sea. Cornuelle's Law Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them. Crane's Law (Friedman's Reiteration) There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. Diogenes' First Dictum The more heavily a man is supposed to be taxed, the more power he has to escape being taxed. Diogenes' Second Dictum If a taxpayer thinks he can cheat safely, he probably will. Dow's Law In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the greater the confusion. Dunne's Law The territory behind rhetoric is too often mined with equivocation. Ehrman's Corollary to Ginsberg's Theorem 1) Things will get worse before they get better. 2) Who said things would get better. Ettorre's Observation The other line moves faster. Evan's Law of Politics When team members are finally in a position to help the team, it turns out they have quit the team. Everitt's Form of the Second Law of Thermodynamics Confusion (entropy) is always increasing in society. Only if someone or something works extremely hard can this confusion be reduced to order in a limited region. Nevertheless, this effort will still result in an increase in the total confusion of society at large. Extended Epstein-Heisenberg Principle In an R & D orbit, only 2 of the existing 3 parameters can be defined simultaneously. The parameters are: task, time and resources ($). Farber's First Law Give him an inch and he'll screw you. Farber's Second Law A hand in the bush is worth two anywhere else. Farber's Third Law We're all going down the same road in different directions. Farber's Fourth Law Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows. The Fifth Rule You have taken yourself too seriously. Finagle's First Law If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. Finagle's Second Law No matter what result is anticipated, there will always be someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it happened to his own pet theory. Finagle's Third Law In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. Corollary 1: No one whom you ask for help will see it. Corollary 2: Everyone who stops by with unsought advice will see it immediately. Finagle's Fourth Law Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. Finagle's Rules In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way. Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them. First Law of Bicycling No matter which way you ride it's uphill and against the wind. First Law of Bridge It's always the partner's fault. First Law of Canoeing (Alfred Andrews' Canoeing Postulate) No matter which direction you start it's always against the wind coming back. First Law of Debate Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference. First Law of Office Holders Get re-elected. Fitz-Gibbon's Law Creativity varies inversely with the number of cooks involved with the broth. Flap's Law Any inanimate object, regardless of its position or configuration, may be expected to perform at any time in a totally unexpected manner for reasons that are either entirely obscure or else completely mysterious. Fortis' Three Great Lies of Life 1) Money isn't everything. 2) It's great to be a Negro. 3) I'm only going to put it in a little way. Fourteenth Corollary of Atwood's General Law of Dynamic Negatives No books are lost by loaning except those you particularly wanted to keep. Franklin's Rule Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed. Gilb's Laws of Unreliability 1) Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Corollary: At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer. 2) Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. Ginsberg's Theorem 1) You can't win. 2) You can't break even. 3) You can't even quit the game. Golden Rules of Indulgence Everything in excess! To enjoy the full flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks. Yield to temptation; it may never pass your way again. Gray's Law of Programming n+1 trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same time as n trivial tasks. Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law of Programming n+1 trivial tasks take twice as long as n trivial tasks. Gresham's Law Trivial matters are handled promptly; important matters are never solved. Whenver possible blame the hardware. Grosch's Law Computing power increases as the square of the cost. If you want to do it twice as cheaply, you have to do it four times as fast. Gummidge'e Law The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of statements understood by the general public. Gumperson's Law The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability. Hacker's Law of Personnel Anyone having supervisory responsibility for the completion of a task will invariably protest that more resources are needed. Hagerty's Law If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich or famous or both. Haldane's Law The Universe is not only queerer than we imagine; it is queerer than we CAN imagine. Harper's Magazine's Law You never find an article until you replace it. Hartley's First Law You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float on his back you've got something. Hartley's Second Law Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. Harvard Law Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will do as it damn well pleases. Heller's Law The first myth of management is that it exists. Hendrickson's Law If a problem causes many meetings, the meetings eventually become more important than the problem. Hoare's Law of Large Programs Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out. Horner's Five Thumb Postulate Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. Howard's First Law of Theater Use it. Howe's Law Every man has a scheme that will not work. Hull's Theorem The combined pull of several patrons is the sum of their separate pulls multiplied by the number of patrons. IBM Pollyanna Principle Machines should work. People should think. Imhoff's Law The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank -- the REALLY big chunks always rise to the top. Iron Law of Distribution Them what has - gets. Italian Proverb She who is silent consents. Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Governments No man's life, liberty or property are safe while the legislature is in session. Jay's Laws of Leadership 1) Changing things is central to leadership, and changing them before anyone else is creativeness. 2) To build something that endures, it is of the greatest importance to have a long tenure in office -- to rule for many years. You can achieve a quick success in a year or two, but nearly all of the great tycoons have continued their building much longer. Jenkinson's Law It won't work. John Cameron's Law No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered, take it, because it'll never be quite the same again. John's Axiom When your opponent is down, kick him. John's Collateral Corollary In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it. Johnson's Corollary to Heller's Law Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within your organization. Johnson's First Law of Auto Repair Any tool dropped while repairing an automobile will roll under the car to the vehicle's exact geographic center. Johnson-Laird's Law Toothache tends to start on Saturday night. Jones' Law The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on. Jones' Motto Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. Kamin's First Law All currencies will decrease in value and purchasing power over the long term, unless they are freely and fully convertable into gold and that gold is traded freely without restrictions of any kind. Kamin's Second Law Threat of capital controls accelerates marginal capital outflows. Kamin's Third Law Combined total taxation from all levels of government will always increase (until the government is replaced by war or revolution). Kamin's Fourth Law Government inflation is always worse than statistics indicate; central bankers are biased toward inflation when the money unit is non-convertible, and without gold or silver backing. Kamin's Fifth Law Purchasing power of currency is always lost far more rapidly than ever regained. (Those who expect even fluctuations in both directions play a losing game.) Kamin's Sixth Law When attempting to predict and forcast macro-economic moves or economic legislation by a politician, never be misled by what he says; instead watch what he does. Kamin's Seventh Law Politicians will always inflate when given the opportunity. Katz's Law Men and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted. Kerr-Martin Law 1) In dealing with their OWN problems, faculty members are the most extreme conservatives. 2) In dealing with OTHER people's problems, they are the world's most extreme liberals. Kirkland's Law The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to the attendance. Kitman's Law Pure drivel tends to drive off the TV screen ordinary drivel. Lani's Principles of Economics 1) Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. 2) $100 placed at 7% interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than $100,000,000 by which time it will be worth nothing. 3) In God we trust, all others pay cash. La Rochefoucauld's Law It is more shameful to distrust one's friends than to be deceived by them. Law of Communications The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of misunderstanding. Law of Computability Applied to Social Science If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set. Law of Selective Gravity (The Buttered Side Down Law) An object will fall so as to do the most damage. Law of the Perversity of Nature (Mrs. Murphy's Corollary) You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. Law of Superiority The first example of superior principle is always inferior to the developed example of inferior principle. Laws of Computerdom According to Golub 1) Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs. 2) A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project will take only twice as long. 3) The effort required to correct course increases geometrically with time. 4) Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress. Laws of Computer Programming 1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 2) Any given program costs more and takes longer. 3) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. 4) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. 5) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 6) The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. Laws of Gardening 1) Other people's tools work only in other people's yards. 2) Fanzy gizmos don't work. 3) If nobody uses it, there's a reason. 4) You get the most of what you need the least. Le Chatelier's Law If some stress is brought to bear on a system in equilibrium, the equilibrium is displaced in the direction which tends to undo the effect of the stress. Les Miserables Metalaw All laws, whether good, bad, or indifferent, must be obeyed to the letter. Long's Notes 1) Always store beer in a dark place. Lord Falkland's Rule When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not to make a decision. Lowery's Law If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. Malek's Law Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. Malinowski's Law Looking from far above, from our high places of safety in the developed civilization, it is easy to see all the crudity and irrelevance of magic. Dean Martin's Definition of Drunkenness You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. Martin-Berthelot Principle Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest amount of hot air. Match's Maxim A fool in a high station is like a man on the top of a high mountain: everything appears small to him and he appears small to everybody. Matsch's Law It is better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end. McClaughry's Codicil on Jone's Motto To make an enemy, do someone a favor. McClaughry's Law of Zoning Where zoning is not needed, it will work perfectly; where it is desperately needed, it always breaks down. McGoon's Law The probability of winning is inversely proportional to the amount of the wager. McNaughton's Rule Any argument worth making within the bureaucracy must be capable of being expressed in a simple declarative sentence that is obviously true once stated. H. L. Mencken's Law Those who can -- do. Those who cannot -- teach. Those who cannot teach -- administrate. (Martin's extension) Merrill's First Corollary There are no winners in life; only survivors. Merrill's Second Corollary In the highway of life, the average happening is of about as much true significance as a dead skunk in the middle of the road. Meskimen's Law There's never time to do it right, but always time to do it over. Michehl's Theorem Less is more. Pastore's Comment on Michehl's Theorem Nothing is ultimate. Miller's Law You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it. Mobil's Maxim Bad regulation begets worse regulation. Murphy's First Law Nothing is as easy as it looks. Murphy's Second Law Everything takes longer than you think. Murphy's Third Law In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Murphy's Fourth Law If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. Murphy's Fifth Law If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway. Murphy's Sixth Law If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. Murphy's Seventh Law Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. Murphy's Eighth Law If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Murphy's Ninth Law Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. Murphy's Tenth Law Mother nature is a bitch. Murphy's Eleventh Law It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics Things get worse under pressure. Newton's Little-known Seventh Law A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. Nienberg's Law Progress is made on alternate Fridays. Ninety-ten Rule of Project Schedules The first ninety percent of the task takes ten percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. O'Brien's Principle (The $357.73 Theory) Auditors always reject any expense account with a bottom line divisible by 5 or 10. Oeser's Law There is a tendency for the person in the most powerful position in an organization to spend all his time serving on committees and signing letters. Ordering Principle Those supplies necessary for yesterday's experiment must be ordered no later than tomorrow noon. Osborn's Law Variables won't, constants aren't. O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Laws Murphy was an optimist. Pardo's Postulates 1) Anything good is either illegal, immoral, or fattening. 2) The three faithful things in life are money, a dog, and an old woman. 3) Don't care if you're rich or not, as long as you can live comfortably and have everything you want. Pareto's Law (The 20/80 Law) 20% of the customers account for 80% of the turnover, 20% of components account for 80% of the cost, and so forth. Parker's Rule of Parlimentary Procedure A motion to adjourn is always in order. Parker's Law of Political Statements The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility and vice versa. Parkinson's First Law Work expands to fill the time available for its completion; the thing to be done swells in perceived importance and complexity in a direct ratio with the time to be spent in its completion. Parkinson's Second Law Expenditures rise to meet income. Parkinson's Third Law If there is a way to delay an important decision the good bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. Parkinson's Fourth Law The number of people in any working group tends to increase regardless of the amount of work to be done. Parkinson's Law of Delay Delay is the deadliest form of denial. Pastore's Truths 1) Even paranoids have enemies. 2) This job is marginally better than daytime TV. 3) On alcohol: four is one more than more than enough. Peckham's Law Beauty times brains equals a constant. Peer's Law The solution to a problem changes the problem. Peter Principle In every hierarchy, whether it be government or business, each employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence; every post tends to be filled by an employee incompetent to execute its duties. Peter's Corollaries 1) Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place. 2) Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence. 3) If at first you don't succeed, try something else. Peter's Inversion Internal consistency is valued more highly than efficiency. Peter's Paradox Employees in a hierarchy do not really object to incompetence in their colleagues. Peter's Perfect People Palliative Each of us is a mixture of good qualities and some (perhaps) not-so-good qualities. In considering our fellow people we should remember their good qualities and realize that their faults only prove that they are, after all, human. We should refrain from making harsh judgements of people just because they happen to be dirty, rotten, no-good sons-of-bitches. Peter's Placebo An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance. Peter's Theorem Incompetence plus incompetence equals incompetence. Potter's Law The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject's true value. Productivity Equation The productivity, P, of a group of people is: P = N x T x (.55 - .00005 x N x (N - 1) ) where N is the number of people in the group and T is the number of hours in a work period. Professor Gordon's Rule of Evolving Bryographic Systems While bryographic plants are typically encountered in substrata of earthy or mineral matter in concreted state, discrete substrata elements occasionally display a roughly spherical configuration which, in presence of suitable gravitational and other effects, lends itself to combined translatory and rotational motion. One notices in such cases an absence of the otherwise typical accretion of bryophyta. We therefore conclude that a rolling stone gathers no moss. Pudder's Law Anything that begins well ends badly. Anything that begins badly ends worse. Puritan's Law Evil is live spelled backwards. Puritan's Second Law If it feels good, don't do it. Q's Law No matter what stage of completion one reaches in a North Sea (oil) field, the cost of the remainder of the project remains the same. Rangnekar's Modified Rules Concerning Decisions 1) If you must make a decision, delay it. 2) If you can authorize someone else to avoid a decision, do so. 3) If you can form a committee, have them avoid the decision. 4) If you can otherwise avoid a decision, avoid it immediately. Rayburn's Rule If you want to get along, go along. Riddle's Constant There are coexisting elements in frustration phenomena which separate expected results from achieved results. Ross' Law Never characterize the importance of a statement in advance. Rudin's Law In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible. Rule of Accuracy When working toward the solution of a problem it always helps if you know the answer. Sam's Axiom 1) Any line, however short, is still too long. 2) Work is the crabgrass of life, but money is the water that keeps it green. Sattinger's Law It works better if you plug it in. Segal's Law A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never sure. Sevareid's Law The chief cause of problems is solutions. Shalit's Law The intensity of movie publicity is in inverse ratio to the quality of the movie. Shanahan's Law The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people present. Shaw's Principle Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it. Simmon's Law The desire for racial integration increases with the square of the distance from the actual event. Simon's Law Everything put together sooner or later falls apart. Skinner's Constant (Flannegan's Finagling Factor) That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should have gotten. Snafu Equations 1) Given any problem containing n equations, there will be n + 1 unknowns. 2) An object or bit of information most needed, will be least available. 3) Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible. 4) Interchangable devices won't. Sociology's Iron Law of Oligarchy In every organized activity, no matter the sphere, a small number will become the oligarchial leaders and the others will follow. Spare Parts Principle The accessibility, during recovery of small parts which fall from the work bench, varies directly with the size of the part and inversely with its importance to the completion of work underway. Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy Everyone should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink. Sturgeon's Law 90 per cent of everything is crud. Swipple Rule of Order He who shouts loudest has the floor. Terman's Law There is no direct relationship between the quality of an educational program and its cost. Terman's Law of Innovation If you want a track team to win the high jump you find one person who can jump seven feet, not seven people who can jump one foot. Theory of the International Society of Philosophic Engineering In any calculation, any error which can creep in will. Thoreau's Law If you see a man approaching with the obvious intent of doing you good, run for your life. Transcription Law The number of errors made is equal to the number of 'squares' employed. Truman's Law If you cannot convince them, confuse them. Truths of Management 1) Think before you act; it's not your money. 2) All good management is the expression of one great idea. 3) No executive devotes effort to proving himself wrong. 4) Cash in must exceed cash out. 5) Management capability is always less than the organization actually needs. 6) Either an executive can do his job or he can't. 7) If sophisticated calculations are needed to justify an action, don't do it. Truth 5.1 of Management Organizations always have too many managers. 10) The easiest way of making money is to stop losing it. Tuccille's First Law of Reality Industry always moves in to fill an economic vacuum. Vail's Axiom In any human enterprise, work seeks the lowest hierarchial level. Vique's Law A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle. Vonnegut's Corollary Beauty may be only skin deep, but ugliness goes right to the core. Weaver's Law When several reporters share a cab on an assignment, the reporter in the front seat pays for all. Weaver's Corollary (Doyle's Corollary) No matter how many reporters share a cab, and no matter who pays, each puts the full fare on his own expense account. Weber-Fechner Law The least change in stimulus necessary to produce a perceptible change in response is proportional to the stimulus already existing. Weiler's Law Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. Weinberg's Law If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. Weinberg's Corollary An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy. Westheimer's Rule To estimate the time it takes to do a task: estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2, and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. Thus we allocate 2 days for a one hour task. White's Chappaquidick Theorem The sooner and in more detail you announce bad news, the better. White's Observations of Committee Operation 1) People very rarely think in groups; they talk together, they exchange information, they adjudicate, they make compromises. But they do not think; they do not create. 2) A really new idea affronts current agreement. White's Statement Don't lose heart... Owen's Comment on White's Statement ...they might want to cut it out... Byrd's Addition to Owen's Comment on White's Statement ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search. Wiker's Law Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. Wolf's Law (An Optimistic View of a Pessimistic World) It isn't that things will necessarily go wrong (Murphy's Law), but rather that they will take so much more time and effort than you think if they are not to go wrong. Worker's Dilemma Law (or Management's Put-Down Law) 1) No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough. 2) What you don't do is always more important than what you do do. Wynne's Law Negative slack tends to increase. Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving System Dynamics Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can. (Old worms never die, they just worm their way into larger cans). Zymurgy's Law on the Availability of Volunteer Labor People are always available for work in the past tense. Zymurgy's Seventh Exception to Murphy's Laws When it rains, it pours. Murphy's Laws of Thermodynamics: 1) You can't win 2) You can't break even 3) You can't get out of the game Murphy's Law of Selective Gravitation An object will alway fall where it can do the most damage. Murphy's Law of Physics A paritcle will always appear where it shouldn't. Murphy's law of the Lab You will never have the part you need, and will always have 10 of every part you don't need. Given the need for a resistor of M ohms, and N resistors of values K1 to Kn, there will be no way to combine them to = M Your files will always expand to fill the available tracks. The system will always crash when you are over your track limit, and have been editing for the last 3 hours. There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation -- W. C. Fields A man's reach should exceed his grasp. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Haste makes waste. He who hesitates is lost. Above all, to thine own self be true. When in Rome, do as the Romans do. It is never too late to learn. You can't teach an old dog new tricks. Good things come in small packages. The bigger, the better. There is no point in beating a dead horse. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. He who hesitates is lost. Act in haste, repent at leisure. (Look before you leap.) Two is company, three is a crowd. The more, the merrier. ...do it well or not at all. Half a loaf is better than none. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Better safe than sorry. Never judge a book by its cover. Clothes make the man. Out of sight, out of mind. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Many hands make light work. Too many cooks spoil the broth. Never send a boy to do a man's job. ...and a little child shall lead them. Actions speak louder than words. The pen is mightier than the sword. Never change horses in mid-stream. Variety is the spice of life. Silence is golden. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. Practice makes perfect. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. A penny saved is a penny earned. The love of money is the root of all evil. There is no expedient to which a man will not go to avoid the real labor of thinking. Be kindly affectionated one to another It's much easier to ride a horse the way he is going. Belladonna: In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues. (A. Bierce) Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain. (A. Bierce) Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. (A. Bierce) Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and as wise as a man's head. (A. Bierce) Clairvoyant: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead. (A. Bierce) Education: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding. (A. Bierce) Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, levers and springs, and believes it civilization. (A. Bierce) Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. (A. Bierce) Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion. (A. Bierce) Optimism: The doctrine that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that is wrong. ... It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious. (A. Bierce) A poet who reads his verse in public may have other bad habits. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. Natural laws have not pity. Never try to outstubborn a cat The only difference between the fool and the criminal who attacks a system is that the fool attacks unpredictably and on a broader front. Virtue is its own reward, but then so is sin! We're all bozos on this bus - Firesign Theater We're dumber than we look. Everything you know is wrong. Why does the porridge bird lay her egg in the air? You don't understand how radio works. All you have to do is fade your voice down and queue the organist. We have met the enemy and he is us. - Pogo Please engage brain before setting mouth into motion. Mumble. You don't need a weatherman to tell which way the wind blows. - Bob Dylan Nintey per cent of everything is Garbage. - P. Sturgeon There is nothing more difficult to take in hand, more perilous to conduct, or more uncertain in its success, than to take the lead in the introduction of a new order to things. - N. Machiavelli Let's look at the record. - Al Smith Non illigitum carburundum est. (Don't let the bastards grind you down) A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle. The confidence of ignorance will always overcome indecision of knowledge. One man's bug is another man's feature He who join nudist club pay no cover charge. Candy is dandy, but sex won't rot your teeth. Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker. Don't vote, it only encourages them. Vote for Harris, McCarthy and Prop 14.